Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Courtney Paris or the White Whale

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There she blows!--there she blows! A hump like a snow-hill! It is Courtney Paris!

Paris has become Mulk's white whale. She has defeated her four consecutive times and cost her a precious conference championship. I'm not sure any other player, other than the Paris' teammates, have accomplished such a feat. Much like Ahab's obsession with Moby Dick, Mulk's thoughts have turned to one thing: defeating Paris. Will her obsession lead to an untimely defeat or more likely, Mulk hurling a harpoon at Paris on her way to the basket? After tonight we will know. Let's take a look at the other characters. Knowlege, or lack thereof, provided by Wikipedia.org.

No mercy, no power but its own controls it. Panting and snorting like a mad battle steed that has lost its rider, the masterless Paris overruns the globe.

Ishmael - our main character symbolizes orphans and outcasts, aliented from society. This is obviously the BearMeat Editors with a few interns thrown into the mix.

Moby Dick - extraordinarily ferocious, but is also possessed of strength, mystery, and power. Paris fits the bill.

Ahab - driven by a monomaniacal desire to kill Moby-Dick, the whale to whom he lost his leg. Mulk had racked up some losses to Paris and she doesn't want it to continue.

All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to Mulk, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Courtney Paris. She piled upon the player's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by her whole race from Adam down; and then, as if her chest had been a mortar, she burst her hot heart’s shell upon it.

Mates

Starbuck - is a thoughtful and intellectual Quaker. He objects to the quest, but follows out of duty. This has to be Associate Head Coach Karen Aston, who long opposed harpooning Paris even as a joke.

Stubb -
Good-humored, easy, and careless, he presided over his whaleboat as if the most deadly encounter were but a dinner, and his crew all invited guests.

Damion McKinney, assistant coach, dresses for every game as if he were about to Attend The Player's.

Flask - short, stout, ruddy young fellow, very pugnacious concerning whales. Johnny Derrick, Director of Basketball Operations, is the old verion of that.

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Harpooners (not to be confused with Poontangers)

Queequeg - is a cannibal from a fictional island in the South Seas. Displays both civilized and uncivilized behavior. Haylee Abbe is from Robinson, so I think that's close enough.

Tashtego - a Native American harpooner, the personificaiton of the hunter. I think this describes Tisdale.

Daggoo -is a gigantic African harpooner with a noble bearing and grace. I guess Bernice would best fit this description.

Fedallah - Tall and swart, with one white tooth evilly protruding from its steel-like lips. Danielle Wilson anyone?

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Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering Paris; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!

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Onward Baylor Soldiers: Streaks & Curses

Onward Baylor Soldiers! Tonight we face Texas Tech in Lubbock with one major streak on the line: The Scott Drew Three Year Road Losing Streak. The last time Baylor scored a road win was February of 2004. As Gentlemen Bears fans, we are a bit nostalgic about this streak. It has been the one constant in a tumultuous world. During this streak, we have witnessed two national election cycles, one major hurricane, a war in the Middle East, a LadyBears national championship, another 400m Gold Medal for a Baylorite, a College World Series appearance for Steve Smith's boys, a tennis national championship, and two straight seasons of multiple conference wins in football. Ahh, the memories. Since the February 25th game against A&M in 2004, Baylor under Drew has dropped 24 straight road games. In addition, in spite of last year's death penalty, we won 4 total conference games. If we don't pull out these last two games, we will have failed to exceed last year's total. What does this mean for the program? It means that Year 4 of the Post-Bliss Rebuilding Decade is Complete. In six more years, we can begin to expect a conference contender. Until then, just sit back and enjoy the Streak!

To celebrate this streak, we present the most cursed sports commercial of all time. While it is perahps the funniest NBA ad, we've ever seen, it is uncanny that one week following its airing the offensive player, D-Wade, and the defensive player, Shaun Livingston, both came down with season-ending injuries. Gatorade. Is it in you?





Who's next, Paul Davis, the rookie who gets dunked on? God forbid the continued airing of this diabolical advertisement. President-for-Life Stern, are you listening? Shut this thing down before it's too late!

At least none of that bad luck is wearing off on the Central Texas Warlord.




