Friday, June 29, 2007
Around the Quad: The Office's SWC Rivalry
Pardon this brief break in the BearBacker Voices Summer Lecture Series. We have at least four more lectures to go, including Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation, former McLennan County DA Vic Feazell, Matt Mosley of ESPN, and Associate Editor Brandon Dean Price. Sometimes we've gotta actually do some posting ourselves. While we have had trouble commandeering sea-worthy vessels in order to get to work amidst this flooding, Gov. Pat had a pontoon boat that we've been using to navigate the Venice-like streets of Waco. Thankfully, Senior Intern Gunder Thorson actually lives on the 13th Floor and was able to gather some Meaty Tidbits for publication. Enjoy!
Senior Editor, BearMeat]
1. John Edwards Visits Waco to see Democratic Kingmaker Bernard Rapoport. John Edwards made a brief stop in Waco yesterday to see Bernard Rapoport and beg him for campaign contributions in unmarked U.S. currency. We know this process well, as our humble, coal-powered blog is primarily sustained by a grant from the Rapoport Foundation. Basically, Mr. Rappoport is the underwriter of our blog. You may have detected our partisan bias. That is mandated from our very own left-wing Rupert Murdoch. This impromptu visit by the former Senator prompted our very own Wendy (Who Does Waco) to exclaim: "Waco: Big Ballin' and Shot Callin'." We couldn't agree more.
2. Where Are They Now - Baylor Alumni Edition. We are pleased to announce that former BearMeat Intern Angela Kinsey (B.A. 1993), who stars as Angela Martin on NBC's The Office has been flinging her green and gold afar on TV, making sure to stick it to Brian Baumgartner (the fat accountant) who plays Kevin on the show. Why? Because he graduated from SMU, dammit! (that last link is really worth it, for fans of The Office)
Angela, center, Brian, right, Random Mexican, left
Winner of BearMeat's 1990 Chi O Whale Tail Scholarship
Labels: Around the Quad
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
BearBacker Voices: LoomisBoy vs Grant Teaff
It will be thirty years this August since Richard Nixon resigned in shame, ending one of the darker periods in American history. Today, finally, comes word of the identity of a man who has until now only been known as "Deep Throat." Former FBI executive Mark Felt finally admitted that he was the "confidential White House source" who met with Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward several times, guiding the Post's investigation just enough to keep it on track.
Deep Throat: J. Edgar Hoover's Lieutenant
LoomisBoy as an intrepid Lariat reporter
When I think about Mark Felt (whom I have suspected for years to be Deep Throat--I'm kicking myself for not having that prediction in print), I think about my own "Watergate" experience. During my senior year at Baylor a disgruntled football player started feeding me "inside" information about the football program at Baylor. He told of rules ignored, parking tickets fixed ... minor stuff compared to modern college football scandals, but stuff that shouldn't have been happening, especially at a Baptist university that espoused a higher standard. My advisor at the college newspaper (James Batts, a great teacher and seasoned veteran newspaper reporter/editor) cautioned me to be very careful, but to continue to pursue the truth. After weeks of trying to put together a story, I thought I had enough to confront the head football coach. This was the man who is now a legend at Baylor, Grant Teaff.
Teaff The Immortal
S.P. Brooks's Hobo Son: BearMeat's Dapper Dandy
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
BearBacker Voices: Poseur's Road-to-Damascus Conversion
Given a chance to write about Baylor sports, I realized that I might actually have to WATCH a Baylor sporting event, something that I’ve had problems doing. And the last time I commented on Baylor sports (the softball team’s WCWS run over on my blog), I thought Baylor fans were going to kill me. Which was surprising given the fact I wasn’t aware Baylor had any fans. (Just
kidding. Please don’t kill me).
But I’m trying. I’m trying to adopt the Bears as a backup team to my undergrad alma mater LSU. I like the live bears. I like the unreasonable hatred of Texas A&M and the effort to start up a rivalry with the Aggies*. I like that I can get tickets five minutes before game time. I like the George’s tent. And I really like that any good thing is cause for celebration. When expectations are low, its impossible to be disappointed. Here are the things holding me back from being a Bear Backer:
Zoloft: A BearBacker's Best Friend
I don’t need any more depression in my life or else I might have to up my Zoloft prescription.
