Friday, March 30, 2007

Around the Quad: Aggies on the March

As the Good Judge begins writing his epic account of his weekend in Stillwater (BuseyCountry: Writer's Block) and Governor Pat continues to use his laptop for a beverage coaster, I, Red Andrews, the only editor who isn't gainfully employed outside of the ALICO will dutifully report on events around our dear campus.

1. A&M System Invades BearCountry. While Killeen isn't exactly Baylor territory, we like to think that Bell County, due to the presence of the University of Mary Hardin-Baylor, has historic links to Baylor University at Independence. This Youtube clip reflects the growing behemoth that is the Texas A&M System. Apparently Tarleton State is a member and a name change may be in the works. Could you imagine an A&M-Killeen or A&M-Central Texas only 40 minutes away from the sacred soil of Waco? We cannot. A&M already took over the BAYLOR College of Dentistry in Dallas. Write your congressman! We've written Chet Edwards, but since he's already an Aggie, he wrote back expressing pride in the recent acquisitions and dreamed of a day where Texas A&M - Waco students would "Gig 'em" and bitch about "Teasips" just like the real Aggies at A&M. We promptly hung up the phone and cried for two hours. Perhaps the worst part of Sloan's legacy was leading us into financial insolvency, which may one day lead to turning the BearPit into a pet relief area for Reveille. Perish the thought.





2. New Aggie Blogger. In more Aggie-obsessed news, after our rant about how the Ags have a pathetic internet presence, the 12thManChild joined the Sports Blog Nation network and vastly improved his sports coverage. Similarly, the cleverly-named Aggie Sports Blog appeared on the scene, covering the Billy C. Gillispie to Arkansas rumors with constant updates. He introduced us to this cartoonish rendition of "The Shot." Thanks to Brad at the 12thManChild for this hilarious photo of the BCG-Arkansas rumors.


3. Baylor Law School Promgate Video. For our favorite blogging law student, Swanburg, and most esteemed blogging professor, Osler, we present this clip from the BearMeat Youtube Vault of Promgate 2006: Toben Sub-leases Library.






4. BearMeat Breaking News: TAMU & Beisbol Rejects Historic Peace Accord! In a diplomatic exchange over at the literacy-challenged Ag blog, TAMU&Beisbol, AgRyan'04, the most humorless Agriculturalist on the internets, rejected BearMeat's generous cease-fire proposal. The exchange went down as follows:

A&M & Beisbol (AgRyan04):

We of the BearMeat Editorial Board suggest a truce between your blog and ours. We know you have said some disparaging things about us in the past on TexasAgs and we haven't exactly portrayed you as the most literate blogger on the internets, but let's let bygones be bygones, shall we? We'll link to your blog if you link to us. We have such a positive relationship with Brad over at 12thManChild and have just met "r" at Aggie Sports Blog, who also seems like a nice guy. If you accept us as a satirical Baylor blog, we'll accept you for who you are and what you do. What say you?

Is it peace, or another season of war?

Email at president.andrews@gmail.com

Sic 'em,

Red Andrews
Senior Editor & Aggie Liaison, BearMeat
Red Andrews | Homepage | 03.26.07 - 3:13 pm | #

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Only if you can promise that the rest of your brethern stop acting like high schoolers when they're in college.

If not, eh.

Good luck with that.
AgRyan04 | Homepage | 03.28.07 - 8:10 pm | #

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Sir, we take your counteroffer as a rejection of our original offer. The deal is off. We are forever enemies.
Red Andrews | Homepage | 03.30.07 - 10:17 am | #

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Is It Football Season Yet? On Second Thought How's Track Doing?

After the Bears lost last week I was thrown into a pit of despair. Nothing, not even a round of my favorite game, " Two She Bears Attacking the Defenseless, Virginal Judge Baylor" could get me out of my funk.

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These sister interns, Debbie and Lexus, have been Honorable Mention All-BearMeat since their freshman year.

I felt that the only thing that would break the cycle of self-loathing and misdirected anger would be to leave Waco City Limits. I haven't left Waco since I took the train to Temple to attend an octogenarian plus rally for Barry Goldwater's presidential campaign. I will always love his ad that showed a little girl picking a daisy and then being destroyed by a mushroom cloud. I agreed with Goldwater, that girl was soft on Communism. I'm still not sure how he lost. Temple would not be enough this time, I needed to go international. I loaded up the pope mobile I bought on layaway last year and headed for Stillwater, Oklahoma. I'll give more details as the weekend unfolds.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

BuseyCountry: Drunk, Horny & Broke in Stillwater

[This past weekend the BearMeat Editorial Board sojourned deep into the heart of Oklahoma as we embarked on the inauguaral BearMeat Big12 Campus Tour (to be completed when Drew rebuilds the men's team, or six years from now, whichever comes first). How we ended up there and what we did there are points of contention among the Editorial Board. What we do agree on is that we spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday in Stillwater, Oklahoma, aka BuseyCountry Each member of the BearMeat Editorial Board has agreed to give their account of the weekend's events. What follows is Red Andrews's account.]