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Around the Quad: OU & Tech Game Day

As the three editors rolled out of bed this morning simultaneously (we sleep three abreast in a California King Size Bed when no interns volunteer for a "sleepover night"), our butler alerted us to the possibility of another loss to Obeseketball University in Norman and the continuation of the Scott Drew Road Losing Streak, which would make three years. While we hire our staff based on the degree of hopelessness in their personal life philosophy, this jaded comment so early in the morning was not well received. The Good Judge then resolved to write a masterpiece post on the OU game, due out before tip-off, Governor Pat resolved to have a nip of whiskey before his morning constitutional, and I, Red Andrews, gathered my immense girth and attempted to walk, unassisted, to the lavatory. Needless to say, we weren't in the most action-oriented mood. Not after last night's Jaeger-Bomb Drinking Comptetition between the BearMeat Editorial Board and the toothless illiterates over at TAMU & Baseball. We won, but it may have come at too great a cost: None of us can see this morning. Apparently we have drank ourselves blind. As we dictate this post to our Chinese Intern Sam Lin Le, here is the news from Around the Quad.



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BearMeat Editors: "Not even temporary blindness can stop us from seducing white women."



1. OU Game tonight. Not to wade too deeply into The Good Judge's OU post, I thought I might say this: Another game for Mulk in which we must prove to ourselves that we can beat Paris & Co. While we lost the Big12 Championship on Sunday, we still have our pride, right? This game will determine our conference tourney seeding and whether the BearMeat Editorial Board takes Mulk to DiamondBacks or Johnny Carino's tomorrow night.

2. Scott Drew Road Losing Streak at stake. Is this the game that Drew finally sheds the albatross that has hung around his neck for three years? Will Drew collect Bobby Knight's head and place it on the mantle in the Colin Ferrell Center? Or will our shameful road losing streak continue on, evoking memories of Kevin Steele, Sonja Hogg, and Robert Sloan. Our fate is in the hands of the Savior of Gentlemen Bears Basketball, Josh "The Slumlord" Lomers. In case you were wondering what Baylorfans.com thinks about how long the streak will last, here is a Zogby poll with a margin of error of +/- 17%.


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Our Lord, JL: "Surely this day you will be with me in paradise."



3. Interesting Baylor Polls on Baylorfans.com. Two other polls of note, both run by the Heart of Texas Polls, Inc., deal with prognostications on next year's football schedule and which Baylor figure contributed the most to the B; so far, Mulk is in the lead. Check 'em out, you might learn something about your fellow fans.

Sic 'em? Why not.

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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

RaiderMeat: The Sand Aggies

[What follows is a recipe for how to make Texas Technical College RaiderMeatLoaf. Follow these simple instructions and you will have a delicious dish perfect for any occasion, especially coaching resignation parties. - Eds.]

1. Pour one bottle of O'Douls into a mixing bowl. As a semi-dry city, Lubbock, has a strange relationship with the demon rum. We of the BearMeat Editorial Board can think of no place more undesirable to attend school than one where there are 28,000+ horny undergrads and not a drop to drink. While the municipal government is making great strides to join the modern world in this arena, the fact remains that alcohol in Lubbock is heavily-regulated. Not what you'd expect from such free market devotees. Take it, Wikipedia:




Lubbock County and the City of Lubbock have an unusual legal situation regarding the sale of alcoholic beverages. The county allows package sales but not "by the drink" sales except at private institutions such as country clubs. Inside the Lubbock city limits, the situation is reversed with restaurants and bars able to serve alcohol but liquor stores forbidden. Lubbock remained legally dry until an election on April 9, 1972, made liquor by the drink, but not package sales, legal, and Lubbock abandoned its distinction as the largest dry city in the country.[5] A privately owned conglomeration of liquor stores (the "strip") is located just outside of the city limit on U.S. Highway 87. On November 21, 2006, the Lubbock City Council voted 5-1 to annex "the strip", making package alcohol sales legal within the city limits. There exist, however, significant barriers to entry for stores outside "the strip" area to sell packaged alcohol. The new annexation will contribute a sales tax of 1.5%, or 10 cents for every 7 dollars, to the city. Due to state law, liquor sales will be limited to the newly annexed area.

That is what we at BearMeat refer to as a Byzantine alcohol distribution law.


