Friday, June 29, 2007

How Joe Jamail Conquered the World

Joe Jamail is a famous Texas trial lawyer. He has reportedly received nearly hundreds of millions (he is a billionaire) in fees over his legal career. His $11 billion dollar verdict in the Pennzoil v Texaco case in the 1980s was the largest ever collected. Most of that money has gone to assisting the University of Texas in purchasing the best football team it can assemble. With the kind of money he has donated to the ShortHorns, the damn field at DKR/Memorial is named after him. This video will show just how his unique brand of lawyering got him where he is today and how UT has afforded their success.

Around the Quad: The Office's SWC Rivalry

[Dear Readers,

Pardon this brief break in the BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series. We have at least four more lectures to go, including Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation, former McLennan County DA Vic Feazell, Matt Mosley of ESPN, and Associate Editor Brandon Dean Price. Sometimes we've gotta actually do some posting ourselves. While we have had trouble commandeering sea-worthy vessels in order to get to work amidst this flooding, Gov. Pat had a pontoon boat that we've been using to navigate the Venice-like streets of Waco. Thankfully, Senior Intern Gunder Thorson actually lives on the 13th Floor and was able to gather some Meaty Tidbits for publication. Enjoy!

Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat]

1. John Edwards Visits Waco to see Democratic Kingmaker Bernard Rapoport. John Edwards made a brief stop in Waco yesterday to see Bernard Rapoport and beg him for campaign contributions in unmarked U.S. currency. We know this process well, as our humble, coal-powered blog is primarily sustained by a grant from the Rapoport Foundation. Basically, Mr. Rappoport is the underwriter of our blog. You may have detected our partisan bias. That is mandated from our very own left-wing Rupert Murdoch. This impromptu visit by the former Senator prompted our very own Wendy (Who Does Waco) to exclaim: "Waco: Big Ballin' and Shot Callin'." We couldn't agree more.

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Our Underwriter


2. Where Are They Now - Baylor Alumni Edition. We are pleased to announce that former BearMeat Intern Angela Kinsey (B.A. 1993), who stars as Angela Martin on NBC's The Office has been flinging her green and gold afar on TV, making sure to stick it to Brian Baumgartner (the fat accountant) who plays Kevin on the show. Why? Because he graduated from SMU, dammit! (that last link is really worth it, for fans of The Office)

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Angela, center, Brian, right, Random Mexican, left

So basically, the accounting department at Dunder Mifflin is home to a real-life Old Southwest Conference rivalry between the righteous Bears and the scandal-ridden Mustangs. I'm sure the debates between those two get quite heated. Also, for good measure, Angela was a Chi Omega, with whom we have set up a special intern scholarship contest (which is actually based on a "Whale-Tail" competition that is held every summer at Pecan Bottoms in Cameron Park). It's actually pretty funny that the uptight, religious girl on The Office is actually a graduate of Baylor (because that is especially not the case for the Chi O's that we know!). In an interview with the Lariat, Angela had this to say about The B: "If there was ever an Alfred Hitchcock movie about Baylor it would be called The Squirrels."


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Winner of BearMeat's 1990 Chi O Whale Tail Scholarship

3. New Oso Amigo & One Old One: Geaux Tuscaloosa! & Clone Chronicles. As a result of our recent Alliance with Poseur, he of the BearBacker Voices fame, we have come into contact with a hot, new LSU blog run by attorney Richard Pittman, aka PittNasty. Geaux Tuscaloosa seems generally to be about LSU football and living among the enemy. Pittman lives and breathes the mighty Tigers and we wish him well in his blogventures. The second Oso Amigo news item is that our only Iowa State amigo, CrossCyed (who interviewed the Editorial Board a few months back) has morphed into a beautiful blog butterfly, Clone Chronicles (no, not this Clone Chronicles, the one about the Iowa State Cyclones). We hope you check both these wonderful new blogs out.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

BearBacker Voices: LoomisBoy vs Grant Teaff

[You were probably asking yourself, "When will the next lecture in the BearBacker Summer Lecture Series be given?" Well, wonder no more, weary reader, for today we introduce BearMeat's favorite reader, fan club president, and Assistant Editor of Research, LoomisBoy: The Homeless Son of Samuel Palmer Brooks. LoomisBoy (whose blog is linked here) is actually a real journalist and a real editor, and he brings real world expertise to our humble news room. His lecture is a welcome departure from the type of speeches that have been delivered so far; it is a personal story which connects the downfall of an American President with Grant Teaff. Yes, its that deep. The story has been hosted at LoomisBoy for some time, but the Hobo Scion of SP Brooks agreed to share it with all seventeen of our dedicated readers, on the condition that we up his wages to a nice round $3/hr + tips. We agreed, though it meant cutting back on our weekly cigar shipment. Enjoy! - Eds.]


Mark Felt, American Hero
or,
My Own Private Watergate

It will be thirty years this August since Richard Nixon resigned in shame, ending one of the darker periods in American history. Today, finally, comes word of the identity of a man who has until now only been known as "Deep Throat." Former FBI executive Mark Felt finally admitted that he was the "confidential White House source" who met with Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward several times, guiding the Post's investigation just enough to keep it on track.



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Deep Throat: J. Edgar Hoover's Lieutenant


I was in college in those years. I had selected journalism as a major while in high school, long before Watergate began. During the height of the Watergate crisis, Mark Felt was a campus speaker. I was impressed by his stately bearing and his personable yet strong presentation. Compared to many campus settings, conservative Baylor was probably a cakewalk for a G-man like Felt, who spoke at many colleges, often to hostile reaction. During the question and answer, I asked him what kind of person the FBI recruited. My friends laughed at me afterwards, for asking a "Boy Scout meeting kind of question." But I wanted to hear him put into words what I saw on the podium. I don't remember the specifics of his answer, but I do remember he spent more time describing a person of honor than anything about college major or grades.


