Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Building On a Near Win

It appears from this Team Report on Fox Sports that our near win (known commonly as a loss) against UT in the Big 12 tournament is something to build on. Playing a good, but not great team well for 30 minutes and then falling apart at the end is something to build on? To paraphrase the good prophet, Baylor Men's basketball team is suffering from the soft racism of low expectations. This is college basketball. On any given day any inferior conference opponent can beat a better team. That's not anything to build on, the thought that it would be is shameful. It appears this is based on a Drew quote where he basically said I hope this defeat leaves a bad taste in our mouths and we'll be a year wiser when we play UT next season.

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It's impossible to be successful with a young team.

Baylor has lost to UT 19th straight times. How many times do you need to lose to a team to learn that you don't want to lose to them again in the future? Why is it that the B's players need to learn from losing, while other young teams learn from winning? Florida won it all last year with 4 starting sophomores. UT, the team we need to learn about beating, had four freshmen and a sophomore starting. In the current landscape of college basketball, Baylor isn't too young to be successful, in fact the best programs consistently lose their best players after a year or two. Their success or lack thereof has nothing to do with their age. More than likely all our starters next season will be at least halfway through their college career. Drew can no longer mention age having anything to do with a win or loss. If he persists with this argument we will be forced to say he was and continues to be too young to be a successful Big 12 head coach.

NoZe Presents Ass to Baylor Chaplain

The NoZe Brotherhood, in an effort to highlight the tragedy of Byron Weathersbee, beloved university chaplain, leaving Baylor (due to poor administrative decisions), presented him with a donkey at Chapel. The donkey may have been a) his replacement; b) a chance for Byron to say "Kiss My Ass" to The B; or c) the head of the chaplain search committee that passed over Byron. Well played prank, to be sure. Source: Turdpolishers.com.


Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Emu Testing the NBA Waters

I spoke too soon, Aaron Bruce has declared for the NBA draft. Unfortunately for us he has cast a wide net and will be willing to leave us if he would fall anywhere in the first round (they get guaranteed contracts). This is a great year for someone with Bruce's skill set to jump into the fray because only a few notable underclassmen having declared for the draft: Oden, Durant, Conley, Noah, Brewer, Horford, Green, Hibbert, B. Wright, J. Wright, Hawes, N. Young, T. Young, McRoberts, Afflalo, Davis, and a host of others to go along with a few seniors and the usual bushel full of internationals. If he stays in the draft and leaves us, this will devastate our 1oo year plan of solitude to rebuild our program. Remember year five was scheduled to be the "Year of the One Conference Road Win". Without The Emu this will delay that goal another three years and turn the 2007-08 season into the less inspiring, "Year of the Consecutive Made Free Throws". Here's an untimely Bruce interview.

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Friday, April 20, 2007

It Had to End Sometime

The softball team lost two games this week to the Sooners for their first losses of the season. They had a good run (2nd in conference) and still have plenty of opportunities to keep the wins flowing this year. The baseball team continues to hold steady at eighth. I'm glad that women are representing Baylor well this season because men's basketball, football, and baseball are all been a bitter disappoint. Not only have we lost, but we didn't even have a big upset to get excited about for an entire academic year. I thank the men's and women's tennis teams for both being first in conference, but unfortunately I know nothing about tennis (not that it stops me on any other subject) and can't fully appreciate their accomplishments. Track also continues to delight. Once their season ends and the softball team wins a title I'm looking forward to a great Baylor athletic tradition, the offseason.

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Alien or old human? Coach or Player?

This will allow me the opportunity to devote all my free time to the real dilemma currently facing the state of Texas, the NBA playoffs. The theme of this playoffs is from the classic film franchise (The tv show was but a pale reflection) The Highlander, "There can only be one".

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Hanging at the RiverWalk.

Houston, aka Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez (Sean Connery) is the former champion attempting to regain lost glory. San Antonio, aka Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) could be the one, but we need a tv show spinoff. Enter Dallas, aka Duncan MacLeod (Adrian Paul) and a chance to squeeze out just enough episodes for syndication.

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Only shops at the Galleria.

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An Intern Asks: The Interview

Q: Dear BearMeat Editorial Board, would you please describe the interview process by which interns are evaluated for the customary 2.5 year internship? Thanks, Prospective Intern Al Gonzales, Attorney General Emeritus.

A: Dear Future Mexican Intern, This instructional video was made by the Editorial Board in order to familiarize applicants with the process. It is basically a one-minute clip of how the interview should function ideally. Enjoy!



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Monday, April 16, 2007

I Was Sure The Suspension Would Change Everything

I don't know a lot about Minnesota. I know it can get cold and maybe they don't get the NFL memos and the news as quickly was we do down here, but I'm sure this isn't what Roger Goodell had in mind when he sent a "message' to the players when he suspended Pacman for the entire upcoming season. I'm surprised that less than a week later, another NFL player and Big 12er, would end up getting arrested at a club at night. Didn't the Commissioner's letter emphasis that players shouldn't be out late at night where something could go wrong? I think this whole year has really opened up a lot of eyes. Until now we had no idea that a bunch of twenty-something, testosterone riddled, wealthy males were out at clubs, sometimes nudie bars, drinking heavily and making poor decisions in the middle of the night. I for one thought this kind of thing only happened in College Station.