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O'Douls: When In Lubbock . . .



2. Next, mix in a handful of sand. In West Texas, most cities are artificially created and sustained, as there is no life-giving river, like the Brazos de Dios, to bring together a natural human settlement. No, the West Texas project is all about carving an unnatural existence out of a geographical wasteland for the harvesting of mineral resources. As fun and hot as the rest of Texas is, the thought of spending day after day in the stifling desert heat, with no alcohol, in a county that refuses to distribute prophylactics, one can see how quickly things can turn ugly.

3. Next, two cups of inferiority complex and spoonful of ignorance. Like their East Texas counterpart, the Sand Aggies, sure do have a big chip on their shoulder. Nothing says penis envy like "Get Your Guns Up." Also, like A&M, Tech has a white man as their mascot. Instead of a chesty corpsman, here in Lubbock the mascot is an Anglo Zorro who goes by the name Masked Rider, aka Ghost Rider, and not to be confused with Raider Red, aka Yosemite Sam on a horse. If only this tradition didn't result in so many equine fatalities.



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"Get Your Guns Up" Was Scrapped as Levitra's Slogan



4. Next, mix a heaping spoonful of dry humor and a pinch of sarcasm. Like other conservative TX schools, Tech has its discontents, some of whom even have a satirical paper. Like the Texas Travesty at t.u. (I'm beginning to sound like an Aggie myself!), or The Rope at the B, the Perversity brings the noise and the funk to a white-bread, sanctimonious, and way too sober university. Now that is something we can relate to. However, we must quibble with their lack of anonymity. Being anonymous is perhaps the greatest freedom of all: freedom from responsibility.

5. Finally, add a few thighs of white meat. The White Women at Tech are just the kind of girls that we here at BearMeat prefer: internalized patriarchal, sexually permissive, status-obsessed, ambitious, and unabashedly superficial. These are the type of women that make up 85% of our 2007 Intern Roster. They take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. Thank you, Sand Aggies, for creating a habitat where this increasingly rare species can flourish without threat from the modern world.



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White Women: The Other White Meat



This dish is sure to please any connoisseur of fine desert foods. Best if served hot, with ice tea, and a helping of moralism.

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Monday, February 26, 2007

Waco We Do Pimp Patent Theft, Craigslist Edition

On a slow news day at the ALICO, we have our interns scour the internets for juicy "slice of life" tidbits on life in Waco, Texas. Today, Mexican Intern Raul Lopez spotted the following gem on the Waco Craigslist. Here is the link, if you don't believe that the below is actually real.


$10,000 reward

Reply to: pers-269753903@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-01-28, 2:56PM CST

Looking for Cindy Caldwell her last known address is El Paso, TX and Stephanie Light, her last known address is Worms, Germany. But sources tell me they relocated to Texas. Cindy Caldwell has a younger brother name Jimmy. Stephanie Light has two older sisters name Laura and Sarah. I need to subpoena them to court for stealing intellectual properties. Cindy and Stephanie are now in their early 40's they were strippers and heavy cocaine users in their early twenties. Apparantly their pimps got them involved to steal my copyrights and patents. How do I know these hookers? Went to high school with them. $10,000 reward for thier whereabouts.


I love the whole "pimp orchestrated patent theft" theory and the fact that the crime was most likely committed over 20 years ago. Wonder what his intellectual property was? Was it a microchip or the cell phone? Is there some former pimp out there that is now the majority shareholder and CEO of some Fortune 500 tech corporation? Why did it take this guy 20 years to follow up on this theft? Did he just now wake up from a two-decade drug-addled haze and speak with an attorney? I swear, that craigslist post could be made into a movie, or, better yet, a sitcom. The perfect pitch of the absurdity is Waco to the core. We call on all BearMeat readers to give their interpretation of the sequence of events that spawned this post. What of the litigation? Are there deep pockets involved? Did the pimps sell the patents to a corporation? Please give us your best educated guess.

For some reason this story strikes as both a From Malibu to Waco type of story and a Osler's Razor type of story. If you haven't already, check out the good professor's ongoing Baylor History Project, which we believe to be an elaborate tribute to BearMeat. In the spirit of this craigslist post, we present the opposing narrative, the Waco We Do campaign's television commercial.