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LoomisBoy as an intrepid Lariat reporter



When I think about Mark Felt (whom I have suspected for years to be Deep Throat--I'm kicking myself for not having that prediction in print), I think about my own "Watergate" experience. During my senior year at Baylor a disgruntled football player started feeding me "inside" information about the football program at Baylor. He told of rules ignored, parking tickets fixed ... minor stuff compared to modern college football scandals, but stuff that shouldn't have been happening, especially at a Baptist university that espoused a higher standard. My advisor at the college newspaper (James Batts, a great teacher and seasoned veteran newspaper reporter/editor) cautioned me to be very careful, but to continue to pursue the truth. After weeks of trying to put together a story, I thought I had enough to confront the head football coach. This was the man who is now a legend at Baylor, Grant Teaff.




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Teaff The Immortal

I called him on the phone and read the first paragraph of my article. I could feel the anger coming through the phone. He insisted that I get myself down to his office immediately. When I arrived there, the director of the athletic dorm was also there (many of the allegations concerned rule violations in the dorm). Wayne Hatcher and I had worked together two years earlier, when I was a resident assistant in the same dorm, before it was converted to athletic use. By the end of the meeting, Teaff had successfully refuted all but the most minor accusations, Hatcher had convinced Teaff that I wasn't the kind of "journalism student radical" he originally assumed me to be, and we departed on good terms. I knew coming out that I no longer had a story, but I had done the right thing by going to the coach before the article was published. My "Deep Throat" had been a little too enthusiastic, exaggerating his claims; I suppose that came with sitting on the bench for four years.

I learned a lot from the experience: never rush to judgment, wait for all the facts. And, that I didn't have the "go to the jugular" passion to become a star reporter. I hated the confrontational aspect of reporting.

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S.P. Brooks's Hobo Son: BearMeat's Dapper Dandy



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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

BearBacker Voices: Poseur's Road-to-Damascus Conversion

[The BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series. When it is complete (whenever Rick Perry finally emails us his lecture) it will be the only project of its kind in the college sports blogosphere. Not to toot our own horn here, but the lineup is pretty badass. So far we've featured a grad student, law student, a law professor, a former university administrator, an esteemed writer, and the list goes on. Today we return to the Texas Ass & Mule School of Law (because the Ag alums outnumber the B alums) and feature the work of Stephen Baker, The Poseur, a student who attends the Agri-Law School on the Brazos, which boasts a higher rate of white-male attendance than any other law school in TX. Poseur, however, is cut from a different cloth. A whiskey-swilling mackerel-snapper, Poseur is an LSU fan, first and foremost, and even contributes to an in-depth LSU Tigers blog, Geaux Tuscaloosa (who has rejected our proposed Blog Alliance Agreement, given that the name "BearBacker" seems too homo-erotic for their style), which is worth a viewing or two. With that, we leave you with the fine work of Poseur. Enjoy! - Eds.]



Unfortunately, Osler and Swanburg set a high bar here, giving y’all the impression that Baylor Law students and professors are witty. I’m here to disabuse you of that notion. So thanks for the opportunity.

Given a chance to write about Baylor sports, I realized that I might actually have to WATCH a Baylor sporting event, something that I’ve had problems doing. And the last time I commented on Baylor sports (the softball team’s WCWS run over on my blog), I thought Baylor fans were going to kill me. Which was surprising given the fact I wasn’t aware Baylor had any fans. (Just
kidding. Please don’t kill me).

But I’m trying. I’m trying to adopt the Bears as a backup team to my undergrad alma mater LSU. I like the live bears. I like the unreasonable hatred of Texas A&M and the effort to start up a rivalry with the Aggies*. I like that I can get tickets five minutes before game time. I like the George’s tent. And I really like that any good thing is cause for celebration. When expectations are low, its impossible to be disappointed. Here are the things holding me back from being a Bear Backer:






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Zoloft: A BearBacker's Best Friend

Losing. Baylor stinks in the big sports: basketball and football. And I’m already an Orioles fan.
I don’t need any more depression in my life or else I might have to up my Zoloft prescription.



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How Do You Solve a Problem Like Temeka?


Conflict of interest. The sports Baylor is good at, so is LSU. I’m still bitter about the Women’s Final Four and Temeka Johnson dribbling the ball off her foot. Enjoy your freaking title, Baylor fans. And I’m not sure I have the energy to ignore two track teams.



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"Pipe Down, Son. Don't You Know We're Gonna Lose?"


Quiet. Someone yelled at me at the Texas A&M-Baylor football game to sit down and be quiet. It’s not like I was yelling profanity. I was simply cheering the Bears. And someone told me to be quiet. On the third and short. And we wonder why there is no homefield advantage at Floyd Casey. I’m morally opposed to being quiet during a football game. Yell, people.




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The Will Ferrell Center: The Baptist Golden Nipple


The Ferrell Center looks like a golden nipple. It freaks me out. Also, two of my worst experiences in Waco have been in that building: Kansas beating the ever-living snot out of Baylor’s basketball team and Law Day. Seriously, can you imagine anything that sounds like less fun than lawyers patting themselves on the back for three hours? I swear to God, they gave us
tickets which we redeemed when we left to prove we didn’t cut out early.




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The Scariest Mascot Ever



The cartoon bear logo. Wow, that thing sucks. I hear it has gone the way of the dodo, but it’s the kind of logo which screams “focus group”. While we’re on the subject, decide on a color scheme. Is it gold or yellow? I have Baylor T-shirts to buy.



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Il Papa: The Catholic Robert Sloan


Baptists. I’m Catholic, and I’m worried about excommunication as it is going to a Baptist school, considering the pope seems to be on an excommunicating roll recently. But if I start rooting for a Baptist team on top of my deep, unabiding hatred for Notre Dame? Why not just spit on the Virgin Mary and be done with it? I better do the Rosary just to be sure…


Screw it. I’m in. Let the losing begin. Someone pass me a Wild Turkey mixed with Dr. Pepper.

Sic ‘em Bears.

* Before you Aggies start with the “you’re not our rival” stuff, take a long look in the mirror and evaluate your relationship with the Longhorns of Texas. Then take a big hearty bite of shut the hell up.