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Temeka?
Conflict of interest. The sports Baylor is good at, so is LSU. I’m still bitter about the Women’s Final Four and Temeka Johnson dribbling the ball off her foot. Enjoy your freaking title, Baylor fans. And I’m not sure I have the energy to ignore two track teams.
"Pipe Down, Son. Don't You Know We're Gonna Lose?"
Quiet. Someone yelled at me at the Texas A&M-Baylor football game to sit down and be quiet. It’s not like I was yelling profanity. I was simply cheering the Bears. And someone told me to be quiet. On the third and short. And we wonder why there is no homefield advantage at Floyd Casey. I’m morally opposed to being quiet during a football game. Yell, people.
The Will Ferrell Center: The Baptist Golden Nipple
The Ferrell Center looks like a golden nipple. It freaks me out. Also, two of my worst experiences in Waco have been in that building: Kansas beating the ever-living snot out of Baylor’s basketball team and Law Day. Seriously, can you imagine anything that sounds like less fun than lawyers patting themselves on the back for three hours? I swear to God, they gave us
tickets which we redeemed when we left to prove we didn’t cut out early.
The Scariest Mascot Ever
The cartoon bear logo. Wow, that thing sucks. I hear it has gone the way of the dodo, but it’s the kind of logo which screams “focus group”. While we’re on the subject, decide on a color scheme. Is it gold or yellow? I have Baylor T-shirts to buy.
Il Papa: The Catholic Robert Sloan
Baptists. I’m Catholic, and I’m worried about excommunication as it is going to a Baptist school, considering the pope seems to be on an excommunicating roll recently. But if I start rooting for a Baptist team on top of my deep, unabiding hatred for Notre Dame? Why not just spit on the Virgin Mary and be done with it? I better do the Rosary just to be sure…
Screw it. I’m in. Let the losing begin. Someone pass me a Wild Turkey mixed with Dr. Pepper.
* Before you Aggies start with the “you’re not our rival” stuff, take a long look in the mirror and evaluate your relationship with the Longhorns of Texas. Then take a big hearty bite of shut the hell up.
Around the Quad: We're 85!
Lover, Fighter, Felon]
Going Down With The Ship
2. Sportswriters Lack Confidence in Baylor's Upcoming Football Season. A writer at the SportingNews says that he wants to give GuyMo a copy of the "Serenity Prayer" for the upcoming season. That's not a bad idea. In fact, that ought to be the creed of Baylor athletics. We present the prayer in its full text so that you can see just how well it applies to our beloved Bears.
God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference.
3. Introducing: The Meaty Tidbits Hotline! Have you ever wanted to share a secret or important information with the public, but didn't know what the appropriate channel for such a disclosure was? Of course you have. Now, with the BearMeat Meaty Tidbits Hotline, you can share breaking news, insider information, gossip, rumors, and President Lilley nap sightings with the benefit of anonymity. Just email Meaty.Tidbits@gmail.com and the newly-created BearMeat Bureau of Discreet Information will receive, research, verify and process the Meaty Tidbit into a digestible news story. Its passing the liability on to BearMeat, with no risk to yourself. We have our most senior intern, Gunder Thorson, overseeing this Bureau, so you can trust that its in good hands. In case you are wondering what purpose this will serve, we're hoping to compete with Waco's other entertainment gossip blogs out there, who have shored up all the high-end advertisers.
Email Us So We Can Update the John Lilley Nap Watch
Monday, June 25, 2007
BearBacker Voices: Northern Lights
It was April 1990, and the Cincinnati Bengals were on the clock. The team’s brain trust thought, considered, ruminated, and – wait a second, let me check the thesaurus – pondered their choice. In due course, they sent the name of James Francis, linebacker, up to the Commissioner. And Dallas Cowboys fans like me cursed the Bengals, cursed them for taking Francis out from under the very nose of Jimmy Johnson. Francis was a can’t-miss prospect, a stud linebacker in an era where linebackers were the up-and-coming superstars of the defense. And – this was the hardest part – he was from the B. (We just called it “Baylor” back then, which was the style at the time.)