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RaiderMeat: "You'll Love Your New Home, Grandpa"

[There comes a time in every senior citizen's life when they must decide when to move into an assisted-living facility. This is a difficult decision that is often made for our nation's elderly by their own children. When grandma and grandpa can no longer live on their own, concerned family members and friends step in and suggest that they move into a managed-care residence. This is precisely what BearMeat would like to do for Bobby Knight. What follows is a letter to Mr. Knight on behalf of concerned college basketball fans and well-wishers, who have only his best interest in mind. - Eds.]

Dear Mr. Knight:

Greetings. We write this letter today to persuade you that continuing to coach at Texas Technical College is harming your reputation, your legacy, and your health. When at Indiana, you led the Hoosiers to three championships, countless Final Fours, yearly tourney berths, and more respect and fear from opponents than any coach has ever received. After three decades of dutiful service to IU, you left that school under a cloud of controversy and the early onset of dementia. We know as well as you that West Texas is a climate and culture much more suited to a temperment like yours and that older individuals enjoy states with warm temperatures, traditional values, and no income taxes. You seem content here and we are happy that the unique culture of West Texas has embraced you as one of their own.


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Anger. Paranoia. Dementia. Lubbock.



However, now that you have netted your 880th career win and having nothing to look forward to besides more early exits from the Big Dance, we of the BearMeat Editorial Board strongly urge you to consider retiring from coaching. We know that coaching is your life, but if you consider that you lost to Baylor University this year at the Colin Ferrell Center, one year after being restrained by Baylor police from attacking a student heckler, you might begin to see that you are perceived as a coach in decline. Your opinions on the silliness of the three pointer and the specter of one-year freshman phenoms show just how cantankerous you have become. Your difficulties with certain Tech administrators is a pattern that has continued uninterrupted since your final days as a Hoosier.


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The General: "The World Has Turned And Left Me Here."




Why don't you do the sporting world a favor and hang up your bull-whip now before Baylor takes the last shred of your dignity by ending the Scott Drew Three-Year Road Losing Streak with a victory in Lubbock. We three ghosts of the BearMeat Editorial Board are also men of a more noble era. We understand that your principles can never be compromised. You are a man of honor; a champion; a General. However, like Brutus of old, there comes a time when the most noble thing to do is to fall on one's sword rather than suffer defeat at the hands of an unworthy opponent. Baylor is such an opponent. Two losses in one season to this International Three Point Carnival is beneath you. The grumblings you will hear following such a defeat will be from the Regents of Texas Institute of Technology as they consider removing your head and sending it to the BearMeat Editorial Offices in the ALICO building for safekeeping to go with our collection.


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It's Okay, Grandpa, Matlock Will Be on Again at 7:30



We write this out of sympathy, compassion, and a deep commitment to the rights of the elderly.

Good day and God bless,

Red Andrews
Senior Editor, BearMeat

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Around the Quad: Picking Up the Pieces

The BearMeat Editorial Board is still recovering from a disastrous weekend of BU sports. As if being swept by the Ags after our bold prediction was not enough, the baseball team lost to Oral Roberts on Sunday. So to recap: Scott Drew losing streak? In tact. LadyBears conference championship hopes? Dashed. Baseball home record? Sullied by fundamentalists. What's next, men's tennis falling to Waco High's JV team? Perish the thought.


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BCG: "Bow Before Me, WacoU. The Apprentice Has Become the Master."


Puting the past behind us, we now look forward to the weekend ahead, where The Streak, Pride, and a call for a resignation loom ahead - and all of this on Wednesday night. So, without further ado, we present the news from Around the Quad.

1. LadyBears face OU Obesketball for final conference game. The Paris Twins must be defeated. We care not how difficult defending the flubbernaut of Courntey Paris is; we care only for salvaging our pride in this face of our backwoods Okie foes. We call on Mulk to muster all her powers and bring the fury against Sherri "Trailer Mulk" Coale and her tubby legions of The Order of Ranch Dressing. This is a must win if we want to advance to and past the Sweet 16 this year.