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Suttonz: The Pride & The Shame of Stillwater, OK

Friday, March 23, 2007

Pat, the Judge and I took the Greyhound to Stillwater to save on our hard-earned cash. Money has been tight around BearMeat ever since our interns found the crystal meth we had locked up in a U-Haul storage unit and sold it to Jerry Hill for a tidy profit. Since then, we've been living paw-to-mouth, as they say. Regardless, we stepped off the greyhound, after a 20-hour, whiskey-addled voyage punctuated by many conversations about national socialism and the designated hitter rule. Upon arrival, we were informed that Oklahoma A&M (now Okie State) was on Spring Break and that only the burnt-out townies and debauched scholarship students were in town. Gov Pat immediately attempted to impregnate every LadyPoke he could find, but to no avail: they demanded at least ten (10) units of their beloved 3.2% alc/vol Okie Beer, especially Choc & Boulevard (from KC) before considering sleeping with a ghost from Texas. Long story short, we ended up spending that night sleeping on the roof of Eskimo Joe's, accompanied by three geology major's from Pakistan. While they seemed nice enough, they kept referring to Boone Pickens as Slim Pickens and complained about how LadyPokes weren't accustomed to dating men of their intelligence. While the entire evening was spent squandering our currency at Confederate themed Stonewall, we were appalled to learn that they didn't take genuine C.S.A. legal tender, and would only take Union money. The shame!


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BooneTangin': When Money Will Buy You Anything (from the BearMeat Glossary)


Saturday, March 24, 2007


We awoke on top of Eskimo Joe's horny and needing a quick fix. Our tour guide, a young Amer-Indian undergraduate named John Jablonski, directed us toward the Atherton to find some engineers in town for a conference on lifetime learning. We found a few female engineers in their late 40s and well above the median weight for Texas women. They resembled Courtney Paris, but without the charm. Needless to say, we spent the day attempting to meet their every carnal desire. This, of course, took the rest of our funds and left us exhausted, broke and crying on Washington Street. Thankfully, J.R. Murphy's was having an "White Men Drink Free" beer promotion, so we strolled right in and had about 8 jello shots each. This began at around 4pm. At 4:15pm we decided it was time to go. We strolled outside and marched our way to Boone Pickens Stadium, where Governor Pat promptly took a dump on the field after remarking that it resembled an Arena Football League field, what with the stands so close to the field and all. The two horny Pokes in the gift shop helped satisfy our carnal urges by supplying us with a few hot dogs and a Hot Carl. They sent us on our way, back to Murphy's where we ended up the evening teaching the locals how to make the "Sic 'em" sign and cursing Sean Sutton until our voices went hoarse. Speaking of horses, the Good Judge stole one from a rancher near-by and defiled it. That's all I will say about that.


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Yale Grad and Local Boy Dubya Also Bleeds Orange


Sunday, March 25, 2007


We awoke in the Payne County jail, having violated a majority of the state's penal code, especially the parts that involve alcohol and sexuality. Thankfully, BearMeat's legal counsel, Vic Feazell, was also in Oklahoma, and "bailed us out" using some light explosives and a hell of a lot of Waco charm. We got a ride with Vic as far as OKC, where he dropped us off downtown and told us that we would soon see a rather staggeringly high legal invoice. We laughed and took a cab back to Waco using Vic's credit card. All in all, it was a great weekend, but we learned a few lessons that we wish we could remember, but the jello shots have erased those lessons from our brain.


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We Drank Pistol Pete Paralyzed

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Around the Quad: Baylor Potpouri

The BearMeat Editorial Board just got back from a weekend trip into BuseyCountry. That's right, Stillwater, Oklahoma, home of Oklahoma A&M, aka OSU. In the following week three accounts of the lost weekend will surface on these BearMeats, and our readers will have to parse out the truth from the three versions, like Rashomon or The Sound and The Fury. In the meantime, while you await our trio of stream-of-consciousness short stories, we present news from Around the Quad.

1. Michael Johnson: Beer Spokesman. Did anyone else see the Coors Light Fastest Man in the World ads yesterday? We did. Someone at Coors must think its still 1996. Anyway, its always nice to see a Baylor alum representing The B, no matter what type of publicity it is, and regardless of what particular brand of right-wing sh*twater they are selling. From the article:

Summary: Coors Light presents the Worlds Fastest Man - Michael Johnson. On a hot summer evening, Michael makes his way through his neighborhood to his local bar. Michael holds the worlds 200 and 400 meter records and manages to make his way through the neighborhood faster than people can realize. After moving this quickly, the worlds fastest man orders the worlds most refreshing beer, frost-brewed Coors Light to quench his thirst.

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Coors Light: Breakfast of Champions


2. Colonial Hoops, New Oso Amigo.
Our freak sojourn into BuseyCountry yielded a random encounter with a fellow blogger who runs a George Washington University basketball blog, Colonial Hoops. His insights on the rampant Karl Hobbs speculation will leave you breathless. Welcome aboard, Big George!



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GW Hoops: "Don't Confuse Us With Georgetown, The More Successful George-school in D.C."



3. Tourney Update.
The Good Judge's Bracket is still ahead in the Burnt Orange Nation pool, but has little chance of finishing first. The Good Judge has proved to those brutish ShortHorns that even though all we know is losing, BearMeat understands hoops. Also, it was nice to see Trailer Mulk & Big Paris miss out on going to the Final Four. Similarly, all of our regular season "rivals" (UT, A&M, OU, Tech, K-State) have gone down in flames. Sic 'em!

4. Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson. Outside of Brian Skinner, the single most successful baller from the B was Vinnie Johnson who could light up faster than a Waco crackhead, when called upon by Chuck Daly. This 9min Youtube clip will show how he earned his nickname, should you care. And speaking of NBA basketball, if you have time, check out the Wizznutzz new Kurt Rambis t-shirt. Gold.



5. Drew Shores Up the Mamadou Market. Thanks to John Werner, the Boy Wonder to Jerry Hill's Batman, of the Bear Blog, for sharing with us the ultra-BearMeat occurence of two Mamadous enjoying a Baylor baseball game together. Stoneridge Prep's Mamadou Diarra is being heavily recruited by uber-recruiter Scott Drew. It is the same high school attended by Penny Thiam, which must be some sort of Senegalese pipeline. Regardless, as long as they keep Baylor ankle-deep in Mamdous, we will never question whether they are soft on immigration or not. Also, the following quote is from Red Andrews' Big Book of Baylor Sports Jokes:

Two Mamadous walk into a bar and the bartender asks, “What can I get for you fellas?” The first Mamadou replies: “A chaste Baylor co-ed to bring back to my homeland as my Queen.” The bartender says: “Sorry, can’t help you there. How about you, other Mamadou?” The second Mamadou says: “I’ll have what my friend is having.”

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Thursday, March 22, 2007

AgricMeat: One Second! My Kingdom for One Second!

Richard III: "A Horse, a horse! My Kingdom for a horse!"
BCG: "A Second, a Second! My Kingdom for one second!"


1.1 Seconds Taken Off the Clock. Tough way to go out, Ags. Joe Jones and Acie Law 4's missed layups didn't help, but y'all sure got robbed. Since we had money and a first-born son riding on the game (Teaff Neff), not to mention the Good Judge's Bracket, we were actually Whooping it up, and Giggin' 'em with the best of them. Just like Richard III from Billy Shakespeare, it's funny how an enormous enterprise can be saved or destroyed by something as mundane as a single second. Great season, Ags, but watch out: with Bear-killer Law IV gone, Scott Drew is sure to dine on Revellie next season. To arms!


To lift your spirits, here was that great Miller High Life commercial that aired during the game. Those delivery men used to work for us in the BearMeat cafeteria in the ALICO building, but they objected to our "fancy-ass" macaroni & cheese recipe.




Former Interns Make Good Selling Beer

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Around the Quad: The Gnashing of Teeth

This Lenten season has been particularly hard on the BearMeat Editorial Board. While the Good Judge has given up Zima for lent, Governor Pat has sacrificed Light Beer, and, I, the august Red Andrews, have given up my tolerance for losing. Thank God Easter is right around the corner. If Baylor (i.e. Ian McCaw & Grandpa Lilley) decides to give up Kim Mulkey for Lent, then BearMeat will be forced into transforming the world's first Baylor sports blog (sorry Jerry Hill) into the world's first anti-Baylor sports blog. And with that threat, we bring you news from Around the Quad.

1. Mulk. It does a body good. The Baylor Lariat Editorial Board has crafted a fine editorial pleading with The B not to let Mulk go. We couldn't agree more. Similarly Jerry "Over the" Hill has posted about the LadyBears final game over at Bear Blog. We also couldn't help but shed a tear as we chuckled at the Editorial Cartoon over at the Lariat today. Please, Baylor, don't let our Mulk leave us. Pay whatever she wants.


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2. Baylor: Second Most Gay-Friendly School in McLennan County. This Lariat article discusses Baylor's ongoing efforts to portray itself as in step with the modern world. Its weird though when uber-patriot and self-proclaimed culture warrior Bill (horny for interns) O'Reilly sympathizes with the targets of our school policy. Of course, TurdPolishers.com was all over this controversy with their characteristic reasonableness, compassion, and understanding.

3. New Homeless Member of the BearMeat Alliance. Welcome, Homeless Son of Samuel Palmer Brooks. We of the BearMeat Editorial Board are a bit confused about what it is your blog does, but that is the exact response most people have when first encountering BearMeat. So, soldier on, Homeless Son!


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LoomisBoy, Homeless Son of S.P. Brooks

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The Rest of the Brooks Clan, Signing Off On The Building of Baylor's Version of Hogwarts

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Onward Baylor Soldiers: Rufus Burleson Weeps

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Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. - Isaiah 38:17


The 2006-2007 Baylor Season is Over. Yes, track and field, baseball and softball are still alive and well, and we will try to cover these sports, but the meat of our coverage was hoops and pigskin. It was a very disappointing year. We here at BearMeat will attempt to soldier on through this post-season fog of disappointment, disgust and despair. It helps to know that Rufus Burleson still stands in the Quad, as he has for over a century, watching over us sinners. His erect posture is our confidence and faith in a better tommorrow.


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Burleson Watches Over Us From Above


Sic 'em Bears.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

TourneyMeat: The End is Nigh

My cheeriness can be best summed up thusly:

TourneyMeat: The Ride is Over

My Lady Bracket was decimated last night. I only got two winners out of the eight games. My runner-up is still in it, SoonerMeat, but the rest is a barren wasteland. Today's games will make or break my tenuous hold on the Final Four. My Bears must come out with the fire and determination of their fearless leader. The Bears must be ready for war.

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I am Mulk.

WolfMeat: Defeat Yow? Here's How.