The Cowboys would recover; they’d take an unheralded underclassman RB from Florida later in that round, somebody named Smith. But the B wouldn’t fare so well. Francis (who would play nine years for the Bengals and the Hated Redskins) was the last Baylor player taken in the top fifteen. Only one other B gridder, stalwart lineman Daryl Gardener, would go in the first round in the years since 1990. The stylishly-named LaCurtis Jones went in that draft too, in the fourth round, and the Ravens would take Gary Baxter in the second round in 2001. Those are the high spots in Baylor’s post-Teaff NFL draft history, which is about as pretty as the sixth-runner-up for Homecoming Queen at Plainview High.
2007 would be something of an improvement. Daniel Sepulveda (two-time Ray Guy Award winner, unanimous consensus first-team All-American, hero of American youth) would go in the fourth round, albeit to the Hated Steelers. And cornerback C.J. Wilson would go the Mildly Despised Carolina Panthers in the seventh round. This is a positive step, undeniably.
But one couldn’t help noticing that Shawn Bell was left out. True, the draft is always a crapshoot (see Quinn, Brady, public humiliation of). And it’s true that Bell had torn his ACL playing against the Agriculturalists, and the quarterback talent this year was deep – but you’d think that some team, somewhere, could use a bit of the B on their squad. (Maybe everywhere except Atlanta; you wouldn’t want to see a Michael Vick understudy who knew the ins and outs of the live bear-cub market.) Bell wasn’t drafted, and didn’t sign as a free agent, and that generally means you start thinking about grad school or learning how to sell real estate.
But Bell bounced back. (Try saying that three times fast.) He ended up signing with the British Columbia Lions of the Canadian Football League. Now, the CFL is generally the place where quarterbacks go to die (exemplia gratia: former Cougar High QB Andre Ware was as big a bust with the B.C. Lions as he was with the Detroit Lions). And if the CFL was Texas college football, the Lions would be the local version of the UTEP Miners – undistinguished and out of the way. (The CFL, historically, is dominated by the Toronto Argonauts – the local version of the Texas Longhorns -- and the Edmonton Eskimos, located in the big, flat, empty Agriculturalist plains of Alberta.)
But the Lions did win the Grey Cup last year, and – let’s face it – living in Vancouver has, shall we say, certain advantages over living in Baylor. To wit:
Average Kickoff Temperature at Home Opener:
Vancouver: 72 degrees under the B.C. Place dome.
Annual Summertime Event:
Vancouver: The “Celebration of Light” international fireworks competition, with fireworks representatives from different countries vying for the title.
Vancouver: The Gaslight District, featuring restaurants, antique shops, and designer fashions.
In The Movies:
Vancouver: Over 200 movies filming each year, most recently the Fantastic Four sequel, featuring the delectable Jessica Alba in spandex.
Vancouver: The open-air farmer’s market on Granville Island, adjacent to many craft shops, and featuring fresh seafood, vegetables, and a really nice coconut pie.
Vancouver: A hub for Asian culture, with a vibrant Chinatown and several five-star dim-sum palaces.
Vancouver: Pamela Anderson.
Vancouver: According to Wikipedia – and I’m just including this for information purposes and not for tourism purposes – “Vancouver police generally do not arrest people for possessing small amounts of marijuana.”
Vancouver: Hundreds of downtown high-rise apartment buildings with glittering green windows.
The Symbol of Our Freedom
Vancouver: The vibrant downtown is a frequent stop for Alaska-bound cruise ships.
Big Event in 1986:
Vancouver: The 1986 World’s Fair, the most successful such fair in history, with 50 million visitors looking at pavilions from 54 nations.