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Two Classy Ladies Who Advocate Size Over Skill


2. Gentlemen Bears final chance to end the Three Year Scott Drew Road Losing Streak at Tech. We call on Scott Drew to limit Jerrells control of the ball to 20 seconds per possession. We call on the guards to run plays closer in than 40 feet from the basket. We call on the coaches to attempt to run the ball, since our glaring lack of a front court presence makes the half-court game a futile enterprise. With three to four guards on the floor at any one time, we should utililze their speed.

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Scott "The Streak" Drew: "I look forward to the final six years of my rebuilding plan."



3. Brandon Dean Price. You are our oldest and most loyal fan. You have been promoted from Intern-in-Chief to Associate Editor. Your comments have been witty and insightful. If you would like to venture a guest post on the BU-related subject of your chosing, the invitation is out there. When it comes to community voices, we want yours to be heard. Email us at president.andrews@gmail.com.

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Sunday, February 25, 2007

Keeping the Sabbath Holy: Men's B-Ball Takes It Again

Although last week's nominees certainly earned the right to back-to-back Keeping the Sabbath Holy nominations, I decided to go another way. Just in case you missed their efforts,Lomers and Diene , in 33 minutes, accounted for 1 rebound, 2 points, 10 fouls, and a lot of vicious screens. That's fourteen feet of man pulling down one board. I can't fathom how that is possible when 5'10"Tweety "Top Shelf" Carter pulled in seven. It's part their fault and part the fault of their coach. Not surprisingly, I think the person most exemplifying doing nothing to advance Baylor sports this week is Drew Scott.


This has nothing to do with Baylor sports, but seems very BearMeat.

I still blame his big men for being human pylons, but at some point you have to wonder is Drew knows how to develop the players on his squad. "Polyglot"Diene does not have one move to the basket that he can rely on for a decent shot. He hasn't evolved since he came to Baylor two years ago. He can block shots if he doesn't get faked out and fouls. "The Slum Lord" Lomers ability to be a wall on the court is unquestionable, but he doesn't know how to do anything else. I think that if Scott could develop the talent everyone says we have, we would be a good team. I see nothing that indicates Drew is doing anything to make the team better from year to year. For that reason, I name Scott Drew, this week's nominee for Keeping the Sabbath Holy.

How have I never heard of this?

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Saturday, February 24, 2007

A Season on the Brink Part 2: Abject Failure

A few weeks back I said if we didn't go at least 3 and 3 over the next six games the season would have to be considered an abject failure. We went 2 and 4. Abject failure achieved. As this season draws to its painful conclusion many questions remain unanswered. Will our conference record end up worst this year than last year, despite thirteen warm-up games this year? Does Scott Drew realize this season has gone terribly?


My Post Agric Game Feelings

In the pre-game interview he seemed to think the 13-13 record built on the back of the Texas Southerns of the world indicated that a win or two down the stretch could redeem this season. Drew you're a nice guy, but I hope you don't really believe that. I hope that is a little white lie said to keep us from losing all hope, kind of along the lines of a 20,000 troop surge. We want to believe you Drew, but the facts on the ground would indicate otherwise.


Pat's Pre and Post-Game Rituals

The thing that really hurts about the loses is I believe we have talent. This team could win, it isn't the football team. I don't know what the future holds for this team. It seems that Drew repeatedly makes references to us not finishing games because we are young. I don't think that is an acceptable excuse. UT lost every one of their starters from last year. Unless I am mistaken, they have four freshman starters and one sophomore this season. They seem to being doing ok for themselves. Maybe he means to say we have no talent, but I don't think that's true.



The Dilemma of Red

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RaiderMeat: The Old King in the Desert, A Fairytale

[In the aftermath of the Gentlemen Bears crushing defeat (moral victory!) to Texas Ass & Mule, we turn our focus to the last road game of the season, which will be an important game for Scott Drew. Why? Not only is his record-breaking road loss streak on the line, but so is the BearMeat Editorial Board's endorsement. The Board has been interviewing potential candidates for head coach of the men's squad, and so far we are leaning towards Mulk, who assures us that she can handle running both teams. This game against the Texas Institute of Technology es muy importante. So we will assist the Gentlemen Bears by denigrating the Techies' legendary head coach with this simple fairytale. - Eds.]