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Around the Quad: We're 85!

[Dearest Readers,

Not a day goes by that I don't think about your well-being. All seventeen of you are so dear to my heart. Today, I bring news from these internets (Al Gore, Founder) to show my love. Do not think that I would ever abandon you - in the same way that the "Good" Judge has. With that, we bring you news from around the Burleson Quadrangle.

Sincerely,

Red Andrews
Lover, Fighter, Felon]


1. ESPN's Top Moments that Defined College Football, #85: Kevin Steele Refuses To Take a Knee. Thanks to ESPN.com for dropping yet another Baylor sports embarassment upon all of fandom. Our first decade in the Big12 sure was ugly. Thanks largely to a president who wanted to emulate Notre Dame in every way except athletics. Seems the criteria for hiring coaches back then was their "faith journey" not their "coaching abilities." The nadir of that period surely was the 2002-2003 school year. Steele and Bliss left behind programs in disarray, with a fanbase that has grown depressingly demoralized or insanely optimistic.

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Going Down With The Ship

2. Sportswriters Lack Confidence in Baylor's Upcoming Football Season. A writer at the SportingNews says that he wants to give GuyMo a copy of the "Serenity Prayer" for the upcoming season. That's not a bad idea. In fact, that ought to be the creed of Baylor athletics. We present the prayer in its full text so that you can see just how well it applies to our beloved Bears.

The Bear's Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity

to accept the things I can not change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

3. Introducing: The Meaty Tidbits Hotline! Have you ever wanted to share a secret or important information with the public, but didn't know what the appropriate channel for such a disclosure was? Of course you have. Now, with the BearMeat Meaty Tidbits Hotline, you can share breaking news, insider information, gossip, rumors, and President Lilley nap sightings with the benefit of anonymity. Just email Meaty.Tidbits@gmail.com and the newly-created BearMeat Bureau of Discreet Information will receive, research, verify and process the Meaty Tidbit into a digestible news story. Its passing the liability on to BearMeat, with no risk to yourself. We have our most senior intern, Gunder Thorson, overseeing this Bureau, so you can trust that its in good hands. In case you are wondering what purpose this will serve, we're hoping to compete with Waco's other entertainment gossip blogs out there, who have shored up all the high-end advertisers.

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Email Us So We Can Update the John Lilley Nap Watch

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Monday, June 25, 2007

BearBacker Voices: Northern Lights

[Today we bring you another lecture in our celebrated BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series. Past lecturers have included BDP, Swanburg, The Razor, and Dr. W.C. Brann Flake. Curtis Edmonds is a lawyer, writer and blogger. The world is his canvass and nothing of significance escapes his keen eye. A Baylor alumni, Curtis now lives and works in New Jersey, doing Lord knows what. Though he is technically still on our payroll, his work for BearMeat has slowed to a crawl. We suspect he devotes the majority of his energies to his blog, Northbound. While Curtis's work has been published with the National Review, he has never had this prestigious of a forum in which to share his views. So, without further ado, here is his submission. Enjoy! - Eds.]

It was April 1990, and the Cincinnati Bengals were on the clock. The team’s brain trust thought, considered, ruminated, and – wait a second, let me check the thesaurus – pondered their choice. In due course, they sent the name of James Francis, linebacker, up to the Commissioner. And Dallas Cowboys fans like me cursed the Bengals, cursed them for taking Francis out from under the very nose of Jimmy Johnson. Francis was a can’t-miss prospect, a stud linebacker in an era where linebackers were the up-and-coming superstars of the defense. And – this was the hardest part – he was from the B. (We just called it “Baylor” back then, which was the style at the time.)

The Cowboys would recover; they’d take an unheralded underclassman RB from Florida later in that round, somebody named Smith. But the B wouldn’t fare so well. Francis (who would play nine years for the Bengals and the Hated Redskins) was the last Baylor player taken in the top fifteen. Only one other B gridder, stalwart lineman Daryl Gardener, would go in the first round in the years since 1990. The stylishly-named LaCurtis Jones went in that draft too, in the fourth round, and the Ravens would take Gary Baxter in the second round in 2001. Those are the high spots in Baylor’s post-Teaff NFL draft history, which is about as pretty as the sixth-runner-up for Homecoming Queen at Plainview High.


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Sweet, Sweet Daniel. We Hardly Knew Ye.

2007 would be something of an improvement. Daniel Sepulveda (two-time Ray Guy Award winner, unanimous consensus first-team All-American, hero of American youth) would go in the fourth round, albeit to the Hated Steelers. And cornerback C.J. Wilson would go the Mildly Despised Carolina Panthers in the seventh round. This is a positive step, undeniably.

But one couldn’t help noticing that Shawn Bell was left out. True, the draft is always a crapshoot (see Quinn, Brady, public humiliation of). And it’s true that Bell had torn his ACL playing against the Agriculturalists, and the quarterback talent this year was deep – but you’d think that some team, somewhere, could use a bit of the B on their squad. (Maybe everywhere except Atlanta; you wouldn’t want to see a Michael Vick understudy who knew the ins and outs of the live bear-cub market.) Bell wasn’t drafted, and didn’t sign as a free agent, and that generally means you start thinking about grad school or learning how to sell real estate.

But Bell bounced back. (Try saying that three times fast.) He ended up signing with the British Columbia Lions of the Canadian Football League. Now, the CFL is generally the place where quarterbacks go to die (exemplia gratia: former Cougar High QB Andre Ware was as big a bust with the B.C. Lions as he was with the Detroit Lions). And if the CFL was Texas college football, the Lions would be the local version of the UTEP Miners – undistinguished and out of the way. (The CFL, historically, is dominated by the Toronto Argonauts – the local version of the Texas Longhorns -- and the Edmonton Eskimos, located in the big, flat, empty Agriculturalist plains of Alberta.)