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What could have been? Such lost potential. All we'll ever know of the Playmaker's career is 12 Hall of Fame years.

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Maybe After Guy-Mo Retires We Can Get This Guy

I realize this is probably old news to most diehard Baylor fans, all seven of you, but the Kevin Steele stuff I've been looking at is captivating. If you take Baylor off his resume, he has great credentials. He is a top notch recruiter. He did such a great job on Bowden's staff that he was the heir apparent until FSU's recent struggles. Throw all that in with stints at Nebraska and with the Carolina Panthers, plus becoming the Defensive Coordinator at Alabama and you have a blue chip pedigree. I think 'Bama will provide me hours of entertainment next season as BearMeat slowly transitions to TideMeat.

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All 'Bama issued pants come with written instructions.

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Friday, April 13, 2007

Where is Kevin Steele? Better Off Than Us

You could only assume after stringing together four of the worst seasons in college football history (9-36 and we were lucky to have that many wins) that Kevin Steele would have taken his money and moved close to the beach. However, and I am sure BearMeat is at least 6 years late on this story, he continued coaching and is now the defensive coordinator at Alabama under Nick Saban. That 's pretty plush job. If Saban turns around Alabama, and he probably will, Coach Steele might be in line for another head coaching gig. It is possible the stink of the Baylor experience will not allow him to ever be a head coach again, even if he was inclined to pursue that burden, but it could happen. I, for one, would love to see him be a head coach at another program. I'd love to have some sort of test to see if Steele was really as bad at his job as his record indicated. Maybe after an additional decade of coaching he is better equipped to handle the job. I guess I have a soft spot for Steele, it is located in my head.

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After being fired at Baylor, Steele has had to suffer through jobs at FSU and 'Bama.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

BearMeat Responds to Pleas for More Baylor Sports Coverage by Ignoring It and Providing More Pacman Jones

In the spirit of fairness and because I only have five minutes before I need to start baking for my Antioch Lifegroup meeting tonight, here's another viewpoint on the Pacman situation.

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

BuseyCountry: In Search of the American Dream or the Poorman's Fear and Loathing in L.V., Part 2

The Betrayal
Dawn came quickly. I rolled over away from the sun, jostling the dozens of beer cans littered throughout the bed and began to formulate my plans for the day. I needed to find out where the event was and when it started. I continued rolling and labored to reach the edge of my bed and briefly looked at the small cot holding Red and Pat's sleeping, intertwined bodies. I reached out for the cooler and rummaged around to find my morning Dr. Pepper. Alas, none was to be found. I panicked: had I not given my manservant/intern explicit orders that my morning cooler was to be fully stocked with Tequiza, Chill, limes and most importantly pure sugar cane Dr. Pepper purchased directly from the museum? Ace Wallabee, our Aussie intern would not be spared the rod upon my return to Waco. This dire situation forced me to spring into action. I grabbed my wifebeater and pulled it down far enough to cover everything but my tip and taint. I opened the door and strode out to find a Dr. Pepper. Before I even got to ask myself if Dr. Pepper was legal in Oklahoma I came upon this horrific image.

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This must be what the God-fearing felt seeing the the Mapplethorpe exhibit.

At first, I wanted to believe that this was some type of sick and twisted vandalism. Perhaps an Okie Agric had defaced half of Baylor's Lord's Supper to gain a psychological edge over us of the field of combat. However, after inspecting the fine craftsmenship and realizing that the image was a part of the machine, I realized we had been betrayed. Dr. Pepper had made us a cuckold.
I become sick at the idea of a Dr. Pepper vending machine in College Station colored maroon with a collie fornicating with the good Doctor. What Big 12 school had not tasted her sweet nectar and cool skin? Grief stricken and angry, I could barely gulp down my obligatory 48 ounces of Dr. Pepper. Nothing could redeem this trip.

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Isn't this the guy from the "Mustache Rides .25 ยข" t-shirts?

Just then I heard a voice. It was a deep, reverberating voice that seemed to be shot out of a cannon. "He's mad that trusts in the tameness of a wolf, a horse's health, a boy's love, or a whore's oath." I knew that voice quoting King Lear anywhere. It was my dearest friend and true reason for the trip, Archimedes. I turned and he was bounding down the hallway to me at full gallop. He knocked me over and proceeded to lick my face. "It has been too long old friend." I rubbed his belly and he methodically shook his leg. I asked, "What are you doing up so early?" Archimedes told me that he had yet to go to sleep, that he had been involved in a high stakes Hold 'Em game for three days and had not sleep since Tuesday. During his down time during the Hold 'Em break he would hit the casinos. I realized this was the event the Stillwater Gazette wanted me to cover.

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Archimedes during the 2005 World Series of Poker.