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The Old King in the Desert



My Kingdom for a Horse

Once upon a time there lived in the desert an angry old king who found himself at war with the world. The old king was renowned throughout the land as one of the greatest monarchs of all time, but in spite of this acclaim, he was a very disturbed person. He had come to the desert to rule over a people in a one-mule town after he was dethroned in his own kingdom. In his previous kingdom, the old man had won laurels, conquests, and victories; more than had ever been seen in that land before. Yet when the old king began to lose his touch and began acting like a tyrant, he was deposed in a coup d'etat. The reasons for the coup were the old king's disrespect of his soldiers, priests, judges, servants, and the very people who controlled the treasury. His behavior had gone from mildly eccentric to moraly loathsome.


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The Young King Enraged

Into the Desert

So, in to the desert the old king went, leaving behind his old kingdom and re-establishing his reign among a people who had never tasted of the glory that the king had taken for granted. The desert exile lasted over five years and the old king had nearly nothing to show for his time in the wilderness except for more scandal, violence and indignities. In the dead of winter this past year, the old man had acquired more victories in battle than any king ever before. A few days later, a defeat to Baptist hordes known for their timidity in battle demonstrated how far the mighty king had fallen. When the rematch approached, the Baptist king dispatched three of his most trusted advisers to negotiate with and minister to the aging king.

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3 Wisemen: The Governor, The Judge, and The President


Enter the Three Wisemen

The President, the Judge, and the Governor were no strangers to suffering and shame. As warrior-poets residing in the kingdom since ancient of days, the three men were long-acquainted with pathos. They had personally seen hopes dashed at the highest levels of combat and had witnessed the pathetic spectacle of the last flicker of life extinguished by a less-than-worthy opponent. In the desert, the old king had taken to dwelling in caves outside of the city, so that he could reflect on the glories and tragedies of his past. He had of late taken to weeping and self-flagelation for days on end. Knowing this, the three wisemen journeyed westward into the desert, far from the lush oasis of their river valley home. Upon arriving on the backs of donkeys, carrying enough libations for several journeys of similar length, the men dismounted their beasts of burden and entered the cave of the old king. They found him there clad in sackcloth and ashes, screaming at passersby and weeping openly.

"Your majesty," the President bellowed into the cave, "We are the three wisemen of the BearMeat Editorial Board. We have been sent to speak with you by the king of the Baptist hordes."

"Go away," the old king replied, and hurled his feces towards the wisemen.

"We mean you no harm, old man," the Judge offered, "we only have a proposition to discuss with you."

"What ever do you want? Can't you see that I fear neither God nor Man?" answered the old king. "What could you possibly offer me?"


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A Legend in Decline


"We have a proposal for you that we think you would be wise to heed, dear king," the Governor volunteered, "Since your armies were humiliated by our Baptist hordes and you have achieved all that you can possibly desire within your lifetime, we ask that you entertain falling on your sword and letting us bring your bloated, silver-haired cranium back to our fertile land with us. You would be able to retain your dignity and preserve your honor without suffering yet another humiliating loss to a traveling carnival of foreign minstrels who delight in illogical strategy and difficult combat techniques."

"Never," the king indignantly responded, "I could never surrender before battle."

"Please, good king, be reasonable. We already have a collection of heads that would make any sultan envious. The heads of your colleagues and former monarchs Quin Snyder, Melvin Watkins, Ricardo Patton, and even Doc Sadler, rest upon our mantle in our hunting lodge. Consider the advantages to willingly giving your head to us now, rather than having a constable retrieve it with a court order," the President reasoned.

"Victory or Death!" shouted the king, brandishing a pocket knife in the direction of the wisemen.

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The Old King Still Had a Fiery Soul



"You have made your decision, king," the Judge warned, "but we caution you to think of your family and your reputation. Good day."

And with that, the three wisemen returned to their rich and fertile land. Upon returning, the men dismounted and began raising an army to lay seige to the old king's fortress and collect his head following victory.

So it was in this manner that a stubborn old king refused to exit the world's stage with grace and dignity, but instead chose a most pathetic end.

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An Honorable Exit is Always Preferred

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AgricMeat: Dead Bloggin'...the Aftermath with Pat

Ouch. It's not depressing anymore. It's unruly. At least we are the Big XII leaders in moral victories. Whatever the hell that means. A moral victory is the unconsicous Intern finally waking up...living in Waco and not addicted to meth...making 50% of your free throws. We will discuss the G-Bears' season and our doe-eyed coach in the upcoming days. I gotta watch Durant tear up some SoonerMeat.

