It's still a ballgame folks. Dare I say it's a late night in the Alico? The Lady Bears are sporting some sweet softball uniforms and are hanging in with #1 seed 'Zona. We've got some lovely looking ladies out there. Baylor has gotten this far due to a passball or two, and I am learning some new rules to the game of softball in the process. Hey, what's the deal with the batter box in softball? It seems like every WildCat baller leaves the box before each pitch, trying to get that extra couple feet towards the first base. It's worked a couple of times with no arguments, so I guess that's cool in the world of "soft"ball. That ball ain't soft by the way.
The WildCat pitcher is around 150 pitches now. I would like to see that with some baseball pitchers now a days. Not gonna happen. I gotta say this is pretty exciting. The Bears are on national TV. ESPN wants to show SportsCenter. Gotta show some BronBron highlights. But they got a contract! Gotta show the whole game. This ain't no NHL games, corporate folk. Anyway, we're going to another inning. I'll check back with you all if I am still awake. I see this game going at least 12 innings.
Let's go Bears. Take down them defending national champs. Sic 'Em!!
Oh shit....homerun 'Zona. Game over. Good game Bears. That sucks.
Ingredients: two oz. cold Sake, one oz. rectified grain spirit of your choice, sixteen dashes of cracked black pepper, one pickled artichoke heart.
Best if enjoyed with: Miller High Life and former alums who resided in Brooks Hall in the late '70s/early '80s.
"Help me. Vision 2012 has destroyed me and my friends."
Symbolism: Of course the Sake correlates directly to his professional nickname. A Samurai was a noble warrior in the history of Japan who showed respect to all and was a devout servant of a lord. Singletary's focus and strength on and off the field is a perfect match for the honor of being called a Samurai. The rectified spirit symbolizes the power and might Singletary wielded on the football field. Being 96% (192 proof), a rectified spirit is no laughing matter as one could easily end up bewildered and dumbfounded like an '85 Eric Dickerson.
The dashes of cracked pepper represents the sixteen helmets he cracked during his years at Baylor. Damn. And finally, the artichoke heart represents Singletary being the heart of the defense. Use the Miller High Life to wash down that heart if it doesn't go down smooth the first time. Damn, that's the gritty taste of nostalgia.
"I endorse my family and BearMeat; I do not endorse this drink."
Leighton Radke. Class of 2006. BSED in Recreation (!). Member of the Forensic Society. He lives the dream in a way we can never imagine. This former BearMeat Intern has never been photographed or filmed with a shirt on, nor will he consent to it. His life shames us all for living in such an artificial manner.
Continuing with our 24/7 Leighton Radtke Youtube coverage, we present After Hours Leighton: Poontangin' With Horny Geriatrics.
We here at BearMeat are always on the lookout for staunch supporters and fervent activists of the Baylor cause. From the amazing enthusiasm of George Shelton to the zealous words of Red Andrews, Bear pride is first and foremost our ambition as we gaze lovingly down on the campus from atop the Alico Building.
However, let us mark this day, Wednesday, May 30th, 2007, as that fateful day when BearMeat was introduced to real Bear pride. Introducing...Leighton Radtke.
Leighton and his buddy fortunately put up the following clip on YouTube so the world could celebrate and witness the awesome power that is "Sic 'Em Bears" and its equally forceful hand gesture. I like to think of Leighton as the Johnny Appleseed of "Sic 'Em Bears," traveling coast to coast and spreading the Baylor word.
*slight warning* I believe this video is from a drunken post finals and spring semester era, dating it to earlier this month. My gambling senses tingle here as I presume they are headed to Louisiana on a trip for sweet cash and some creole trim. The language is loose as well. I will tease you folks with my favorite Leighton quote from this video.
Everyone just stared at me like I was fucking crazy.
Leighton Radtke...BearMear salutes you! Sic 'Em Bears...Lucky Charms!
Around the Quad: Return of the Southwest Conference
As piss poor as our coverage of the Baylor Baseball season has been, we must confess that we weren't that optimistic about the Bears' chances this year. However, as the season wore on, the Bears began to surge ahead, made the Big12 Tourney, and fell six runs shy of winning the Championship yesterday. Recently, our beloved Beamer Weems was named to the All-Big12 First Team and now we have received news that our team has made the NCAA tourney yet again. These news items have inspired us to attempt to blog the Bears again. Its been difficult after yet another year of sub-expectation football and basketball, especially considering we had the talent to do so much better. Even Mulk's early tourney exit contributed to the general feeling of despair around the ALICO, but the baseball team's recent success (along with softball's awesome season) has us drinking a little less Rebel Yell and a little more top-shelf whiskey.