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For Whom the Bell Tolls


But the Lions did win the Grey Cup last year, and – let’s face it – living in Vancouver has, shall we say, certain advantages over living in Baylor. To wit:


Average Kickoff Temperature at Home Opener:

Vancouver: 72 degrees under the B.C. Place dome.

Waco: 97 degrees on the Floyd Casey turf.


Annual Summertime Event:

Vancouver: The “Celebration of Light” international fireworks competition, with fireworks representatives from different countries vying for the title.

Waco: The Big XII media tour, where GuyMo explains how the B is going to be competitive (this time).


Celebrated Historical District:

Vancouver: The Gaslight District, featuring restaurants, antique shops, and designer fashions.

Waco: Gov. Bill and Vara Daniel Historic Village, featuring cotton gin and barber shop.


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In The Movies
:

Vancouver: Over 200 movies filming each year, most recently the Fantastic Four sequel, featuring the delectable Jessica Alba in spandex.

Waco: There was that Ted Nugent reality series.


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WacoTrib's Opinion Page Dynamo

Food-Related Mecca:

Vancouver: The open-air farmer’s market on Granville Island, adjacent to many craft shops, and featuring fresh seafood, vegetables, and a really nice coconut pie.

Waco: Valley Mills Drive, all the way from Poppa Rollo’s to Pancho’s.


Trans-Pacific Diversity:

Vancouver: A hub for Asian culture, with a vibrant Chinatown and several five-star dim-sum palaces.

Waco: Um… Ly-Le is still open, right? Or did the health inspectors finally get it?


Discovered Here:

Vancouver: Pamela Anderson.

Waco: Cindy Sheehan.


Law Enforcement:

Vancouver: According to Wikipedia – and I’m just including this for information purposes and not for tourism purposes – “Vancouver police generally do not arrest people for possessing small amounts of marijuana.”

Waco: Try going 50 in a 45 in Beverly Hills while smoking a spliff and see how far you get.


Skyline:

Vancouver: Hundreds of downtown high-rise apartment buildings with glittering green windows.

Waco: (see below)


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The Symbol of Our Freedom



Tourism:

Vancouver: The vibrant downtown is a frequent stop for Alaska-bound cruise ships.

Waco: The Fifth Street Texaco is a frequent stop for people needing to get gas and Moon Pies on the way to the outlet mall in Hillsboro.


Big Event in 1986:

Vancouver: The 1986 World’s Fair, the most successful such fair in history, with 50 million visitors looking at pavilions from 54 nations.

Waco: Finally got a Fuddrucker’s.


Big Plans for 2010:

Vancouver: The XXI Olympic Winter Games, complete with luge, bobsled, and visitors from every nation asking what the hell is up with the outfits that the men’s figure skaters are wearing.

Waco: Just two years away from somebody – anybody – noticing that Baylor has become a lot like Notre Dame.


So, pardon me for saying so, but I think that Shawn Bell is going to be fine, just fine in Vancouver – even if he is just holding the clipboard for the Grey Cup champions. Nicely played, Mr. Bell. Nicely played. I salute you.


. . . . at least right up until the point that you get cut, that is. Faced with the prospect of a) getting out of the greater Waco area and b) playing quarterback for a professional football team and c) living in one of the world's great cities, Shawn Bell is instead likely to spend his fall coaching JV for the China Spring Cougars. Not to mention making this entire convoluted blog post as irrelevant as the debate about whether to put the Bush Library in the middle of campus or out on the Brazos. It's just part of following the B.

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Around the Quad: Kate at the Gate

1. Kate at the Gate. Thanks to BearMeat WacoTrib Liaison and Assistant Editor Wendy Gragg (Wendy Does Waco), we were alerted to the presence of an awesome WacoTrib endeavor, called Kate at the Gate, which sent out WacoTrib reporter Kate Heine to local high school football games to chronicle and celebrate Waco's own Friday Night Lights. The clip below is of her trip to the Waco High vs South Garland game. Click here for the WacoTrib's Youtube video archive, including the other 4 installments of Kate at the Gate where she goes to Midway, Robinson, Crawford and China Spring.


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Sunday, June 24, 2007

BearBacker Voices: The Legend of Flash Bradley

[We continue our BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series today with the work of a former BU administrator, and current assistant editor, Dr. W.C. Brann Flake. Dr. Flake is the supervisory editor for our Football Recruitment Bureau. If you are stumbling upon this humble, coal-powered blog for the first time today, the BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series features articles from our dear friends and readers associated with Baylor University in some regard. Previous lectures have been delivered by Brandon Dean Price, Jonathan Swanburg, and Mark Osler. Enjoy! - Eds.]

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Dr. W.C. Brann Flake, Asst. Editor, BearMeat

B Football Recruiting Just Keeps Turning Heads

That B football recruiting machine just keeps on producing.

While perusing the local sports page and asking “What season is it?” this BearMeat editor found a small gem worth attention. Seems the B’s Coach Schnupp was watching film of a receiver in Florida when he saw a “flash across the screen” (not the receiver under observation flashing across the screen; the reported “flash” was an offensive lineman).

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"The Flash" in the Flesh

Now BearMeat editors obviously have some learning to do from our B football recruiting staff because we probably would never pen “offensive lineman” and “flash across the screen” in the same sentence. But, hell, what do we know. We just report it; we don’t make this stuff up.

But back to the “Flash”.

Seems the “Flash” is 6’6” 295 lb offensive tackle Larry Bradley [link is to his myspace.com page] who was invited to B’s campus on the basis of his one “flash across the screen” cameo. The B was so impressed he was offered on the spot. He committed immediately. And not only committed, but is expecting to play this fall as a true freshman. “I think they’re expecting me to be a bigtime player for them this year,” Bradley was quoted.

BearMeat football prognosticators thought we might take a look into “Flash” Bradley’s near future. Sooooo . . . . . Flash, meet Frank Okam, 3 year starting defensive tackle for the University of Texas across the line from whom you will line up. Among other items on Mr. Okam’s 6’6 345lb vitae are, Parade All-American as a high school senior where he was on all major college recruiting lists, three year starter letterman for a national championship program, and most notably 2007 pre-season All-American.