Vancouver: The XXI Olympic Winter Games, complete with luge, bobsled, and visitors from every nation asking what the hell is up with the outfits that the men’s figure skaters are wearing.
Around the Quad: Kate at the Gate
Sunday, June 24, 2007
BearBacker Voices: The Legend of Flash Bradley
Dr. W.C. Brann Flake, Asst. Editor, BearMeat
That B football recruiting machine just keeps on producing.
While perusing the local sports page and asking “What season is it?” this BearMeat editor found a small gem worth attention. Seems the B’s Coach Schnupp was watching film of a receiver in Florida when he saw a “flash across the screen” (not the receiver under observation flashing across the screen; the reported “flash” was an offensive lineman).
"The Flash" in the Flesh
But back to the “Flash”.
Seems the “Flash” is 6’6” 295 lb offensive tackle Larry Bradley [link is to his myspace.com page] who was invited to B’s campus on the basis of his one “flash across the screen” cameo. The B was so impressed he was offered on the spot. He committed immediately. And not only committed, but is expecting to play this fall as a true freshman. “I think they’re expecting me to be a bigtime player for them this year,” Bradley was quoted.
BearMeat football prognosticators thought we might take a look into “Flash” Bradley’s near future. Sooooo . . . . . Flash, meet Frank Okam, 3 year starting defensive tackle for the University of Texas across the line from whom you will line up. Among other items on Mr. Okam’s 6’6 345lb vitae are, Parade All-American as a high school senior where he was on all major college recruiting lists, three year starter letterman for a national championship program, and most notably 2007 pre-season All-American.
"I'm more machine, now, than man."
And on “Flashes” football vitae? According to the Waco Trib report “Up until this year Bradley had never even played football.” And had our crack recruiting staff not offered “Flash” a scholarship on the spot of his visit last week, where else might he have played? Well, according to “Flash” until Baylor offered he was considering, “applying to some smaller schools [where he might have a chance to play basketball]” Sounds to this BearMeat guru that the cell phone lines between “Flash” and DI, DII, OR DIII football recruiters were not exactly swamped with textmessages.
Yup, with the B football recruiting armada making raids like this one into the state of Florida, it is the BearMeat football prognosticators’ consensus opinion that merely turning dirt on the 30 million dollar on-campus practice facility is already paying significant dividends.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Around the Quad: The Immortal Ten
How we love you so dearly. We hold all 17 of you in our hearts and think only of your interests. That is why we bring you news from Around the Quad.
Runnin' shit up in these here BearMeats]
1. Immortal 10 Statue Commemorates Tragedy From 80 Years Ago. Here in the Bermuda Triangle of Central Texas, we take our tragedy very seriously. It defines who we are. Lynchings, bus crashes, tornados, standoffs, cat murder, and intra-squad hoops shootings, are all part of the fabric of life on the Brazos. Its odd that it took 80 years to commemorate a bus-train crash in Round Rock that killed 10 people associated with the basketball team. Perhaps this is just something that we never got around to. A historical loose end that has weighed heavily on successive student government administrations.
Immortal 10: Honoring Scott Drew's Road Losing Streak
Regardless, the statue was finalized today, where the Vara Daniel Soviet Fountain once stood, so that future generations of Baylor students will know that many years ago a bus ran into a train, which prompted the erection of an overpass. Should we consider other athletics tragedies as well? Perhaps a monument to Queso the Cat is in order, or, even more somber, a statue of Dotson, Dennehy, and Bliss in Minglewood Bowl. Don't get me wrong, I actually think the statue is kind of cool, in the same way that all the lamp posts at The B are markers to the fallen in WWII, its just another strange chapter in our history being both opened and closed with the erection of that monument.
The Memorialization of a Curse
2. New BearBacker: Poseur. Poseur is a cross-blogger extrodinaire, as well as an LSU Tiger and lawyer-to-be. Perhaps he can clerk for our Legal Counsel, Vic "Y'all Aren't Making This Easy For Me, BearMeat" Feazell. Mr. Stephen Baker is sure to enhance the dialogue of these here BearMeats with his wide-ranging knowledge of libations and sport. Welcome to the S.S. BearMeat, Poseur; you will be receiving your welcome kit in the mail, along with your BearMeat Whiskey Pouch and itinerary for the next two months. Hint: you've got a lot of drinking competitions planned for this summer. Better get ready.