Beamer Weems: Named All-Big12 Funny Name Team
1. Revenge of the Old SWC. Our tournament seeding has placed us in the same bracket with Rice and TCU! Talk about your joyful reunion: its so nice to be able to play our old sister schools from the SWC, who fell from the limelight when the SWC disbanded. It was fun back in the day when we had Rice, TCU, SMU, Arkansas and Houston on the schedule, both because three of them are small private schools and also because they helped balance out UT and A&M. Now we draw TCU and Rice in the Houston Regional Tourney. What fortune. Not that it will be easy, but who better to lose to than an old foe? You can find the bracket here.
If you will permit us a moment of somber reflection and mourning, the BearMeat Editorial Board would like to express its profound sorrow at the passing of Herb Reynolds. We wish to extend our sympathies and prayers to the family and friends of Dr. Reynolds, who truly represented the best of Baylor University, and under whose leadership Baylor thrived and flourished. May God have mercy on us.
Ingredients: One part Jagermeister, one part Carlo Rossi, one part Dr. Pepper, served at room temperature.
Best consumed with: bread.
Symbolism: The dark, brooding color of this drink represents Dr. Sloan's opaque vision (see Point 3 of our Declarations of Principles) of Baylor's future. The Dr. Pepper represents failure and greed. Little did we know that an early 1997 meeting between Dr. Sloan and Todd Stitzer, CEO of Dr. Pepper, would send shock waves throughout our bubble which still reverberate to this day. The alcohol symbolizes a simple willingness to forget.
1997 Events FACT: Coke Hour became Dr. Pepper Hour changing 44 years of tradition. FACT: Inception of the Big 12. FACT: Dave Roberts hired. Since then: 9 football seasons, 25 wins, 85 losses, 2 more coaches. FACT: Last win over UT, the last homecoming win since this past season's 19 Point Miracle on the Brazos. FACT: Hideous green bear logo with edgy font introduced. R.I.P. 2004. Thank you Lord. FACT: Dr. Pepper introduced into Australian market. Aaron "Emu" Bruce's first taste of Waco Pride and future NBDL/Euro/NBA glory.
Warning: This drink does not give one 20/12 vision. I don't think that is possible, but our lawyers inform us to mention this.
BearMeat Intern, Lupita "Peta" McGlonchar, bypassing the Carlo Rossi and Dr. P. She's so beautiful.
BearMeat faithful, please tell us if you have any warm (angry), fuzzy (blacked out), and kind (disturbing) thoughts about Baylor, vintage 1997.
We have awakened at our desks in the ALICO today to find out that the internets have been shining down on us! To celebrate, we present the first of many (we imagine) Bear Libations: Drinks for Baylor Sports Fans.
1. New Oso Amigo: Hashmarks by Matt Mosley. Today we celebrate receiving recognition through no action of our own. On the heels of our landmark interview with BON and EDSBS, comes a link from ESPN writer and BU Alum Matt Mosley (Class of '95) on his new NFL blog (hosted on ESPN) cleverly-named Hashmarks. We expect much coverage of Singletary, Kevin Steele, Santana Dotson, Daniel Sepulveda, and all the Baylor diaspora in the NFL. Thus, he becomes a new Oso Amigo, joining the other esteemed inductees into the Valhalla of BearMeat. Welcome aboard the S.S. BearMeat, Matt, and thanks for the national media shoutout. Sic 'em!
Mosley: Bringin' the Pain, Bringin' the Green & Gold
2. Introducting Bear Libations: Drinks for Baylor Sports Fans. Since following sports at The B can work up quite a thirst, we thought we'd offer a few drinks that will quickly stop your liver from growling during a blowout loss to Texas Tech. The first of these Bear Libations is The Kevin Steele:
The Kevin Steele One part Rebel Yell brand whiskey, two parts H-E-B Quench lemon-lime flavored energy drink, served over ice. Best consumed with: Beef brisket flavored with tears of sorrow. Best if consumed in the company of other Baylor fans. Symbolism: The Rebel Yell brand symbolizes the decline of the Old South as an idea, just as Baylor Football has been in a long decline as well. The H-E-B Quench energy drink symbolizes mediocrity in athletics and Texas Pride. The Green-and-Gold color of the drink symbolizes eternal pride in the oldest school in Texas.