Before I proceed, allow me to digress a bit. If you are puzzled, I'll explain. See Archimedes is, if you must classify, a dog, but you would never call him that to his face. He would prefer Manine. We were friends from the moment we met. I discovered him being held captive by Robinson's Klan Grand Wizard. He pleaded with me to help him. I arranged a head to head Hold 'Em game for him to play for his freedom. The Wizard laughed at the notion, but allowed the game to happen. After Archimedes beat him soundly within an hour, the Grand Wizard reneged on his promise and attempted to put him back in a cell. Archimedes swore he would die before bending his knee. He and I with the assistance of several grenade launchers and .22s fought our way out of the Klan den. We remained unscathed except for Archimedes receiving a single shot to his leg that never healed properly. The hitch in his walk made his gait more noble, made his stride appear deliberate and powerful not slow, ala John Wayne.

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Nibbles, Archimedes' favorite character actor.

I discovered that Archimedes had 22 brothers and sisters. That he grew up in a bad part of Waco and from his earliest days roamed around in a pack of troublemakers. However, there was something different about him. One day, in hot pursuit of a squirrel named Betty, his first romantic interest, he happened upon Baylor's campus. He was struck by the serenity of the academic environment and surreptitiously listened in on his first class, a contemporary American Literature course. He was hooked. He started distancing himself from his old friends and enrolled in the university. He received at Baylor, a P.h.D. in English, a J.D., and a Master of Divinity to go along with his B.S. in Chemistry and Philosophy. The second he finished his most recent degree he took his savings and became a successful professional gambler.

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His first two lovers, Betty and Ruby.

When we first became friends I remember innocently making a comment about his not having a soul. Before I finished the thought, Archimedes grasped my neck in his large mouth. He stated, "If I have no soul, there can be no repercussions for me killing you right now." I conceded his point and he released me, much the wiser. We also had similar taste in women, but his taste were more exotic than mine. He in addition to dating a Miss Texas, had been involved with a chicken named Penelope, dozens of cats, several bird varieties, and numerous water fowl. He also indulged in the occasional dog. He despised most of his species, but had weaknesses when it came to Goldens, Labs, and Beagles.

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Although good friends, Archimedes once forced Spud to bite his own foot.

I explained to Archimedes that I was here to cover his poker game and that Red and Pat were with me also. Archimedes and Red had been at odds since Archimedes had won the affection of our Bama intern, Dorothy. He told me the game didn't start midnight so we had 17 hours of drinking to go. As we walked back to my room he explained there was a bar we could go to at 7am. Suddenly Stillwater seemed more like heaven than a land cursed by God. I dressed in my widest pinstripe suit and began throwing Lonestar bottles at my fellow editors. "We are wasting precious drinking time my friends. Arise to met the day." Pat and Red arose and greeted Archimedes, and after I had passed out the Dr. Peppers, we had a few tequila shots and headed for the bars.

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Due to budget constraints, Archimedes and Joe's
billboard did not include blackface.


Look for the third part of this two-part series soon.

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Colorado Really Does Suck

Worse than Colorado...
Looks like Baylor ended up near the bottom of another list. This Top Hoops and Helmet rankings has us pulling in at 99 out of the 119 schools that have Division 1 Football and Men's basketball. The only BCS school that manages a lower ranking is the current roadkill member of the Big 12, Colorado. The next BCS school on the list is Stanford at 81. That makes me feel slightly better.

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A walk-on showing his stuff during a Spring Football Drill.

NFL Cleaned Up Overnight
A few words on the NFL. It seems, based on every article I've read, that everyone is applauding the decision to suspend Adam "Pacman" Jones for an entire season. I even read an article by a real sports reporter, which I can't find now, but will link to when I do, that former Commissioner Tagliabue, as an attorney, was too concerned about due process. That's the type of ridiculousness you usually only find on a blog. I guess that cornerstone of justice in the US is too much of an impediment to arbitrary and capricious decision making. Pacman deserved a suspension, no doubt about it. But a whole year? I don't think so. I mean isn't this the same league that only suspended Shawn Merriman for four games for juicing up. Many NFL types were arguing he still deserved the NFL Defensive Player of the Year award. Doesn't that hurt the image of the league and wouldn't cheating, using steroids, damage the integrity of the NFL?

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I thought everyone injected vitamin C into their tear ducts.

Pacman is an idiot. He really is, but he hasn't been convicted of anything, yet. I can see the argument for nailing him for not reporting the one incident in Georgia, but the other stuff that was known, I'd like there to be real legal action taken before suspending someone for an entire season. Does this mean Tank Johnson, convicted and currently sitting in jail, will get a career suspension? Not likely. I do not believe this will do anything to change the bad actors in the NFL. It may make owners/GMs/coaches more hesitant to draft certain players, but if they are talented enough, even if they fall in the draft, they will still end up on an NFL roster.

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Around the Quad: In an Old School Sid Richardson Style

mood: randy
currently listening to: Conway Twitty "Slow Hand"
tonight's outlook: Rebel Yell, lettuce wraps, loincloth workshop

Hey y'all! Welcome back to my second ever Around the Quad! LET'S GO BEARS!!!