Poseur: Not a Poser or a Hoser
3. Greatest. Painting. Ever. After the attacks of 9/11, many in Central Texas believed local boy George W. Bush to be God's annointed leader. His home in Crawford and Baylor's bid for his li-bary seemed to indicate that this Man of God would usher in a new era of righteousness in the USA. Chicago-born painter Ron DiCianni tapped into this feeling by unveiling a painting, Praying for Peace, that was a best-seller at the Waco area Compass Christian Lifestyle Bookstore (now out of business). Compass is a corporate chain which caters to the Evangelical Christian consumer. It famously was closed on Sundays, in observance of the Sabbath, with the notable exception of the Christmas Season, when the profits were too great to resist.
Praying for a 30% Approval Rating
We here at the BearMeat Editorial Board believe that by sharing this relic from a more hopeful era in the Bush Administration, we can lure Bush's library back to Baylor, where it belongs. Those negotations with SMU must not be going so well. Why would you want a library in a town with a lesbian sheriff anyway, Mr. President? Our sheriff, Larry Lynch, is a straight, white, male Republican and would be proud to defend your legacy with every deputy at his disposal.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
BearBacker Voices: The Razor's Porn Cat
Baylor History: The Fall of the L.E.D. Zeppelin
In the Winter of 1930 things were really in the tank for Baylor, with low morale and a horrible deficit. By this point, it was clear that the financial model underlying his Vision 1930 was a failure, and President Brooks was badly in need of some positive press. Desperate, he turned to the crack research being done by his faculty. Two groundbreaking profs caught his attention, one in business marketing and one in theology: Marketing Prof. Gunther (“The Impregnator”) Horvald was already famous for turning emerging technologies into marketing gold. His latest project utilized two of the hottest new developments in popular science: flying dirigibles (gas-filled balloons), and Light-Emitting Diodes.
The Impregnator: Proponent of Intelligent Design Theory
Livermore: "Dog & Cat Fornication is Odious to Our Lord."
An Early, Miniature Prototype of the L.E.D. Zeppelin
Brooks determined that the message displayed should trumpet Baylor’s scholarly accomplishments and Brooks’ leadership. Thus, it was decided that the painted message should be followed by a synopsis of Livermore’s scholarly conclusions, so that the two parts would combine to announce “BAYLOR UNIVERSITY PRESENTS: STOP PET FORNICATION! BROOKS.” The plan went well, to a point. The LED Zeppelin successfully made it to Illinois and arrived at the World’s Fair just as 100,000 people gathered at Navy Pier, and as planned, hovered low in the night air. However, the primitive LED device had been damaged on the trip, and when the message was switched on by one of the three highly trained zeppeliners, it read:
Robert Sloan's 1997 Porn Cat Costume
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
BearMeat UnSalutes: Greg!
[UPDATE: It is with deepest regrets to let you dearest readers know that the YouTube clips of the great Leighton Radtke have been set to private by the creators of Radtke's adventures in drunkeness. If you missed these clips...you have not yet met a prouder Baylor Bear. Sic 'em Bears. Lucky Charms. In memoriam. R.I.P. Leighton Radtke.]
As mentioned before, BearMeat is always on the lookout for that special someone who exudes, no, rather bleeds Green & Gold. I'm thinking along the lines of those freakish Gatorade commercials. I want a chiseled body sweating lemon and lime flavored Gatorade while playing basketball, volleyball, or pounding dollar Mickeys at Scruffy Murphy's on a Sunday night.
But sometimes we find the opposite. Meet Greg. Greg of www.humans.com. He's young. He's fresh. He's got a BMW 330i. He's also now public property!
[UPDATE 2: Greg requested that his photo be sheltered from the readers of this site. So instead you must travel here to see Gregger the Gregorian. It's probably not worth the visit though. So instead...here's another lolcat!!]