The Kevin Steele: This Ain't No Sippin' Drink
Kevin Steele: "Things might be bad now, champ, but some day sarcastic bloggers will name a shitty drink after me - and actually drink it."
For those of you dedicated enough to tune in to EDSBS Live, you probably don't have to read this post, but if you haven't you can listen to the re-broadcast by clicking here (interview with Red Andrews 60 minutes into the 90 minute show):
Below are my responses to the questions of Peter Bean and Orson Swindle.
1. The big program you think really deserves the awe.
We of the BearMeat Editorial Board have largely gone into hibernation until August, while we hopefully will contribute to our beloved blog as frequently as possible, the subjects upon which we like to pontificate are few and far between. If only Sloan, Steele and Bliss would return home. There has been much too much tranquility and bland mediocrity as of late. What happened to scandal, contentiousness, and humiliation? Perhaps Mulk will take a lover. If she abides in her choice to shun our advances, then might we recommend McLennan County Republican Sheriff Larry Lynch (great name for a town with a national lynching tragedy as a part of its history, eh?).
"I have come a-courtin', Mis Mulkey"
1. Radio Free BearMeat. With that having been said, thanks to Peter Bean (PB) at BurntOrangeNation (BON), we have been rescued from the summer break malaise that has swamped our editorial offices. PB has invited Red to share his perspective on love, life and the struggles of our ancestors, as a part of live internet radio, hosted by PB himself and Orson Swindle of Every Day Should Be Saturday (EDSBS), a satirical Florida Gator blog (a sample of their genius can be found here). The segment is called EDSBS Live and it is a hilarious show about college football, its culture, its obsessions and its people. Click here for tonight's broadcast at 6:30p (CST).
2. Gay Okies! As part of our "steal your thunder" campaign, we have taken PB's charity and stolen some internet treasure from him. BON picked up a postsecret.com postcard which alleges that an OU Football National Champion former player is gay. The link is here and we encourage you to gossip and speculate all you want!
Sorry for the extended absence, Lou Dobbs and I have been busy the last copy of weeks defending our borders from day laborers. I spent most of the time fainting from the heat and opening fire on maundering fauna. But I'm back for the weekend before we set out on our West Coast tour.
Our seniors are national treasures.
There is lots to report from the land of the Lady Bears. We lost a valuable asset to our team, assistant coach Karen Aston, who left to assume the head coaching position at Charlotte. We wish her the best of luck, unless we end up playing them in the future and then we will show her no mercy. We just replaced her with with Richard Barron, the former head coach of Princeton and who has recently studied under the best Euro-influenced mustache in the NBA, Mike D'Antoni.
Joy gets final say on all coaching hires.
And finally we have a compete picture of the 2007-08 team now that we have a signed Juco Big by the name of Kendrea Walker. Hopefully she will make up somewhat for the loss of WNBAer Bernice Mosby. We also have two talented freshmen coming in that should be fighting for minutes from the moment they join the team. And finally freshman Danielle Wilson was invited to tryout for the USA's Under 19 World Championship Team.
Around the Quad: America's Mayor Has His Own 2012 Vision
Greetings, dear readers. It has been a while since we've brought you news from the Greater Waco Area and from the Green and Gold Nation, so let's dust off this segment and broadcast the latest happenings from the Burleson Quadrangle.
1. Robert Sloan: Pro-Choice Crusader? Yesterday at Houston Baptist Academy, er, University, President Robert Sloan (formerly of The B) introduced Rudy Giuliani, who then gave remarks to the uber-conservative school which included a defense of a woman's right to choose, gay civil unions and limited gun control. This NY Times article covers the talk well, except for its belittling description of Sloan's new employer as Houston Baptist College. Wow! Sloan would have never permitted such a speech at Baylor. (We remember his veiled threat to the Lariat Editorial Board regarding their endorsement of gay marriage.) Perhaps his 2012 Vision for HBU includes Celebrating Diversity, Promoting Alternative Lifestyles, and Rejecting Literal Biblical Teachings. We sure hope so! Maybe when Sloan 2.0 has completed his Schwartzenegger-esque left-ward turn, he can return to Baylor to fashion us into a Berkeley-on-the-Brazos. Onward through the fog!
Rudy: "We must stay on offense against terror."