1. Baylor thoughts: Like, OMG!! Did the B purposely build the Sid Richardson and Marrs McLean buildings to face off against each other? It's as if they had their pistols ready to whip out and fire across the Fountain Mall. Nah! I'm sure these boys were just some saucy Texas oilmen ready to show off each others massive oil derricks. You go Baylor! These men secretly loved each other and you gave them the opportunity to longingly gaze across the grassy meadow.

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You make the call: Sid "MeatFist" Richardson or Marrs "ManHammer" McLean?


2. The Downer: On a more serious note, we here at BearMeat would like to remind our readership of the valuable information one can learn from the golden waves of the internet. This document is long, but I must add: do not let this minor hindrance get in your way. Please read the Baylor University Public Infractions Report if you have not done so yet. Also, apparently lawyers, their apprentices and ilk of the legal variety have be known to frequent BearMeat and its sister site GayPimp.com. I have but one question for you concerning this report. What does this word "Infractions" mean? Thank you.

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You make the call: Dave Bliss or a typical night out after the Dixie Chicken?


3. The Upper: [cue "Yakety Sax" aka the Benny Hill Song]

GuyMo sez on 4/10/07:

I don't know what we did over the four-day break or if they are confused, but today wasn't good enough offensively."


I don't know if he (Bears' offensive coordinator Lee Hays) has settled on three (quarterbacks) yet or not," Morriss said. "It depends on what day of the week it is which three step up. I would imagine in his mind he probably has a top three in mind."


I'd like to see some consistency and a little more energy from our offensive football team (the rest of the week)"


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We'll make the call: Guy Morriss.


Ah, the last week of spring football practice. Don't forget the 2007 Dodge Spring Football Game on April 14th!

Sic 'em!!!!

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Around the Quad: Turmoil in the Big 12

1. Bears NBA bound? As the day to declare for the NBA draft slowly creeps up, Baylor fans everywhere have been holding their collective breath wanting to know the intentions of our non-Senior players. So far, the players have been reluctant to go on record with their decisions. The rumor, although unverified at this time, is one high profile Bear may be considering the jump to the CBA or at least to Kansas.

2. The Brain Drain. The Bears prospects in 2007-08 are looking better and better. It looks like Gillispie and Huggins will be replaced by Turgeon and Martin. Time will only tell if these were good moves, but I can say I'd rather be going up against the new group than the old. This may finally be the historic season where we go 8-8 in conference.

3. The Talent Drain. Not only are talented coaches making their exit, but the NBAers are starting to wave adieu to cafeteria meals and hello to personal chefs. It appears that the siren song of Commissioner Stern finally seduced Durant to join the Celtics. Wright is also out the door. It seems that the top end talent leaving the Big 12 can only help the B.

4. Baylor Educates at Texas Relays. Weather was uncooperative for most of the weekend, but the B made its presence felt. The women's 4x800 team set a school record and the B had a strong showing in the sprint medley. Unfortunately weather forced them to pull out of the final day events and they were unable to display their skill in some of their strongest events. The team still was able to make their appearance at several 6th street establishments and took home the top prize at the Dizzy Rooster's Chug-A-Lug Relay.

5. Softball Continues to Roll. The softball team is ranked 11th in the country and although they trail both the Agrics and Okies in the poll, in their only game so far against them, the Bears were victorious over the Agrics in College Station. Senior first basemen Ashley Monceaux was named a finalist for the player of the year award. This season Monceaux's long balls have forced Baylor to turn on their air raid siren during games and rope off University Parks Drive, as well as send everyone on campus to the basements. Although the ensuing property damage is considerable, the new bunker mentality at the University has made everyone grow closer.


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Will we ever know peace again?

Around the Rod: My Departed Coach is Better than Yours

[I think this is how President Andrews does this. Brackets with an italics format. Is this right Judge? Hey Judge! Is this the right brackets? Judge! Dammit...where the eff is the President when you need something done? I honestly don't understand this. I am just the Emperor Editor of this simple blog...BearMeat.

Is that right? BearMeat? Judge! Who the eff named this freaking blog BearMeat?!? It screams homoeroticism! Where the hell is the President??

Aww, Judge, we are screwed. Our overhead is way too high right now for the President to take that red-headed intern to Wichita. I wake up and our billable hours are fleeting away along with my palm leaves and medjool dates. I can't have my strong armed women waving pecan leaves, Judge! I don't get fed native sweets, Judge!

Gawd Bless! I hate working on this BearTrap!

Ok...here's some news? Judge! Why does President Andrews call it "Around the Rod?" What's the deal with his blatant sexual slant? Freakin' liberal!!]

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1. Drew is still our coach! Although you may have heard differently from the pundits over at TurdPolishers.com, Scott "Ellis Island" Drew is still the second highest paid basketball coach at the B. And honestly...the Quartermaster over at Marrs McLean Gym probably should make a little more than Drew. But I got to hand it to Drew. He could probably recruit my foreskin to become a moderator at TurdPolishers.com.