The BearMeat Editorial Board's motto is Better Late Than Never. That explains our heroic Y2K coverage following the attacks of 9/11. Sometimes, after the moment has passed, there are still impressions that we must share, regardless of their timeliness. That having been said, we realize our readers expect some sort of a publication schedule, especially regarding the LadyBears vs. LadyWolfpack pregame coverage. So, we begin our coverage of the game with an analysis of why the LadyWolfpack poses a threat to our LadyBears. If you want real news media coverage (in spite of its obvious left-wing slant), we suggest you check out the WacoTrib article written by Jerry "Horny as" Hill, and the ESPN article written by Friend of the B, Mechelle Voepel.



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Lady Wolfpack?



Why the Wolves May Devour the Bears

This team has defeated the top two teams in the country. They are giant-killers. Their record is actually deceiving: they are much better than 24 and 9. Not only have they proven they can run with the big girls, but the Lady Wolf pack is loaded with seniors who are hungry for a championship, or at least a Final Four appearance. As if that wasn't motivation enough, Kay Yow has been struggling with breast cancer all year and winning against Baylor is, for them, winning for their legendary coach. While we would love to make some sort of joke about this, we just can't. They are going to be motivated-as-hell. So what is The B's answer?


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Governor Pat's Offspring, Teaff Neff, Raised By Wolves



How the Bears Can Maul the Wolves

Thankfully, we have Kim Mulk, aka Mulk, aka Dirty Mulk, aka National Champion, aka Hottest Coaching Commodity on the Market. We trust Mulk will rally the troops and put the best possible team on the floor. But the LadyBears too do not lack for motivation. Just a day ago, Bernice Mosby's home in Florida burned to the ground. It was where her mother and sisters lived. All their worldly possessions are gone. If that doesn't give BMo some motivation to destroy the Wolfpack, I don't know what will. The LadyBears, rallying behind our All-Big12 leader, have something to fight for as well: sisterhood. Let's do this thing, LadyBears. BearMeat wants another Sweet Sixteen win and we don't care if that's going to mess up the press coverage narrative of NC State. We have our own demons to confront.

Sic 'em, LadyBears!

[BearMeat Update: Chris Rock riffs on white women in the context of the Donkey Party Primary battle.]



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Monday, March 19, 2007

Mutiny on the Burleson: Revisited

I’m sure you all aware by now that my sudden disappearance from BearMeat was due to an extremely annoying and desperate attempt at recruiting with ex-coaches Emeritus Kevin Steele and Davey Bliss and visionary President Bobby Sloan. That is if you read everything we spout out about the B and her remarkable ability to keep us very creative. I would like now to show the faithful readers what I was dealing with when it came to our search for the next piece of our International Three Point Carnival. The following YouTube video is from the 26th day of our voyage. This diamond in the rough I believe could be the centerpiece of the Coach Drew’s 15 year rebuilding project to reach the Madness that is March. If this little man can’t reach the stardom that “Durex” Durant has accomplished or the comedy value of one Josh “Slumlord” Lomers, then you may strike me down and entomb me within the confines of our dear old Fountain Mall. R.I.P.




Contrary to popular belief, I normally rest with my boombox while evaluating talent

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TourneyMeat: 25-7 and 6-2, but My Bracket Takes a Huge Hit

I'm entering the fifth straight day of tourney hoops. I've watched more college basketball and consumed more High Life at this point than a scout for the Celtics. My Lady Bracket held up nicely on day two. Baylor winning really was all I truly cared about over the entire weekend. The BearMeat Editorial Board is very concerned about playing the Lady WolfPackers tomorrow.

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Breakfast is served.

As for the men, I had another solid day. I've still got 13 teams left in the Sweet Sixteen. However, Texas, my runner-up lost. I mean they got absolutely hammered. Luckily for me, I'm in a UT League so most people had them advancing at least two rounds. Watching Texas struggle against USC, who I'm heavily pulling for in the East to send the bracket into chaos and help me win, reminded me of Baylor this season. Pat pointed out that it appeared Scott Drew gave the halftime talk.
Boys let's go out there a hoist threes and get dominated inside. Durant what I want you to do is stay about 25 feet away from the basket, without the ball in your hands, and wait until you have a chance to shoot. No matter what you do, we won't run the offense through you and we will not clear it out and let you post up the shorter, not nearly as talented guy guarding you. On three: one, two, three point carnival.
This loss hurt my bracket, hurt my Big 12 feelings, and puts me in the very awkward position of pulling for the Agrics to end up in the Final Four.

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I'm just guessing, but this play ended up with Law IV
shooting a free throw to complete a four point play.

Recently, I've been discussing and thinking a lot about college basketball and hoops in general, not in BearMeat but in my conservatory with such luminaries and Red, Pat, and Desmond Tutu, and then today I came upon this article. I started reading it through the beginning of question 3 and did not finish it up until after writing this post, but realized it was saying a lot of what I was thinking.

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The apprentice becomes the master.

I enjoy the men's tournament. It's a great format. People have a lot of passion for their schools. It's perfect for gambling and perfectly easy to follow. But I have to say, and maybe this is the fifth of Gomez talking, combined with the Man Bears snub and bracket breaking loss, but is it just me or is college basketball really boring a lot of the time. I've literally seen almost every minute of tournament coverage, so I've seen the best play, and I can't help feeling that the level of basketball isn't as high as it could be. Sure there are some supreme, divine talents like Durant, but for the most part the games lack excitement.