Sloan: "Yes, and we must stay on offense against Evangelical political engagement."
2. Out with the old, in with the new. Baylor's regents voted Jim Turner out as chair and Harold Cunningham in after only a one-year term for Turner. Beware, Baylor Alumni Association, your days are numbered. The Sloanites have designs to turn your organization into a missionary society intent on re-Christianizing Austin, Texas.
3. Farewell, Queen of the ALICO.Helen Quiram, who has worked at the ALICO for 54 years, having seen the tornado from the 8th floor of the building when it hit downtown, is retiring. She has worked there ever since she graduated from high school. God bless. We at the BearMeat Editorial Board will miss her greatly. She always found us the best libations, escorts and carriage rides that could be requisitioned in a pinch. You will be missed, dear Helen.
We of the BearMeat Editorial Board won't pretend like we've been following the softball team too closely all season, and haven't spilled much digital ink over their prospects, but we must give the ladies a super shoutout as they shut down the Aggies to capture the Big12 Championship! Go Lady Bears, Go! The Wacotrib has an excellent photo album capturing the glory of the victory.
"Scott Drew, Mourn No More.
We Have Avenged Your Many Humiliations On This Day."
Every sport has its position that requires a specific skill that is different from the majority of the other positions. Hockey and soccer have their goalies. Football has many such positions, but the kicking positions stand apart from the normal offensive and defensive positions. Baseball has the pitcher, the catcher and the pinch hitter (not to mention the DH in the AL). Basketball, on the other hand has five players on each team who basically perform similar roles. While their skill sets are different, height usually distinguishes one player from the next in terms of their function. Players such as Magic Johnson (6'9" point guard), Dirk Nowitski (7'0" choke-artist small forward), and Allen Iverson (5'11" shooting guard) prove the exceptions to the general rule of height and position. Yet these positions to not necessarily determine where the player will position himself on the court. That must be done willfully, and it is not required. In baseball, the pitcher must occupy the pitcher's mound. In football, the quarterback must hike the ball from the center. The soccer goalie must guard the goal. But in basketball, the positions are so much more fluid. The game is truly wide open.
"Soon Sacramento Will Tremble At The Mention of My Name"
That is what makes Robert Horry such a bizarre player on so many levels. He is basically the basketball equivalent of a field-goal kicker. While he rebounds, dishes, defends, dunks and shoots throughout the duration of his limited minutes on the floor, no player in NBA history has enjoyed his success as a late-game marksman. Robert Horry has delivered more last-second clutch shots than any player in the modern game.
"Let The Motor City Bow Before Me"
Part of this is a function of chance; Horry has happened to play on three dominant dynastic franchises: Houston's Clutch City of the mid-90s, the Lakers 3-Peat Juggernaut of the early '00s, and the grind-it-out monotony of the Popovich Era Spurs. Horry was not even the Sixth Man on any of these teams. He usually occupies the 8th or 9th spot off the bench. Yet his value to all of these teams has been incalculable. Horry, along with John Salley, is the only other player in NBA history to win championships with 3 different teams. He, along with MJ, Pippen and Kareem is the only non-Celtic to win six rings. He holds the record for NBA Finals 3Pt FGs made. He is second only to Reggie Miller in all-time Playoffs 3 Pt FGs made. Yet the weirdest Horry stat is how integral he and Steve Kerr were to winning championships over a 12 year period. Take it, Wikipedia:
Robert Horry and another clutch-shooting role player, Steve Kerr, alternated NBA Championships for a decade, and combined to win 11 championships over a twelve-year period. Either Kerr or Horry was on the roster of every NBA Championship team from the 1993-1994 season through the 2002-2003 season. Horry's teams were victorious in the NBA Finals in 1994, 1995, 2000, 2001, 2002 and 2005. Kerr's teams were winners in the NBA Finals in 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999 and 2003. Each won 3 titles playing for Phil Jackson-coached teams and every other championship with a team from Texas, the Spurs or the Rockets.
Strange, huh? Big Shot Rob, like Kerr, is the final puzzle piece for any championship contender. His knack for late-game heroics is legendary. Some critics dismiss Horry's larger-than-life reputation for clutch play as a fluke, since he only gets credit if his shots go in and bears no responsibility if they do not. This Slate article, written a few days before Horry's now-legendary Game 5 performance against the Pistons, attempts to debunk the legend. The fact of it is, that enough legendary coaches (Rudy T, Phil, Pops) trust Horry with late game shots to give him the 4th Quarter green light to shoot. Here is Exhibit A for the Defense of the Most Unique Clutch Player in Pro Sports.