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The Gentlemen Bears: Always looking in from the outside.


Fret not BearMeat Soldiers. We'll get those Agrics tomorrow. Sic 'em!

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AgricMeat: Live Bloggin'...Q&A with Pat and Judge!

Pat Neffistopheles: Welcome folks. I got the wood burning stove fired up. Now we can watch cable and post BearMeat jerky for you to chew on. It's halftime so let's get this Q&A started. Hello Judge, tell me your state of mind after this first half. How do the Gentlemen Bears make you feel right now? Strengths? Weaknesses? Tingle in the crotch? Acie Law penis envy? Joe Jones' head? It's like an upright watermelon, right?

Judge Baylor: In order they were presented: ennui, so far Lomers and Shepherd have played hard and our guards have surprisingly taken the ball to the hole, free throw shooting, more of an itch, Law is a gamer, Jones' head is bigger than any watermelon I've seen.

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Gig 'em, Joseph Jones!

PN: Yeah, I agree. It's more of a watermelon/spaghetti squash hybrid. Judge, tell me. When we win the Big XII tournament what seed will Baylor get in the Big Dance? What do you think Red is up to right now? Apparently he had a long night with our new "alternative" Intern last night. Red told her he photographs for the Suicide Girls on the side.

JB: I'm guessing we couldn't get higher than a 15th seed or they would make us do the play-in game of 64 vs 65. Red is currently organizing his D&D Club's first Six Flags road trip. Either that or he is playing with his Civil War action figures.

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Sic 'em, Josh Lomers!

PN: According to the ESPN+ commentator the Bears look like one of the best teams in the country if you take the Baylor name off the jersey. What do you think he is high on? Didn't see Rick Perry. Is he giving an Agric yell leader that good ol' Loius Armstrong underneath the bleachers? Does he have HPV?

JB: He's probably been drinking some of your gummi berry juice, aka Dr. Pepper with a dash of Agent Orange. I am sure Perry is too busy governing the state to go to college basketball games. Don't you have to have sex to get a STD?

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We may be mean and dispirited, but we still believe!

PN: Ok, we gotta go for now. We'll be back after the game for little more discussion. 12 point lead now for the Agrics with 12:39 left. The Judge is now depressed and despondent. Expect a scathing comment on the G-Bears and Coach "Down Syndrome" Drew if we keep missing our free throws and lose by double digits. The Sonic guy rejecting the tater tot has more talent than our front court.

Sic 'em Bears!

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Friday, February 23, 2007

AgricMeat: The Critics

I enjoy reading our comments section and message boards around games against the Agrics. It tends to attract the best and brightest. The insults come in a few standard variation, many surprisingly related to human sexuality. I will address the Agrics most pressing accusations and insinuations as straight-forwardly as possible. Although I have never attended Baylor or been to its campus, I feel that as its namesake I must address the critics.

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Where I actually spend all my time.

1. We Suffer Penis Envy.

Since all three of us identify as males, I assume this phrase is being used in its popular sense and not Freudian Theory. I can't speak for Pat or Red, but unless this penis you speak of is bifurcated, I can think of no reason to be envious. I will admit, I do suffer from penis envy's buddy Castration Anxiety, occasionally penis panic, aka Genital Retraction Syndrome (GRS), and once had a bout of whiskey dick.

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This caused my latest bout of GRS.

2. Our Musings Have Something to do with the Size of Our Penises.

That is a weighty allegation that is difficult to answer. I suppose it could. Perhaps Pat's wackiness is a result of having a crazy straw-like member. I know personally that I have often felt a great burden by having extraordinarily large genitalia. Just today, for up to the minute measurements, I took a tape measure to myself. My measuring technique has been refined over the years and I no longer include my taint, which often doubled my length. Hold your breath, I am, at my zenith, three inches and a half. Do not be afraid. I realize that is below the average U.S. male, but keep in mind I am only twenty inches tall. If you extrapolate the data to the average male height, 5'9", you would realize that I could work nights in Boy's Town, Nuevo Laredo with those stats.