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"I'm more machine, now, than man."


And on “Flashes” football vitae? According to the Waco Trib report “Up until this year Bradley had never even played football.” And had our crack recruiting staff not offered “Flash” a scholarship on the spot of his visit last week, where else might he have played? Well, according to “Flash” until Baylor offered he was considering, “applying to some smaller schools [where he might have a chance to play basketball]” Sounds to this BearMeat guru that the cell phone lines between “Flash” and DI, DII, OR DIII football recruiters were not exactly swamped with textmessages.

Yup, with the B football recruiting armada making raids like this one into the state of Florida, it is the BearMeat football prognosticators’ consensus opinion that merely turning dirt on the 30 million dollar on-campus practice facility is already paying significant dividends.

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Around the Quad: The Immortal Ten

[Readers,

How we love you so dearly. We hold all 17 of you in our hearts and think only of your interests. That is why we bring you news from Around the Quad.

Salud!

Red Andrews
Runnin' shit up in these here BearMeats]

1. Immortal 10 Statue Commemorates Tragedy From 80 Years Ago. Here in the Bermuda Triangle of Central Texas, we take our tragedy very seriously. It defines who we are. Lynchings, bus crashes, tornados, standoffs, cat murder, and intra-squad hoops shootings, are all part of the fabric of life on the Brazos. Its odd that it took 80 years to commemorate a bus-train crash in Round Rock that killed 10 people associated with the basketball team. Perhaps this is just something that we never got around to. A historical loose end that has weighed heavily on successive student government administrations.

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Immortal 10: Honoring Scott Drew's Road Losing Streak

Regardless, the statue was finalized today, where the Vara Daniel Soviet Fountain once stood, so that future generations of Baylor students will know that many years ago a bus ran into a train, which prompted the erection of an overpass. Should we consider other athletics tragedies as well? Perhaps a monument to Queso the Cat is in order, or, even more somber, a statue of Dotson, Dennehy, and Bliss in Minglewood Bowl. Don't get me wrong, I actually think the statue is kind of cool, in the same way that all the lamp posts at The B are markers to the fallen in WWII, its just another strange chapter in our history being both opened and closed with the erection of that monument.



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The Memorialization of a Curse

[UPDATE: Now with Youtube footage! 1996 Baylor Student Body President Chase Palmer explains the significance by dropping a big ol' Truth Bomb on News 6: "Life's precious, life's short, and these kids who see this everyday, I hope they understand that; see the meaning of that in the statue itself."]




2. New BearBacker: Poseur. Poseur is a cross-blogger extrodinaire, as well as an LSU Tiger and lawyer-to-be. Perhaps he can clerk for our Legal Counsel, Vic "Y'all Aren't Making This Easy For Me, BearMeat" Feazell. Mr. Stephen Baker is sure to enhance the dialogue of these here BearMeats with his wide-ranging knowledge of libations and sport. Welcome to the S.S. BearMeat, Poseur; you will be receiving your welcome kit in the mail, along with your BearMeat Whiskey Pouch and itinerary for the next two months. Hint: you've got a lot of drinking competitions planned for this summer. Better get ready.

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Poseur: Not a Poser or a Hoser

3. Greatest. Painting. Ever. After the attacks of 9/11, many in Central Texas believed local boy George W. Bush to be God's annointed leader. His home in Crawford and Baylor's bid for his li-bary seemed to indicate that this Man of God would usher in a new era of righteousness in the USA. Chicago-born painter Ron DiCianni tapped into this feeling by unveiling a painting, Praying for Peace, that was a best-seller at the Waco area Compass Christian Lifestyle Bookstore (now out of business). Compass is a corporate chain which caters to the Evangelical Christian consumer. It famously was closed on Sundays, in observance of the Sabbath, with the notable exception of the Christmas Season, when the profits were too great to resist.

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Praying for a 30% Approval Rating

We here at the BearMeat Editorial Board believe that by sharing this relic from a more hopeful era in the Bush Administration, we can lure Bush's library back to Baylor, where it belongs. Those negotations with SMU must not be going so well. Why would you want a library in a town with a lesbian sheriff anyway, Mr. President? Our sheriff, Larry Lynch, is a straight, white, male Republican and would be proud to defend your legacy with every deputy at his disposal.

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

BearBacker Voices: The Razor's Porn Cat

[Today we happily unveil another installment in our BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series. Previous guest posts have featured the former Bear, current ShortHorn, Brandon Dean Price, and the indefatigable Jonathan Swanburg, whose work can be found at From Malibu To Waco. This guest column was provided to us by Baylor University Law Professor Mark Osler, aka The Razor, who blogs about life, law, and the pursuit of happiness over at Osler's Razor (a clever pun off Ockham's Razor, we assume). The Razor did not exactly author this post himself, as he assures us it was handed to him by an elderly gentleman wearing a top hat, pince nez, and cummerbund. This piece fits nicely into The Razor's epic retelling of the history of Baylor University. Enjoy! - Eds.]

Baylor History: The Fall of the L.E.D. Zeppelin

In the Winter of 1930 things were really in the tank for Baylor, with low morale and a horrible deficit. By this point, it was clear that the financial model underlying his Vision 1930 was a failure, and President Brooks was badly in need of some positive press. Desperate, he turned to the crack research being done by his faculty. Two groundbreaking profs caught his attention, one in business marketing and one in theology: Marketing Prof. Gunther (“The Impregnator”) Horvald was already famous for turning emerging technologies into marketing gold. His latest project utilized two of the hottest new developments in popular science: flying dirigibles (gas-filled balloons), and Light-Emitting Diodes.