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Coach Drew's recruiting and defensive tactics all wrapped up in one tidy photo.


2. Meanwhile...the Big XII just got easier! Lots of people leaving our fair conference. BCG is out to take his Agric grazing on some bluegrass. The Jayhawk's Julian Wright looks to follow in the steps of Scott Pollard by promoting drug awareness, money and children. Just a simple day in the life of the Association. Maybe KU can double the pot by throwing in Brandon Rush. Huggins is out...hopefully the All-American K-State Kidz can take a sabbatical and then a Sebastian Telfair route out of Little Manhattan.

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3. Meanwhile...the Big XII just got a lot easier!!! Moscow's own Kevin "El Salvador" "Durex" "Marigold" "The Godzilla of Scrilla" Durant is bound for glory. At least that's what my sources say. No, really, I just wanted to say that I have sources. The fate of Communism shall be known at 4pm today. May he buy all the candy in the world now. Really, what's up with this kid? He's going to be in the NBA! Those groupies will eat him up. He'll have three to four children before next years All-Star break!

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Mark my words: "Durex" Durant in 2 months time.


4. Meanwhile...the Big XII just got a whole lot more sober! With Huggins and BCG gone, and last years departure of the elder Sutton, we've lost our hardest drinking coaches. Oh wait. We still got Bobby "Rudolph" Knight. I miss the days of Larry Eustachy.

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Introducing your AP National Coach of the Year for 2000!


5. Texas weather sucks! Yeah, I am pretty sure the whole nation experienced this, save the beautiful places where the beautiful people live, but the weather made things difficult for the B this past weekend. From the Texas Relays to Softball to Golf to Equestrian...oh wait, sorry. I am boring you. Right?

Sic 'em.

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Sunday, April 08, 2007

Reflecting on Rabbits

I'd hate to use this Easter to think of something to write. I'll let YouTube do my work for me yet again.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Ombudsman Demands More Religion Coverage

BearMeat is constantly trying to balance the sacred and profane. As King Editor, I often find myself confronted by our Ombudsman over the lack of religious content on our Baylor sports/whatever strikes our fancy site. Her pleas have not gone unheard. The following is more or less a lesson I received in my Old Testament class.

In Honor of Our First President

Being a founding father of Baylor has made particularly interested in the deeds of America's Founding Fathers and Mothers. I present this clip in honor of all that came before us and our new found friendship with Colonial Hoops.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Scott Drew: Not Going Anywhere

It's so nice to not have to worry about the coaching carousel impacting the B directly. Drew's name has not been mentioned as a potential candidate for the Kentucky, Michigan, Arkansas or West Virginia jobs. What a relief.

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Drew during his annual fishing trip always scheduled to
take place during the final two rounds of the Big 12 tournament.


On the other hand the Agrics have a very different situation. Billy Boy has gone and left you. Even after tripling his salary and Kentucky having to settle for him after Donovan and Barnes said no, he jumped at the opportunity to get out of College Station or if you prefer go to Lexington. Although this is a dark day in Agric history (which means it is a very bright day for 11 Big 12 teams) I'm sure they can fall back to their winning basketball tradition and get another top of the line coach to take over. Maybe they'll make a move on Drew.

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You have to admit the blue looks a lot better than the maroon.

In other Big 12 coaching news, Bob Huggins is heading to West Virginia after a lifetime at KSU. Well technically one year, but I'm sure that a year in Manhattan, Kansas feels like a century.
I'm sure all the guys he convinced to come play for him understand that college basketball is a very lucrative business for schools, coaches, television and players, well maybe not players but everyone else.

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Part of his punishment for leaving KSU after
a year is having to wear those pants until 2008.


I think if a kid commits to play at school and that coach leaves they should be able to transfer without having to sit out a year, just like a coach jumping around. At the end of the day, this will reduce the quality of basketball in the Big 12, but that can only help Baylor so I'll embrace it. Thanks Billy and Bob, we owe you a debt of gratitude.

Lest Us Not Forget Lord Robert B. Sloan, Jr.

Greetings fellow Bear Soldiers. Emperor Editor Pat Neffistopheles, here! I have good news for the burgeoning Texas college sports scene. It seems as though our glorious and past President Sloan has another vision. As of April 4th, 2007, the free-wheelin' leader of Houston Baptist University, aka Baylor on the Bayou, has announced a formal declaration for HBU's application to rejoin NCAA Divison I athletics. Sloany, you have done it again! What vision must one have to be able to make the jump from NAIA to full fledged Division I athletics. Swab my inner thighs with sesame oil if you haven't heard this quote before...

First and foremost this will help us build a stronger campus atmosphere. We are already experiencing a unique time in the life of HBU with the development of new academic and student life programs, and an anticipated growth in enrollment. Athletics is an integral component of the college experience and competition at this level is consistent with our desire to reach a higher standard of excellence in every aspect of University life.