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So long Austin?

I'll concede the format adds interest to the games. One and done makes a close game interesting because the outcome determines the entire season for the team. But watching it purely from a quality of basketball perspective and I can honestly say I love basketball, the college game, even at its highest levels leaves a lot to be desired. Don't get me wrong, I still love college basketball (none more than my Mulk and my Lady Bears) and I can still get completely lost in the moment of a great game. I will continue to closely follow the game and watch it more than any anyone I've ever known, but I can't ignore this less than satisfied feeling I get every year as the tournament enters the final stages.

BevoMeat: The Fall of Rome

[We of the BearMeat Editorial Board know our history. When we see a historical analogy ready to be made, we cannot resist. We drop everything: LadyBears coverage, intern firings for political favors, and stirring the pot over at TurdPolishers.com. We promise full coverage of the LadyBears Tuesday game against giant-killer LadyWolfpack on their homecourt. If you need more tourney coverage, we suggest you marvel at the Good Judge's bracket, which took a hit yesterday, yet continues to amaze. But for now, bear with us as we explore the power relationship between two of our ancient rivals. - Eds.]

The Fall of Rome, Or How Barbarians Sacked the Imperial City

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Rome Falls: Gabriel Must Have Blown His Horn

The Empire at Its Peak

There once was a powerful empire which dominated all armies it would confront in battle. All who opposed this civilized hegemon would surely perish or risk living in captivity. No, we are not talking about Ancient Rome, but the University of Texas athletic program ca. 2005. The University of Texas Tower, the symbol of the imperial greatness of the Cow-Worshippers, was the rallying cry of the largest and most ruthless power in Texas. Under the masterful direction of DeLoss Dodds, the Shorthorns had nearly conquered all lands and peoples in the known world. Driven by world-class talent, superior coaching, inexhaustible resources, and a fanbase of millions, the Texas Empire extended from El Paso to Orange and from Amarillo to Harlingen. Within a two year-period, the Horns delivered a 2003 Final Four Appearance in men's basketball, a fabled 2005 College World Series championship in baseball (devastating a small religious community in the process), and most significantly, the 2006 Rose Bowl victory over the godless Southern Californians.

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"Bow Before The Glory of Rome"

Yes, this empire was quite something to marvel at: its athletic dominance was unmatched in collegiate sports and it thought nothing of its traditional rivals, treating them like conquered provincial barbarians. Yet within one year of the zenith of their power, glory and dominance, the Cow-Worshipers would suffer humiliating defeats at the hands of barbarians from the hinterlands, whom they had long overlooked as just another subjugated race.

The Empire in Decline

The troubles began for the empire when the best and brightest warriors left their ranks for professional combat among men. The Marc Antony of Texas, VY himself, chose the Elysian Fields of Tennessee over the sacred banks of the Colorado River, where he went on to achieve demigod status. The Elite Eight squad of Rick Barnes all left for greener pastures, save young Abrams, abandoning the coach for gold, glory and professional groupies over classes, dorms, and Longhornies. So how would General Mack Brown and General Rick Barnes cope with the loss of their greatest warriors ever to lace up for the Burnt Orange? The decision was made to turn to child-soldiers.

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McCoy: "Though I am young, I will serve with honor."

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Durant: "I am Apollo reborn."

The great child-soldier experiment seemed to work well for a time. McCoy put up record numbers for a freshman and was the subject of Heisman rumors. His arm was a golden gift of Zeus himself. Durant was setting records and decimating opponents. Both freshman were the faces of a UT recruiting system which harvests the best and brightest, no matter how obscure (2A Texas football) or distant (Massachussets prep school). These child-soldiers garnered more media attention than any previous freshman to play for the Empire. Yet, when great responsibility is entrusted to children, the results are always tragic.

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"Surely, no harm will result from this play."

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"Playing in college seems to be jeapordizing my earning potential. I will now moderate my dominance over opponents."

The Fall of Rome

Just as T.S. Eliot predicted, the end came not with a bang, but with a whimper. The vulnerability of mighty Texas, who now ran plays through untested child-warriors, was evident for all to see. Not 200 miles away, an agrarian people, sworn enemies of Texas, were waiting for just this moment. The Agriculturalists were always willing to add insult to injury. Their hatred of the Empire was palpable and their coaches were ready for redemption (Fran) and ascendance (Gillispie) and knew that nothing short of victory would satisfy their hordes of animal husbandry fanatics. So it began with The Rule of Law.

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The Barbarians Strike the Empire.

With that tactical strike, the Empire began to lose its control over its own homeland: the Mighty State of Texas. The following year, the barbarians struck again, toppling the Empire in their own Coliseum. The weeping and gnashing of teeth was widespread in the imperial city. BurntOrange was deemed a color of bondage and defeat, while maroon saw a new currency among the masses. The child-soldiers suffered greatly at the hands of the formerly subjugated barbarians. The symbols of the empire were used as symbols of defecation, weakness and sordid living.

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The Barbarians Had An Odd Sense of Humor.