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The Impregnator: Proponent of Intelligent Design Theory


Horvald’s latest work proposed combining the two to create a giant, changeable billboard in the sky, a creation he called the “LED Zeppelin,” capable of flying marketing messages to any large outdoor gathering at relatively little expense. Theology Prof. Thomas Brundidge Livermore similarly made his breakthrough by combining two previously unconnected ideas: The Christian need to restrain sexuality and the dominion God gave man over the animals. As he put it in his 1928 article “No Bad Dogs,” these two truths meant that “it is God’s place to instruct and guide us humans in limiting fornication, adultery and homosexuality amongst humans; in turn it is the role of humans to instruct and guide the animals to follow these same laws.”


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Livermore: "Dog & Cat Fornication is Odious to Our Lord."

It was Provost Lucci’s idea to combine the two and raise Baylor’s national profile. He re-allocated funds from the English Department to construct the world’s first LED Zeppelin. Ten stories high and filled with highly explosive gas, it was fitted with the painted message “BAYLOR UNIVERSITY PRESENTS:” which was positioned above a large LED display which could spell out any message imaginable. The new LED Zeppelin was to be employed immediately, and sent to the imminent opening of the Chicago World’s Fair so as to loom low in the night sky over the large outdoor crowds.




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An Early, Miniature Prototype of the L.E.D. Zeppelin


Brooks determined that the message displayed should trumpet Baylor’s scholarly accomplishments and Brooks’ leadership. Thus, it was decided that the painted message should be followed by a synopsis of Livermore’s scholarly conclusions, so that the two parts would combine to announce “BAYLOR UNIVERSITY PRESENTS: STOP PET FORNICATION! BROOKS.” The plan went well, to a point. The LED Zeppelin successfully made it to Illinois and arrived at the World’s Fair just as 100,000 people gathered at Navy Pier, and as planned, hovered low in the night air. However, the primitive LED device had been damaged on the trip, and when the message was switched on by one of the three highly trained zeppeliners, it read:


“BAYLOR UNIVERSITY PRESENTS: TOP P ORN CAT B OOKS.”

Needless to say, the effect was overwhelming and positive. Requests began flooding in to Pat Neff Hall seeking the now-famous “Porn Cat” books. Seeing a way out of the financial problems the University was suffering, Brooks immediately authored a series of illustrated books featuring “Porn Cat,” a middle-aged man in a viscose suit and wide-lapelled blouse who engaged in a series of mildly erotic adventures with his wife (and only his wife), all with the advice and consent of his pastor.



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Robert Sloan's 1997 Porn Cat Costume

Random House in New York contracted to distribute the books, but only on one condition: That the President of Baylor agree to promote the books by appearing at least once a year at a public event dressed as “Porn Cat,” a tradition fulfilled to the present day.

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

BearMeat UnSalutes: Greg!

For every seven Leighton Radtkes in this world, there is a Greg.

[UPDATE: It is with deepest regrets to let you dearest readers know that the YouTube clips of the great Leighton Radtke have been set to private by the creators of Radtke's adventures in drunkeness. If you missed these clips...you have not yet met a prouder Baylor Bear. Sic 'em Bears. Lucky Charms. In memoriam. R.I.P. Leighton Radtke.]

As mentioned before, BearMeat is always on the lookout for that special someone who exudes, no, rather bleeds Green & Gold. I'm thinking along the lines of those freakish Gatorade commercials. I want a chiseled body sweating lemon and lime flavored Gatorade while playing basketball, volleyball, or pounding dollar Mickeys at Scruffy Murphy's on a Sunday night.


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Just another Sunday night at Scruffs for Red Andrews.

But sometimes we find the opposite. Meet Greg. Greg of www.humans.com. He's young. He's fresh. He's got a BMW 330i. He's also now public property!


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"Common Grounds is so poor, broseph"

[UPDATE 2: Greg requested that his photo be sheltered from the readers of this site. So instead you must travel here to see Gregger the Gregorian. It's probably not worth the visit though. So instead...here's another lolcat!!]

(The following comments are some juicy nuggets from his website. Actually, his site seems and looks quite old, and judging by his message board, I am assuming Greg dropped out of humans.com like he did Baylor.)


Greg! BearMeat...


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Greg on Waco: Waco, Texas is ghetto. Very ghetto.

Greg on Baylor: There is no personality at this school + I had more intellectually stimulating conversation in high school.

Greg on Baylor girls: Contrary to popular belief, the majority of the girls at this school are not attractive. That, or they're Baptist, which speaks for itself.

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Greg on religion: My friend Nate, who lives in my dorm, felt I was lost, so he had me speak to the pastor of the most popular church in Waco, Highland Baptist....He could hardly answer any of my questions and told me things like, "Dogs and cats don't have souls. They don't go to Heaven or experience an afterlife." And, "All religions except Christianity lead to Hell." I sarcastically responded with, "Well it sounds to me like all the interesting people like Einstein and Nietzsche go to Hell, so maybe I'd rather be there anyway!"


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Maybe Greg should have met up with the Preacher on staff at the Alico.


Greg on his future: I need out of this place before I start having convulsions. I thought Baylor was going to be very different. My plans for next year are to go to either SMU in Dallas or UT in Austin.

Greg on Waco statistics: Crime rates more than twice that of national average.
19th poorest city in US.
Most churches per square mile in the nation.
Ironic eh?

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Greg apparently got a C+ in his freshman year photoshop class with this zinger.


Greg on being poor: I still feel bad in a lot of ways about transferring to SMU though. One of the reasons my parents bought me my nice 330i was because I got a $28,000 scholarship to Baylor.

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Greg's mother is pleased with the size of her son's trunk.


Thanks for leaving Waco, Greg. BearMeat would have hated to dress you up as an alley cat and hand you over to the baseball team. Enjoy Dallas!


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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

BearBacker Voices: Swanburg's Poolside Chat

[We are proud to announce the second installment of BearBacker Voices, guest posts from BearMeat's nearest and dearest friends. The inaugural post, authored by none other than Associate Editor Brandon Dean Price, outlined BDP's dilemma over whether to choose graduate school at Baylor or UT. Sadly, BDP chose the ShortHorns over his alma mater. However, we continue to support him and his lifestyle choices, since he will always remain a Bear at heart.