In the first round this year against the Denver Nuggets, Horry hit a clutch shot with :30 left in Game 4. He's still got it. This is Horry's last season in the league. He plans on retiring next year. It is rumored that he said he would gladly trade his career, including his six rings, to be a dominant superstar. It is rumored that he feels no pressure at the end of games because he won't be responsible for the loss. It is also rumored that Horry is the greatest sports enigma of our generation. Pure luck or coincidence hardly explain this man's unique place in basketball lore.
It seems that our high-fallutin' neighbor to the north, Big D, is begining to reap what is has sown. For too long Dallas and its satellite suburbs have held the world in contempt, looking down on it as uncivilized and unworthy of its time. The oil money that gave rise to its decadence, popularized in the eponymous television drama, had corrupted the very spirit of the city. The Dallas Cowboys, long the pride of the metro area, have for decades instilled a sense of superiority in Dallasites. While the Mavs have never enjoyed that role, Mark Cuban has brought a sense of defiance, pugnacity, and attitude to the franchise which had wallowed in the depths for so long. 2007 was supposed to be the Year of Dallas. But then, white-woman fanatic Tony Romo derailed the 'Boys postseason chances with a botched snap, after enjoying a meteoric rise to stardom, which included bedding Carrie "Jesus Take the Wheel" Underwood and Jessica "Waitin' On the World to Change" Simpson. With that, the 'Boys hopes were sunk.
What Would Carrie Underwood Do?
However terrible the tragedy, Dallasites had the Mavs to fall back on. Streaking across the sky with three 13+ win streaks, the Mavs 67 game regular season and likely league MVP Nowitski seemed unstoppable. No team who had won 67 games had ever not brought home the O'Brien trophy. Things seemed in the bag. Then out of the mists of the San Francisco Bay came a determined band of warriors intent on upsetting the mighty Mavs. At the helm was the Mavs former coach who had a few bones to pick with his former boss, who owed him a small fortune in gold, and his diminutive protege, whose coaching style mirrored not his own, but a pock-faced Slav who had long been his rival.
Nellie: "Forget not my teaching, my son."
With much deference and feigned fatalism, Lord Nelson rallied his rag-tag bunch of hooligans, vandals, and felons against his old team. Leading the assault on the ground was the Baron himself. Hobbled by injuries, driven by ancient hatred, the Baron had much to prove to the world. His beard commanded the respect of all who fought against him on the battlefield.
The Baron: "I will follow the German to the Gates of Hell!"
Dallas was stunned at the thumping they received at the hands of their old master. The Grand Teuton, Dirk, was cowardly in battle, shying away from the battle and resigning himself to his fate. Mark Cuban, irritant King, was silenced by his old coach, who got the ultimate vengence: the greatest upset in the history of the NBA. Exuent, Dallas.
Cuban: "This is definitely going in my blog"
In this manner, the legend of Choke City was born.
The German: "I will avenge this loss next year by losing in the second round."
We are two ghosts from the past summoned by the Bear faithful to dwell among the living in Waco, Texas. Our charge: to defend the B until the many curses on our school have been lifted or until the Agriculturalists are defeated. We have devised BearMeat, a Baylor sports blog, to further the interests of The B and the Fightin' Baylor Bears. The two members of the BearMeat Editorial Board are:
Burnt Orange Nation: "The zany BearMeat blog is always full of good stuff. Tasked with covering a team that's not exactly dominating the major Big 12 sports any time soon, these fellas do it with class, style, and most importantly, lots of humor."
This photo, found in a Texas Tech yearbook by Disco Tech!, is the first known image of the popular usage of the term "BearMeat" in the Baylor sports context. It is a student sign made for the Tech vs. Baylor game in Lubbock in 1975. Tech did in fact eat BearMeat, as they won 33-10.
BearMeat is a satirical blog written for the purposes of humor and entertainment. The views and opinions expressed herein do not represent those of Baylor University and/or its employees and/or its students and/or alumni, or any individual or institution mentioned herein. Links to external sites do not necessarily constitute an endorsement of the views contained on those sites. This blog is not a for-profit enterprise. It is written and maintained by three amateur satirists seeking to lampoon subjects in the public square.