Yet the true story of the Fall of Rome was not just the humiliation of the great civilization, but the rise of a new era. Last evening's loss to the Southern Californians, led by struggling child-warriors, was eclipsed by the Sweet Sixteen victory of Gillispie's Hordes. A new day has dawned in the Mighty State. The Empire has fallen. The Barbarians now rule. Guard your women and children, for they only respect strength and brutality. We have descended into the Dark Ages.

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We Bid Adieu to Civilization

[Epilogue. Just as in the history of Europe the barbarian hordes from northern Europe sacked and ended the Pax Romana, so too did the Christian Church create the Holy Roman Empire by Christianizing the great unwashed hordes. To take this analogy to its next logical step, we ask our readers to indulge us just this once. The B, in all its Godly Glory, will necessarily be the next athletic power in this Mighty State. With our fierce generals GuyMo and Scott Drew at the helm, look for a slow, but eventual takeover of men's basketball and football. Within the next 10 to 20 years Baylor will regain its former glory in football (SWC Champs) and basketball (Final Four). Pope Mulkey the First will lead the Baylor Crusade.]

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

MocMeat: UT-C Coach Stepping on Baylor's Toes

At halftime everything looks fairly good for Baylor. I'd be more comfortable if we were up 15. I did notice something a little disturbing in the Waco Tribune Herald. Apparently the Chat's coach has been praying about stopping the Bears. Sorry coach, but that's our game. We suffer a lot of indignities by being a Christian university and one of the few advantages we have is a direct line to God. Often, even our desperate sports-themed prayers go unheeded, so you certainly willing not being getting any help from that department today. She's not taking calls from any godless state universities.

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BearMeat's official Chaplain leading the Editors and Pat's
mom in prayer during Selection Monday.

TourneyMeat: 7-0 Perfection and Starting 13-3

My Lady Bracket turned in a solid performance. I thought BYU, based on their early year performance against Baylor would win a couple of games, so my bracket will suffer. I should have realized BYU's basketball team was a flash in the pan, much like Mormonism. All three of my losses were teams I thought would go to the Sweet Sixteen. Two of them were underdogs (BYU and Xavier) and another (the OSU) was favored to go that far. This early slip up can be made all better with a 20 point win by the Bears today. I love any win we can get against the UT system, even their out of state location in Chattanooga.

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UT Chattanooga's Board of Regents making the trip to Raleigh.


My Gentlemen Bracket was a beautiful thing to watch yesterday. I actually forgot I picked Butler, so was happy that a small program advanced, but crestfallen over its implications for my brackets. Only later, did my loyal intern, Fyodor Fedoseev, point out that in a bout of drunken hubris, I had bet my summer home in Belmead that Butler would win. It made me 7-0 for the day. My ill-advised pick of GW in the Sweet Sixteen made the Vandy v. WSU game meaningless to my brackets. I'm glad Vandy advanced, since in many ways they are the Baylor of the SEC. Cornelius and I would often correspond about healing the scars left by the War of Northern Aggression and it was only after taking my advice that he donated the money to start the university. Today is the day that my brackets could fall apart. I have two Nevada based 7 seeds beating 2 seeds. These were both wild guesses and nothing to do with insider information I received from my various mafia connections in Vegas and Reno that told me these games were locks. I'm sure all players on Memphis and Wisconsin won't be distracted by off court concerns during the game.

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This guy made Memphis and Wisconsin an offer they couldn't refuse.

MocMeat: To Kill a Mockingbird

As Mulk denies rumors of her $10 mil (USD) deal, and BearMeat sweats out another day of the Good Judge's miraculous bracket sitting atop the BON standings, we turn our focus to UT-Chattanooga. The LadyMocs come into the game with the same record as the B (25-7) and having a solid record of recent tourney appearances under Wes Moore. While they didn't beat any ranked opponents this year, the LadyMocs may be poised to strike at the LadyBears as we look ahead to giant-slayer NC State (The LadyWolfpack?).


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"Go to Waco, report what you find, so that I too may worship Mulk."



I will be brief in my comments regarding the Mocs and will keep my counsel to two main points. 1) Contain Alex Anderson, a true 20 and 10 threat in the frontcourt; and 2) Mulk must draw on all of her coaching acumen to defeat the subtlely-strategic style of Wes "Less is" Moore. For the first point, perhaps we can rotate Rachel Allison and Danielle Wilson on Alex, as we did with Courtney in our last meeting in the Tourney. Allison's front-the-beast defense took the Okie Moby Dick out of the game for a long stretch. Perhaps we could apply this strategy to Anderson. On my next point, not that she needs any advice, but I think Mulk would be best served to pull out all the stops in working the refs, pumping the crowd and riding her girls to the second round. I don't know what Moore has planned, but obviously he has a good mid-major squad at UTC which has a proven record. We don't want any upsets before we get our chance to play in the Sweet 16. If the LadyBears follow my wise counsel, I believe we will find ourselves playing on Tuesday.

Sic 'em, LadyBears!


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"This Tourney is Your Chance at Redemption, Champ."

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Saturday, March 17, 2007

TourneyMeat: 6-0 and 30-3

The women have yet to let me down, of course I only predicted one upset. I have often wondered what would be different about me if I was a Florida State Seminole. I would have a better football team and likely a few dozen additional sexual partners, but at what cost to my soul. Here's a highlight video of Pat and I partying with some FSU kids. Pat does the intro and I am featured at the 1:51 mark.