Without further ado, we commence our much-anticipated BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series, which will feature the opinions, analysis and reflections of students, alumni, sportswriters, attorneys, professors, journalists, and writers. Today we bring you the work of the brilliant BearMeat Assistant Editor, Jonathan Swanburg, whose blog, From Malibu to Waco, chronicles the life and times of Baylor Law School's most eligible 2L (2nd year student), as he navigates the folkways and drinking customs of Baylorites and Wacoans alike. He has submitted a transcript of a field interview conducted while on assignment for the BearMeat Editorial Board. Enjoy! - Eds.]


In exchange for stringing together a few words regarding sports, coeds and/or life in Waco, I've been guaranteed as much nookie as free Jell-o shots at Scruff's can afford. That being the case, I went to the Bandera pool, interviewed a sophomore sunbather and transcribed the results.

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Swanburg: On a Previous Assignment With Jerry Rice

Me: Hi

Her: Do I know you?

Me: My name is Steve and I'm writing an article on Baylor sports for BearMeat.

Her: I don't play sports.

Me: That's okay.

(She seemed skeptical of BearMeat's legitimacy; I became skeptical of her ability to read. After taking a few moments to silently consider my choice of pseudonym the interview continued on.)

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The Interviewee: One of Swan's Homelier Conquests

Me: Are you aware that three of the eight players on the girls' tennis team are named Zuzana?

Her: No.

Me: Are you aware that 69 Bears earned Dean's list status during the 2006 - 2007 seasons?

Her: No.

Me: Can you name 3 players on any one Baylor sport team?

Her: No.

Me: Have you ever been to a football game?

Her: A couple times.

Me: Did we win?

Her: Probably not.

Me: Probably true. So besides waiting 9/10th's naked to get interviewed by attractive intellectuals like myself, what do you do for fun?

Her: Hang out with my boyfriend.

Me: Would your answer be any different if I told you I had access to an unlimited supply of Jell-o shots?

Her: No.

Obviously, my friends, that's where the interview and this post end. Representing BearMeat, maybe I should have used some bigger words or at least added a dash of humor. Maybe I should have asked better questions or at least not given the finger before getting up to leave. These are things I'll work on. In the mean time, I'll take small comfort in the fact this post represents BearMeat's first mention of women's tennis and go from there.

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BON & EDSBS LIVE: The Four Questions

If you have never checked out EDSBS LIVE, a radio show hosted by Burnt Orange Nation's Peter Bean and Every Day Should Be Saturday's Orson Swindle every Tuesday night, you need to give it a listen. A few weeks back, EDSBS Live interviewed Red Andrews (the Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007, show about 60 minutes in to the broadcast - you can access the show here under "previous broadcasts"), and asked their four customary questions. While our answers didn't get us Jennifer Anniston's private cell number, it did win us the respect and admiration of aristocrats everywhere. In the spirit of these two megablogs (just as dominant as their respective athletic programs), we will answer their Four Questions, Hawaiian-style, this afternoon for lack of anything better to do.



1. What year was paradise for your team?
Baylor has never won a national title in football. However, we have come close, finishing the 1951 season ranked 9th in the nation, and being ranked 3rd in the nation for two weeks running in 1953. There will probably be some debate about this among die-hard Baylor fans, but I'm gonna venture an answer with the 1980 season, in which we were ranked 6th in the nation, with an 10-1 record, going into the Cotton Bowl against Bear Bryant's Crimson Tide. That year we had Mike Singletary and Walter Abercrombie, were coached by Grant Teaff, and we were undefeated in conference play (including a 16-0 shutout against the ShortHorns and a 46-7 blowout of A&M). Were it not for a fluke non-conference loss against San Jose State (?), that Cotton Bowl game could have been a run at the national championship. The details of the game are still too painful to recount. Just take my word when I tell you that we lost to 'Bama. We finished the season ranked 14th in the AP.

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Ranked 6th, But Not For Long



2. What Does Your Game Day Utopia Look Like?
Texas A&M home game. It begins early in the morning, being roused from slumbering at my desk in the ALICO building, by sultry Gender Studies intern Susanna Fallatia. I proceed to wake up the rest of the BearMeat Editorial Board as we gather the necessary provisions for the journey to Floyd Casey. The weather is 97 degrees with a 13% chance of fire and brimstone. We decide to travel by donkey to the stadium, which is about 30 blocks away. This journey takes two hours and includes all types of "hobo spotting" drinking games.

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Gov. Pat Tried To Convince Many To Give Him A Piggy-Back Ride

By the time we arrive at George's Tent, we realize that the citizens of Waco have taken us up on our ill-advised "Free Tickets With Proof of Poppa Rollo's Pizza Purchase" Promotion. So, in addition to 20,000+ Baylor fans, students and alumni, there are 30,000 overweight, very thirsty Wacoans looking to be entertained, bread-and-circuses style. They have been tailgaiting for hours, consuming as much Bud Light as the law will allow, waiting for our second ill-advised promotional, the All-You-Can-Drink Pearl Light Giveaway, which we arranged with the Pearl Brewery in San Antonio, only to find that it has been bought out by a virtual brewer, Pabst.com, and that we were swindled by yet another enterprising hobo. Regardless, the invoice will be mailed to us later.

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The Wacoans Were Ready for Violent Spectacle

As we enter the stadium, we are pleased to find that the Judge Ralph Strother has granted our Temporary Injunction allowing alcohol to be served at The Floyd. The Libations are poured out to young and old as we all collectively await kickoff. The sounds of fighting in the stands and abandoned children fill the air, which is thick with cigarette smoke and despair. The game begins . . .
Which leads to the third question:


3. Describe the perfect game - situation and score.
Right before kick-off, John Lilley, M.Div., takes the field, wearing preacher robes and carrying an ancient text, he begins to incant in Latin, and magically, the zombie remains of Earl Rudder and R.C. Slocum appear at midfield. The two Aggie legends teeter and totter, as Mike Singletary emerges from the locker room, clad in samurai robes and carrying a sword. He lunges toward the two Zombie-Ag-Legends and with one swift blow, decapitates both. The crowd roars with approval and litters the field with Pearl Light cans, lotto tickets, and chicken bones. The Agric fans in attendance recoil in horror, as Baylor Bomber Dave Cunningham, temporarily released from federal prison, swoops down in a stolen helicopter, dangling what looks like a giant bucket at the end of a rope, and unleashes one thousand pounds of horse shit on the Aggie band. Thousands of Agrics flee the stadium, fearing for what awaits them next.