So...why did we get rid of him again?

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"Vengeance is a bitch, Bears."

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"You Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello"

Rejoice, sons of Baylor! Praise be to Mulk! Sing glory to her name, oh you daughters of The B. For our dear Mulk has signed a 10-year contract extension reportedly worth $1 mil/year, which would make her salary greater than all the Big12 women's coaches and a majority of the men's basketball coaches in the Big12. Her loyalty is beyond question. Turning down the LSU job will ensure her place in the pantheon of Baylor luminaries among Grant Teaff, Michael Johnson, Sophia Young, Clyde Hart and others. Thank you, Kim Mulkey, for sticking with our school. We will never question your motives again. Thank you.


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Loyalty. Strength. Honor. Mulkey.




In related news, coaching vagabond Billy C. Gillispie, a native Texan, turned down a $2 mil/year offer from Texas A&M to take the coveted University of Kentucky job, which guarantees him three (3) nights a year with Ashley Judd. While we are tempted to sympathize with the Ags, especially since BCG transformed their school in three short years, we cannot help but think that when you play with fire you get burned. BCG has all the traits of Larry Brown, Rick Pitino, and all the other journeyman coaches. He turned down being the King of College Station to be yet another disappointment at UK. Farwell, Mr. Gillispie, we wish you all the best. If you need a good assistant coach, who is an excellent recruiter, Scott Drew is #10 on Iowa's list of possible replacements, which proves he's an excellent coach.

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"Life Ain't Nothin' But Bitches & Money."

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Another Year, Another First Round Pick

For the second year in a row the B had a player selected in the first round of the WNBA draft. Bernice Mosby is headed to the Mystics of D.C., where she plans on fine tuning her inside game and perfecting her palm reading. Best of luck Bernice, I only regret we only had you for a year, but you will always be a Bear. Sic 'Em.

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Number 22 praising Bernice.

Around the Quad: Warrants Issued

Dear Readers,

We at the BearMeat Editorial Board love you so dearly. Whether you have bookmarked us, found us on your University of Houston message board, or just searched "kim mulkey divorce" in Google, we are happy that you are here and reading our humble blog. Part of our duties here are to report bizarre happenings and provide news analysis for our conscientious readers. So if you aren't too hungover from last night's Tennessee win over Rutgers, or aren't busy snorting your father's ashes, then we hope you enjoy the news from Around the Quad.

Sincerely,

Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat


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Billy Jo: "No murder rap is gonna stop my album release tour"

1. Say it ain't so, Billy Jo! Billy Jo Shaver was arrested and jailed, then released on bond, for the non-fatal shooting of a fellow patron at Papa Jo's bar in Lorena. The patron he shot was wounded in the cheek and was carrying a bogus BearMeat "This card entitles the bearer to 3 free drinks" gift certificate. Sadly, the victim was a disgruntled intern from our embattled Brazos Living department. After his arrest, Shaver played an album release/jail release show at Waterloo Records in Austin. What a badass. Thanks to WacoTrib.com and News 6.





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Mills: "I promise I'll pay BearMeat back all the money it donated for the downtown Whiskey District I promised them."


2. Maragaret Mills Still Owes Us Money
. Former director of Downtown Waco Maragaret Mills was arrested and charged with embezzlement of hundreds of thousands of dollars. We applaud the great job she's done with the revitalization of downtown Waco and hope that the criminal justice system resolves this controversy in a fair and just manner.




3. Baylor Baseball Team Has Awesome Names. Finally venturing out to the Baylor Ballpark last night to watch the Bears decimate old SWC foes the Houston Cougars, I noticed that the Baylor baseball team has the greatest names I've ever seen. They barely need nicknames. Here is the roster. Beamer Weems? Ben Booker? Shaver Hansen? Gregg Glime? Chase Gerdes? Seth "Banana" Hammock? Who cares if we win or lose this year, I just want to hear the PA guy announce, "Now batting for your Bears, Seth "The Banana" Hammock (cue Harry Belafonte's "Day-O" at the part where he says "Come mister tally man, tally me banana"). Gold.

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Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Old Mulk Wins Again

Pat Summitt won it all for the seventh time tonight. She is still contributing to her legendary stature. Rutgers, you made a great run. Congrats. This has truly has been the year of the Scarlet Knights, who made it to the championship game and showed terrible football programs can get better.

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Mulk circa 2020.

Also in other women's hoops news, UT has replaced their own legendary coach with Duke coach Gail Goestenkors. Although this will make the Big 12 even harder to win, at least it hurt Duke. It's not all bad. Welcome Koors.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Hot 'lanta about to be Inseminated by Gators

Joakim Noah in his post-game comments told the world they were about to do it right and nobody but his Gainesville boys knows what he is talking about. I have a guess, I'm thinking it has a lot to do with coeds, thongs, and navel shots. I didn't want to pull for Noah or Florida's title quest, but for some inexplicable reason I did. He seems to legitimately have fun when he is playing. All hail the Sun Belt, the Rust Belt is vanquished.