P.S. Acie Law's dad looks like a older version of Snoop Dogg, which is the way it should be.

AgricMeat: Thug Life on the Brazos

Greetings, Bear Soldiers! BearMeat did not find its footing in the fickle internet world until mere months before last year's B - TCU football clasico. However, interns have been dusting off the ol' time machine this morning because a mission must be accomplished: Agric Razzin'!

Last year the Agrics fielded a warrior on their basketball roster. He's no longer with the most motivated and smartest team in recent memory, but this will not stop BearMeat from associating him with this year's squad. His name is Walker. Chris Walker. He started a majority of the games last year for the Bandwagon Bunch, and I am going to make a wild assumption by saying he was not one of the 10 - 15% that graduated while plying his trade in the Agric athletic department. Yeah, I know he was a senior, but this guy can't be that bright. His online antics were all over the internet about this time last year, so we believe there is no better time than the present to relive BearMeat's favorite College Station Crooner: Chris "Get Your Toy Guns Up" Walker.



Mr. Walker is the white dude.




Thank God for Agrics and the internet. Luckily their athletes learn about floral patterns and chicken-fuckin' in the classroom instead of computers. Sic 'em.

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TourneyMeat: Big 12 Starts the Fun

Two games in the books today and two Big 12 victories. ISU rolled and Trailer Mulk's team struggled before pulling away. I have the Sooners' in the championship game, so despite the bile I spit up every time I see them win, I will continue to root for them until they are decimated by the B on April 3. April 3 is Passover this year so it is entirely appropriate that B will finally vanquish the most recent Plague of Paris.

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Bearmeat preparing for the championship game against the Sooners.

Also a humble thanks to PB for heaping praises and anointing oil upon my large, box-shaped body. In true Baylor fashion, I shall start off strong, give the appearance of a champion and then snatch defeat from the clutches of victory. As I write, Xavier looks like they may take out OSU. It will hurt my bracket but I'd love to see Matta get beaten by the team he left behind for greener pastures.

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Red and two unnamed interns lamenting his
$10 million bet on Germany in WW2.

Tourneymeat: Sweet Jezebel, Here Comes the Women

After suffering through the first two days of the Men's tourney, no matter how financially successful they were for me, I am ready to follow a tournament that impacts our beloved B. I was surprised by the snub for the Men's team, but I knew the tournament committee couldn't overlook Mulk. I heard from a very reliable source (Red) that the committee wanted to place the Lady Bears first overall in the brackets, but after speaking with Mulk decided to settle on a #5 seed to avoid the appearance of impropriety. A review of my bracket is sure to raise an eyebrow or two. I have BU over Duke in the Final Four and Trailer Mulk's team topping UNC to get to the championship game. Of course, I have the B ending two years of frustration by beating Okie to win it all. Although we haven't beaten Paris in college I feel that there is no better venue than in Cleveland on the biggest stage.

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Sooners' new state of the art practice facility.

I also realize that Duke has only lost one game this season and is the clearcut favorite to win it all. All I can say is, a just world doesn't allow Duke another championship and I won't believe they can beat Baylor until I actually see it and even then since it's Duke I'm sure the game will be rigged and they'll get all the calls. Mulk saves her best for last, so I'm looking for the B to work the underdog angle for the next three weeks. Despite my championship prediction, after additional research (I sent a dozen interns to Raleigh to clandestinely observe NC State's practice before I arrived by boat today), I have discovered this will be a difficult second round test. Mulk will enjoy beating the WolfPackers in their home town. I must go now and begin my 24 hour pre-game feast. If I do not time it properly, I will only be mid-purge by tip-off tomorrow.

Image courtesy of Okie intern, Mary Jo Clementine.

MocMeat: Whoa, that Bird's no Lady!

Ok we are going to study this carefully now. UT Chattanooga has opened up it's vault to the world of the NCAA Women's Championships, and I just can't believe a school of higher education would use such a blatant image to convey it's message to the world. What say you this image is? Let us study this thoroughly.


A) Is the Moc logo a tribute to the late and great Gentleman Donald Duck?

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No. Although the two have a penchant for navigating various transports known only to human laborers of extensive training and learning, "Scrappy" the Moc and Gentleman Duck have never crossed paths along the famed American railways. However, stories still swirl amid the treacherous internet that these two fowls shared a similar lover during their early days at the Tuscon Waterfowl School of Engineering. Her name was Mariah. She smelled of dulce de leche.


B) Does the Moc have the attitude, gumption and dialect of a certain Heckle and Jeckle?

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No...I imagine "Scrappy" to be quite a slow talker with an Appalachian drawl. These two magpie "friends(?)" are fast talkers and have even faster minds. While the Siamese Magpies are smooth talking plump Rock Doves into bed, I'm sure "Scrappy" still uses his spare stash of crank on the birds that frequent most train stops. "Scrappy" does not dare to drive less than 55.


C) Does this bird just suffer from intolerable road rage?

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"Scrappy" might look like he is about to swing his feathery little wing at an unsuspecting motorist; however, I'm sure he is far too focused on the task at hand: drinking a jug of sweet, sweet Tennessee moonshine and staying on the tracks. Very similar to Eddie Sutton's last ride on the streets of Stillwater.


D) Is this bird horny and ready to pounce?