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The Samurai: He Will Eat Your Soul

As the Ags take the field, ready to receive the kickoff, Grant Teaff comes down from the luxury box, puts on pads and a helmet, and subs in for a special teams player. The ball is kicked and is suspended in the air for what seems like hours as Teaff proceeds to maim the entire kickoff return unit of A&M. The ball drops down at the 1 yd line and the fans begining throwing their clothes on the field to honor the one, true Baylor legend.

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Teaff's Record vs UT: 11-12

In the next succession of downs, the offense continues to lose players, until Coach Fran is forced to turn to the handful of Ag fans in attendance, and asks, would any of you be willing to suit up and play, you know, 12th Man-style? Sure enough, Bubba Ignorson, from Jasper, dons the Number 12 jersey and takes the snap as JoePa (The B's star linebacker, not the Nitney Lions coach) runs for Bubba. The 12th Man tries to elude capture, but is knocked to the ground and pronounced brain dead on the scene by local witch doctor. The Big 12 Commish, in attendance, decides the game has been forfeited, as no more Ags will volunteer for the once-coveted 12th Man spot, and the stadium erupts in peals of laughter and mighty flatulence. For an encore, GuyMo grabs Fran by the double chin and pulls him towards the 50 yd line. He turns to the crowd: "What would you have me do with him?"

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Fran Was Hated, Villified - And That Was Just How the Aggies Felt

The crowd responds: "Crucify him! Crucify him!" GuyMo, ever the humanitarian, decides it best to offer Fran the chance to fall on his sword. Fran does this by calling a member of the Corps a Democrat. The Corps member couldn't abide such an insult and lops off Fran's head.

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Ags: A Gay Son, Maybe, But Never a Lib

The crowd then follows the BearMeat Editorial Board, as we hoist the corpse of Reviellie on a stick and march out of the Floyd, singing "That Good Old Baylor Line.

End Scene.



4. What's your favorite show/movie/book that has to do with Hawaii?
Uh, what is Hawaii?

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Baptists Have More Fun: Streaking the A&M Game

The danger of concepts like congregational autonomy and the priesthood of the believer is that occasionally some derranged alumni or student will misapply such concepts as justifying their penchant for streaking during a nationally-broadcast 2005 Baylor Baseball home game against A&M. Streaking Aggie games is the only way to show our disapproval of the Agric worldview and lifestyle choices, but it is also a misguided theological point. From here on out, we challenge all Baylor sports fans to start a tradition of streaking at outdoor events where we play the Agriculturalists. Why? Because they deserve it. According to the official Baylor Athletics site: "The Streaker scaled the outfield wall, swam the Brazos and was never heard from again." Swam the Brazos! Kudos, anonymous Baylor streaker. Kudos.


Note: For all those who say Baylor is too puritanical and uptight, listen to the crowd cheer as the naked man climbs the outfield wall: he has triumphed over the forces of decency and is audibly rewarded for it. This man, just like Leighton Radtke, is another embodiment of the spirit of these here BearMeats. Also, note that he climbs over the wall close to the George's sign. Coincidence or clever marketing? You be the judge.


The Youtube description of the clip is pure BearMeat gold:
A Baylor University fan streaks at a Baylor vs. aTm baseball game while holding a sign that read 35-34 which was the score of the Baylor vs. aTm football game in which Baylor defeated the Aggies in a double overtime comeback victory. After the streak in the bottom of the 9th inning at the baseball game, Baylor scored 7 runs once again defeating the Aggies in a comeback victory. Several Aggies were later seen in the parking lot crying.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Around the Quad: The Loneliness of the ALICO

[Dearest Readers,


Today I write you all alone from the deserted confines of our office space on the 13th floor of the ALICO building. Gov. Pat and The Good Judge have apparently departed for the summer with out telling anyone, taking with them most of the per diem allotted for our trip to Fort Worth in September, a case of Rebel Yell, and three buxom interns. If you see these two old men, please contact Waco Crime Stoppers, or at least our attorney, Vic Feazell. With that distressing news, I bring you news from Around the Quad.

Cordially,

Red Andrews
Senior Editor]

1. New BearBacker: BoilerBabe. We would like to extend a hearty BearMeat welcome to BoilerBabe, a Purdue alum, law professor, and Chet Edwards supporter. Based on her biographical credentials and a thorough search of the law school faculty profiles, we believe this to be an accurate sketch of what "Pat" looks like. If you see her around town, be sure to say hello.



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BoilerBabe: Last Known Whereabouts - Health Camp


2. Aaron Bruce: Back from the NBA Draft. After dipping his big toe in the waters of the NBA draft, Aaron Bruce thought it best to stay in Waco with his hot girlfriend playing for Scott Drew than to submit his name for consideration in the NBA Draft. We're sure that after another year playing for Drew, Bruce will have the necessary skills to play for the Memphis Grizzlies, or even the Washington Wizards.

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Aaron the Bruce: "There are more available white women at Baylor than in Memphis; thus, I return."


3. Summer Guest Lecture Series: BearBacker Voices. Thanks to intense negotiations between our legal team and some of our BearBackers, we have hammered out a few preliminary agreements and option contracts with Jonathan Swanburg and The Razor to write guest columns for our blog. Since our interns have gone on strike and the editorial board is in disarray, we have requested that our friends contribute a verse to the cacophony that is BearMeat. Hopefully, this will keep our little coal-powered blog chugging along until our football season preview begins.

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Swan: Cali-Swagger Meets Holiday Cheer

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