Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The Brazos LulzBoat

At first we were like


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Then they were like


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But then we were like


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And now they are like


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Stupid, pudding head Agrics.

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AgricMeat: The North Korea of College Football

NOTE: The below post was originally published on 10/25/06.

The Agriculturalists culture, despite being located in the second most populous state, surrounded by cities, universities, and cable, developed (I use the term loosely) seemingly in isolation deprived of the basic expectations of our modern world. This anomaly really has no parallel in American universities and can only be analogized to another aberration of the Post-Enlightenment Age, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

If an average citizen were stopped on the street and asked what comes to mind when I make this statement, "Militaristic, quick to anger, inferiority complex, incomprehensible to most of Western culture, self-aggrandizing and constantly threatening to develop offensive capabilities", there is a good chance, particularly if that person were a college football fan, they would answer the Agrics.

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Is this one parade or two?

The similarities are boundless and I will attempt to summarize the most obvious ones.

DPRK- Not a day goes by that the state-sponsored media isn't attempting to get the attention of the world by announcing they are developing, testing, or firing missiles or nuclear weapons. They believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that they are a significant participant in the world community.
Agrics-Not a day goes by that Agric alumni, periodicals, and fans, aren't calling for the firing of their head coach. They do this to remind everyone that they expect to be a championship-caliber team, despite not winning it all since FDR's administration, and the current season is an exception to the rule. This is a 67 years and counting tradition.

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Agric's Hummel figurines.

DPRK-They claimed that they tested a nuclear weapon underground and although no one saw it, atmospheric tests seem to indicate a test happened.
Agrics-They are currently 7-1 against mostly mediocre teams that no one saw, but the omnipresent smell of College Station indicates someone did something.

DPRK-Their highest official is there because of his dad and is known for his hair.
Agrics-Their highest official is there because of the former governor and is known for his hair.

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One of these was played by a puppet, the other is a puppet.

DPRK-They are considered the backward, country bumpkins of the Korean Peninsula. South Korea has developed into a vibrant liberal democracy and economic power. Addtionally, South Korea recently hosted the Olympics and World Cup, while North Korea annually throws FamineFest.
Agrics-They are the slow-witted country cousins of the University of Texas. Texas dominates them academically and athletically, despite Agrics accusations of UT being liberal, effete, and French-speaking. Also, Austin plays host to such celebrated events as ACL and SXSW.

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Korean peasants and the Agric's Phi Beta Kappa Society meeting.

DPRK-Has historically eaten certain breeds of dogs.
Agrics-Has historically attempted to breed with dogs, chickens, etc.

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I spared you the collie vibrator.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is often seen in military garb despite never serving in the military.
Agrics-Many students join the Corps to play and dress like soldiers, despite its membership carrying no military obligation.

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By coincidence both of them were Napoleon Dynamite last year.

DPRK-Political dissidents face a constant threat of torture.
Agrics-Students expressing unpopular views are summarily executed.

DPRK-Believes might makes right and does not believe in the rule of law.
Agrics-Believes might makes right and does not have a law school.

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Incentives for potty training Korean children and Agric freshmen.


DPRK-Willing to go to war over the 38th parallel.
Agrics-Willing to go to war over someone walking on field.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is said to have collection of over 20,000 movies.
Agrics-Library contains over 20,000 installments of Beetle Bailey.

DPRK-Much to their chagrin fellow communist state Vietnam has joining the World Trade Organization and is beginning to develop economically.
Agrics-Texas Tech has supplanted the Agrics as the large, public (wishing they had a religious affiliation), university with a good football program.

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Success for some is failure for others.

The only question that remains is where does the B fit in? The B has accepted the basic tenets of Western Civilization. They can tend to provincialism and can, in their periodic embraces of fundamentalism, be too eager to adopt extremes like snake handling, prohibition, and virginity. They have a rich history, recently fell on hard times, but have begun to revive their once great civiliztion. Perhaps Japan, who has recently awoken from the economic doldrums of the past decade, would be apt. If I could pick anywhere in the world today,for some reason Nicaragua comes to mind. What's your choice? Remember there are no wrong anwsers.

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Poolside at the SLC.

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