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Noah's dad believes in the power of pilates.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

BuseyCountry: In Search of the American Dream or the Poorman's Fear and Loathing in L.V., Part 1

The Scene is Set
The PopeMobile settled into a solid cruising speed of 35 mph. Pat's unsteady hands and fear of medians forced us to drive down the center of I-35 on the way to Stillwater. Traffic was backed up for miles and when the occasional car managed to drive past us it was usually accompanied by the spewing of obscenities I hadn't heard since working the mop at my mom's brothel in Seguin. Red was sitting in the back mixing a 3-liter Dr. Pepper bottle with a fifth of Rebel Yell and some paint thinner to smooth it out. I was assigned to navigate, but instead of using the morning hours to figure out where Stillwater was, I made 300 hundred Absinthe Jell-O shots. Unfortunately, our departure was delayed an hour and in that time I had consumed all but two of the shots.

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Stillwater's City Hall.
I knew the Absinthe was taking hold because as we crossed the Texas border into the pit of despair known as Oklahoma I was seeing things that couldn't be. The Earth was turning red, suddenly every stop along the highway advertised gambling , and I could see Kansas. Pat suddenly screamed and demanded I tell him where we were going and to let go of the steering wheel. Red asked if it was two parts paint thinner to one apart Rebel Yell or the other way around. I said, "Stop with the questions sorcerer, you know there is no answer to that question, who could possibly tell the difference between the two." I told them BearMeat has been nominated for an award by the Oklahoma City Chamber of Commerce and there was the possibility of considerable remuneration. This was a lie.

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We paid our interns exclusively in beads until 2002.
Our true destination was Stillwater, aka BuseyCountry. Twenty-four hours earlier I had received a text message from my OSU connection informing me a hotel room, $15 dollar per diem and all the 3.2% beer we could drink awaited us if we would cover an event for the Stillwater Gazette. I knew the boys would never agree to leave the state for anything less than our standard 12 person readership so I had to make up the Chamber of Commerce reason. For now that was all Red and Pat needed to know. I had emptied the petty cash vault and told the Ombudsman that we had nominated a Oklahoman for the first ever Meatie.

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Oklahoma's stoutest beer.
I knew that Stillwater was a right off I-35 and I just had to decide when to tell Pat to turn the lumbering beast towards OSU. I had made the tactical mistake of telling the gentleman that OKC was our destination. I knew enough to realize that we had to go through OKC to get to Stillwater and this would raise suspicion among the troops. I decided to exit I-35 right before Norman and snake our way to our true destination. Pat, although driving, could see very little between the mounted bear cub he had on his lap that was to be presented to our hosts and an array of Kalashnikov rifles we always traveled with when on safari. Besides that we had loaded the car with gas, we'd heard that Oklahoma gas was also 3.2%, and instead of containers had just filled the floorboard with fuel. Our shoes and socks were soaked and Red's smoking out of our porthole was worrisome.

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Judge, Pat and Red shown smoking over-the-counter Oklahoma Peyote.
The backroads added six hours to the drive, so we pulled into Stillwater under the cover of night and Red vowing to kill Pat in his sleep. I explained to my compatriots that we were staying outside of OKC to avoid the distraction of groupies and the hustle bustle of the big city. We pulled the PopeMobile up to the entrance of the Atherton, which was difficult since concrete barriers nearly took off our bumper. After honking our horn for no less than 30 minutes a valet appeared and threatened to call the police. We exited the vehicle and tossed him the keys. He told us something about being the night security guard. We told him he was doing an excellent job and to bring our sacks up directly.

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Our den of iniquity.
The lobby was deserted, other than the young man and woman working behind the counter. I asked them to join us in the hot tub when they got off. There was some sort of error because we only had a single room and everything else was full. Once we found our room we discovered we only had a single double bed and a cot. I like a muskrat in heat sprayed the bed with my scent and forced Pat and Red to share the cot. Exhausted and delirious we quickly fell asleep to the soothing rustle of the airconditioner set to 15 degrees and the whistle of air through the open windows and Red's gaping mouth. Day one was finished; Saturday's festivities will follow.

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Florida vs Ohio State: Deja vu, Zeitgeist, or Apocalypse?

[We couldn't think of any other pretentious big words for the title. If you can think of a few, suggest them in our comments section, and our interns will gladly send you a thank-you note on official BearMeat stationary. - Eds.]


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Gator vs Buckeye: Armageddon or Brave New World?


As Baylor fans, we have never known of the success which the University of Florida and Ohio State enjoy. To have an athletic program with national championship contenders in both men's basketball and football is a foreign concept to us. Having conference doormats in those sports is what we are accustomed to. The pinnacle of our men's basketball team was from 1948 to 1950, when the Bears made the Final Four in two out of three years, getting beat by Adolph Rupp's Kentucky and Bradley. Since then, it's been all downhill. The apex of our football team was, arguably, the 1980 Southwest Conference Champion squad, featuring Mike Singletary and coached by Grant Teaff, which went on to the Cotton Bowl and got stomped by Bear Bryant's Alabama. We have never known that level of success on the gridiron again. So, on this topic, we consider ourselves neutral observers, having no experience with dominance in either sport for the last two decades. But, then again, our curses and failures often make national headlines.