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Ding, ding, ding! We got a winner! "Scrappy" drives no train. This train drives "Scrappy." Like a speeding bullet through the rough wilderness of the Tennessee flatlands, "Scrappy" the Moc cruises the streets of Chattanooga in his chrome whip throbbing to the beats of Nas. This bird is one step away from a Coors Light commercial with scantily clad white women, steaming hot tubs and a right-wing agenda. Are we sure this is not a Texas school?

In conclusion, I like "Scrappy." I think I could go far if I combined the inflatable ingenuity of Judge and the rock hard ride of "Scrappy." Am I mocking the Moc? Lord, no. Do I hate UT Chattanooga? Yes. They gave the world Terrell Owens. Will the LadyBears win? I think I would have written something analytical if I had any doubts. Does BearMeat's very own Judge Baylor and President Andrews share a bunk bed? Yes...but her name tag says "Intern Sally."


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Who hurts the most from their fighting: "Intern Sally" or "Punchy" the dog?

So many questions. Very little to logically answer. Sic 'em, LadyBears.

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Friday, March 16, 2007

LadyMeat: In Mulk We Trust

[This is the first installment of BearMeat's LadyBears NCAA tourney preview. This is not to be confused with the Good Judge's TourneyMeat, which chronicles, in detail, the hourly status of his bracket picks in the men's tournament, where he is free to pursue his whims, unencumbered by school loyalty, thanks to Mr. Drew.]



More BearMeat Wallpapers Here!


On Sunday afternoon at 1:30p in Raleigh, North Carolina, the LadyBears will take on the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga's LadyMocs (Mockingbirds, who apparently are expert railroad engineers). We expect a large victory with little to no effort expended. The coach of the LadyMocs has expressed his fear and respect of the LadyBears, which is the first step in dealing with loss: acceptance. That we will triumph on Sunday is not the subject of debate in the BearMeat Editorial Board Meetings. No, the real issue that we have been discussing and debating is the future of Kim Mulkey's career.

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The Queen Acknowledges Her Subjects

In the past few weeks, coaching vacancies at Florida, Texas (BearMeat salutes BU alum Jody Conradt), and, most frighteningly, LSU, have reminded fans of the B that Mulk is a white hot commodity in the world of women's basketball. Rumors, speculation, and yellow journalism have contributed to the widespread fear among Baylorites that the Brazos Queen would indeed depart this sacred river valley for greener pastures. Visions of Mulk in Burnt Orange terrorized us, while Governor Pat related a dream in which Mulk was mounted on a Purple and Yellow tiger leading toothless cajuns into battle against our Baptist Bears. As recently as yesterday, Jerry Hill, of The Bear Blog fame, outlined the various potential career paths open to Mulk, should she so choose. The McLennan County Turd Polisher Society (more commonly known as Baylorfans.com), had even sponsored a "Why We Love Mulk" event, in which participants all wore "MulkStaches" and sang songs of her conquests in battle. But in true Turd Polisher fashion, the event was only the opening act for A Salute to Scott Drew: Six Years Until Rebuilding is Complete. This event was hosted by a man calling himself Caesar, who brought the Drew tribute to a fitting climax when he knelt before Josh Lomers and cried his heart out about the changing demands of the electronics retail industry.

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Mulk: "Don't Mistake Me for Your Beloved Lomers"

However, sources close to Grandpa Lilley and Ian "Drew Por Vida" McCaw, today revealed that Mulk had just signed a contract for ten years to the tune of $1 million a year (USD). Apparently, Mulk negotiates sans agent and astride a mustang. Mulk's latest contract reflects Baylor's confidence in her as a coach and the B's commitment to championship-level excellence in our athletic programs. If we can't get Drew and GuyMo to post winning seasons, then we at least better dance with the one who brought us: Mulk. I personally have not been this proud of my school since . . . well, since Mulk brought a NCAA Championship back to Waco in '05. Ponying up the cash necessary to keep Mulk was the right decision to make. Lilley, you done good. McCaw, you're a better man than Tom Stanton. The Good Judge founded this school on such decisions, I closed out the Independence chapter of Baylor history with the same type of forward thinking, and Governor Pat weathered the Depression with the same merciless sense of necessity. She is worth every penny and so much more. She is the one who rescued us from the despair of the Bliss Era. She is the one who reminded us of the glory of the Teaff years. She is the one who defied the critics who condescend to Baylor.

In Mulk We Trust.

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2005. 'Nuff Said.

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TourneyMeat: A Nearly Perfect Day, 15-1

I just got back from BearMeat's official Waco fast food Italian restaurant, Fazoli's. The BearMeat editorial board in conjunction with our interns once ate a entire delivery truck full of bread sticks. Since then we have held every office Wednesday lunch there from 10am to 3:30pm. Everything went great today, except for Kentucky blowing my perfect 16-0 day. That brings me to 29-3 over the last two days. I would say the tournament has been boring so far. Almost everything has gone according to form. I feel that all three of my misfires were due to me relying too much on the schools previous year's team. Obviously, 'Nova, GW, and the Zags had a considerable drop off from last season. I guess Tubby Smith will get at least one more year. All he did was get his team to the tourney and win at least one game. The Baylor athletic department just announced Scott Drew's contract has been extended indefinitely, as long as he is able to win three or more conference games a year. I'll get my women's tourney bracket up tomorrow.

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Pat, Red and I waiting for the paternity test results.