(The following comments are some juicy nuggets from his website. Actually, his site seems and looks quite old, and judging by his message board, I am assuming Greg dropped out of humans.com like he did Baylor.)
Greg on Waco: Waco, Texas is ghetto. Very ghetto.
Greg on Baylor: There is no personality at this school + I had more intellectually stimulating conversation in high school.
Greg on Baylor girls: Contrary to popular belief, the majority of the girls at this school are not attractive. That, or they're Baptist, which speaks for itself.
Greg on religion: My friend Nate, who lives in my dorm, felt I was lost, so he had me speak to the pastor of the most popular church in Waco, Highland Baptist....He could hardly answer any of my questions and told me things like, "Dogs and cats don't have souls. They don't go to Heaven or experience an afterlife." And, "All religions except Christianity lead to Hell." I sarcastically responded with, "Well it sounds to me like all the interesting people like Einstein and Nietzsche go to Hell, so maybe I'd rather be there anyway!"
Greg on his future: I need out of this place before I start having convulsions. I thought Baylor was going to be very different. My plans for next year are to go to either SMU in Dallas or UT in Austin.
Greg on Waco statistics: Crime rates more than twice that of national average.
19th poorest city in US.
Most churches per square mile in the nation.
Greg on being poor: I still feel bad in a lot of ways about transferring to SMU though. One of the reasons my parents bought me my nice 330i was because I got a $28,000 scholarship to Baylor.
Thanks for leaving Waco, Greg. BearMeat would have hated to dress you up as an alley cat and hand you over to the baseball team. Enjoy Dallas!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
BearBacker Voices: Swanburg's Poolside Chat
Swanburg: On a Previous Assignment With Jerry Rice
The Interviewee: One of Swan's Homelier Conquests
BON & EDSBS LIVE: The Four Questions
Ranked 6th, But Not For Long
The Samurai: He Will Eat Your Soul
Teaff's Record vs UT: 11-12
Fran Was Hated, Villified - And That Was Just How the Aggies Felt
Ags: A Gay Son, Maybe, But Never a Lib
Baptists Have More Fun: Streaking the A&M Game
A Baylor University fan streaks at a Baylor vs. aTm baseball game while holding a sign that read 35-34 which was the score of the Baylor vs. aTm football game in which Baylor defeated the Aggies in a double overtime comeback victory. After the streak in the bottom of the 9th inning at the baseball game, Baylor scored 7 runs once again defeating the Aggies in a comeback victory. Several Aggies were later seen in the parking lot crying.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Around the Quad: The Loneliness of the ALICO
1. New BearBacker: BoilerBabe. We would like to extend a hearty BearMeat welcome to BoilerBabe, a Purdue alum, law professor, and Chet Edwards supporter. Based on her biographical credentials and a thorough search of the law school faculty profiles, we believe this to be an accurate sketch of what "Pat" looks like. If you see her around town, be sure to say hello.
BoilerBabe: Last Known Whereabouts - Health Camp
2. Aaron Bruce: Back from the NBA Draft. After dipping his big toe in the waters of the NBA draft, Aaron Bruce thought it best to stay in Waco with his hot girlfriend playing for Scott Drew than to submit his name for consideration in the NBA Draft. We're sure that after another year playing for Drew, Bruce will have the necessary skills to play for the Memphis Grizzlies, or even the Washington Wizards.
Aaron the Bruce: "There are more available white women at Baylor than in Memphis; thus, I return."
3. Summer Guest Lecture Series: BearBacker Voices. Thanks to intense negotiations between our legal team and some of our BearBackers, we have hammered out a few preliminary agreements and option contracts with Jonathan Swanburg and The Razor to write guest columns for our blog. Since our interns have gone on strike and the editorial board is in disarray, we have requested that our friends contribute a verse to the cacophony that is BearMeat. Hopefully, this will keep our little coal-powered blog chugging along until our football season preview begins.
Swan: Cali-Swagger Meets Holiday Cheer