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The Gator Nation: Would Have Rescued British Sailors By Now


Florida vs Ohio State: Enter the Dragon


With Urban Meyer's triumph over the Buckeyes in this year's BCS Championship Game, Florida became the first school in NCAA Division 1 history to win a basketball and football championship in the same calendar year. With Billy Donovan's merciless Gator squad winning the Tourney last spring, Florida established itself as the premiere college sports giant in the televised, revenue-generating sports. This type of dominance is unprecedented. However, Florida's run isn't over. On Monday night, they again face off against Ohio State for what will be a chance at a third title in 365 days.


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Gov. Pat: "Is this the women's tourney?"
Red: "No, that 'big girl' is actually a dude."


With Joakim Noah & Co absolutely dominating UCLA last night (for the second straight year), Florida looks poised to bring home the first back-to-back NCAA titles since Duke's run in the early nineties. Credit not only Billy Donovan, but also uber-AD Jeremy Foley, who is in the process of trying to woo Kim Mulkey (our last, best hope) from Baylor to give UF another jewel in the crown. He is the only AD ever to preside over a football and basketball championship. We dwell in the Era of Florida: The Gator Nation is now contiguous with the lower 48. Kneel before your hegemon.

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Helmets? We don't need no stinking helmets!


Florida vs Ohio State: The Rise of the Machine


What all this portends for college sports, especially those which fans and the media pay attention to, is that behemoth schools like Florida (enrollment 50,912), Ohio State (51,818), and, to a lesser extent, Texas (49,738), can now shed the perception and the reality of being either a "basketball school" or a "football school." This is a new era in which collegiate athletic departments will attempt to compete with school's whose resources, alumni giving, and name ID far out pace their own. In an environment like this one, the ever-escalating attempt to compete with these Goliath programs will further send most athletic departments into financial insolvency. On their website, Florida admits that 70% of D1 schools are losing money on their sports programs. Losing money!?! That is a fascinating stat, when you consider that schools usually shell out a ridiculous amount of cash to compete with schools twice their size. In Baylor's case, we occupy a conference where the next smallest school, Nebraska, has 50% more undergraduate students than we do.


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"I don't like losing, coach."
"Neither do I, son. Neither do I."


While our case is unique (the only private school in a conference full of flagship state universities), the point is that Nebraska and Oklahoma State, with enrollments in the low twenties, must compete with Texas and Texas A&M, with enrollments more than double that. While they have been doing just that for years, they now find that in both their main sport and their off-sport (OSU - football, NU - basketball), teams like UT and A&M are dominating them. There is just no way the rest of the nation can compete with these juggernaut programs and keep afloat financially.


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VY: "Disney World Pales in Comparison to Rome-on-the-Colorado"


Florida vs Ohio State: Voter Intimidation, Recounts, and Eight Years of War


One of the strangest aspects of the Ohio State-Florida rematch for the national title is not that the same two schools have never played in the national title games in both basketball and football in the same year (that is plenty strange, though, and goes to proving my resources = dominance theory), but that the two states whose interests the schools serve by educating their citizenry were the same states which delivered the 2000 and 2004 elections to warrior-poet and commander-in-chief, George Dubya Bush.


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Florida & Texas: Together at Last

This may be a coincidence, but win or lose on Monday night, the Decider owes a debt of gratitude to both schools and their alumni. While in Florida's case, he owes more to the Supreme Court than the actual voters, who may have elected Al Gore, Bush's illustrious presidential legacy hinged on these two states. Had either state gone blue in either election, we would be looking at the nightmare of a Gore or Kerry presidency instead of the Harry Truman 2.0 administration that we enjoy today. Thank God for voting irregularities!


Florida vs Ohio State: Suffer the Little Children


The final meaning of this historic matchup is that if a basketball coach, like That Matta, can bring in enough top recruits that would have gone pro were it not for Commissioner Stern's anti-free market 19 Year Old Rule, he can have a championship squad built in only one year's time. Fascinating. Rick Barnes also did an excellent job of capitalizing on this new rule, but didn't have quite the depth of Matta's squad. It's amazing to think that Conley and Oden are just freshman, but its also amazing to think that they're not endorsing million-dollar checks and swimming in NBA-quality poontang, instead of horny, pale, and white BuckeyeMeat. Yet, if Matta is successful, he will prove to Bobby Knight, and others, that the NBA's new rule isn't screwing over the NCAA, but just making it adapt quicker. The real challenge now, is convincing the Odens and Durants of the world, that staying another year is worth the deferred compensation.


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Oden: "I have come not to destroy the law, but to fulfill it."



***UPDATE: ESPN's Pat Forde drops the same knowledge as Red Andrews, but sans the wit, style or pirated photos. Here is the link. We're calling you out for plaigarism, Forde. This aggression will not stand, man.***