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Me, at age 45, only taller.

3. We and our coaches engage in a variety of homosexual acts.

First off, I admit I have no problem with homosexuality, but due to scheduling conflicts was unable to engage in the plethora of activities so vividly described by Agrics that were disgusted by them. However, I have engaged in a few indiscretions with Agrics over the years that I will share. In chronological order, not in degree of enjoyment.
(a) Fall 2006, played soggy muffin with Coach Gillispie, Joe Jones, and Stephen McGee. McGee lost or won, depending on your perspective.
(b) Spring 2000, attended the Corps "Senior Boots, Leather and Thongs Men-Only Dingleberry Hunt Party", I hardly participated, but apparently that whole men in uniform works for even other men in uniform.
(c) Summer 1989, helped organize the R.C. "Poke 'em" Slocum's first "Freshmen Football Player's Buggery Fish Camp".
(d) Fall 1954, Paul "Bear" Bryant, he was given that nickname by me, spent a lot of time together during his College Station years, or as he called it the wandering the desert years. We were dear friends and I remember one magical night with the annual bonfire blazing, looking into each other's eyes, and then kissing. We stopped, knowing it would never work, me believing in God, him working for the Agrics, but we continued holding hands and dreaming of better tomorrows.

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I miss that warm embrace.

4. They have never heard of Baylor or know who they are.

I concede this point, basic knowledge has never been a strong point of the Agrics. Besides if we spent that much time inhaling shoe polish and shining metal, we would probably also need to wear adult diapers and have to wear a name tag reminding us of who we were. I wonder if an Agric was asked to name all the schools in the Big 12 if they would stop at 11 or more likely end up in single digits. Maybe they don’t recall us because Baylor was founded over a generation before the Agrics put up their first dirt floor schoolhouse, which was recently refurbished with sod.

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I hope that upside down reading isn't too difficult.

5. They are superior to us in every way; academics.

This is not an easy comparison to make. Baylor has fewer than 15,000 students, has traditionally been a undergraduate university, and is Christian. The Agrics are a state-supported research university, with more than 45,000 students. In order to make a fair comparison, let's bring UT into the mix, which has similar numbers to the Agrics. According to US News rankings, which are ridiculous but heavily relied upon, UT is 47, Agrics 60, Baylor 81. The actual raw numbers are very similar and they all have the same selectivity rating: more selective. I look at the rankings and think the schools are all in the same ballpark. Agrics look at the rankings, and after dismissing them as a conspiracy, think of themselves as about even with Texas and that Baylor's not even close. I was also going to point out that the Agrics, despite having a gigantic graduate school, don't have a law school. This didn't surprise me since the Agrics have always been afraid of the burdens of civilization like laws. But they actually have a law school affiliation and it is not even close to the rankings of Baylor Law. If you care about rankings.

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The ugliest corner of campus.

6. They are superior to us in every way; athletically

Once again this is a tough accusation to counter, since it is so broad. Baylor’s football team, particularly since the inception of the Big 12 has been nothing short of atrocious. However, and this is difficult to say, football is not everything. Neither school has much of a basketball pedigree, but Baylor has been to two Final Fours. If the Agrics had done something similar there would be a statute on campus for all the members of the team and lots of references back to traditions of yore. We mostly forget it happened. When it comes all the other sports there is a Director's Cup they give out every year to the best overall athletic program not including football and men's basketball. Stanford always wins and Texas is always in the top five. As recently as two years ago Baylor finished one place ahead of the Agrics and is always competitive. The list usually only has handful of private schools ahead of us. In the other words, we remain in the same ballpark, both nowhere near UT, in the standings. Tell me again why you are with UT and not side-by-side with us. It pains you, but you know it is true. I won’t even mention the 8 gold medals in the 400 meters we are currently building on.

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That's the most gold this side of Paul Wall.

7. We are full of ourselves, think we are clever or funny. Usually accompanied by I thought Baylor was a Christian school (said sarcatically).

I promise you Baylor is a Christian school, I have know its oppressive yoke on more than one occasion, but I have not once thought I was funny or clever. I'm just you typical 214 year old dude trying to make it another 200 years doing the Lord's will. I wouldn't even say anything about Agrics, remember Bryant and me, expect she tells me they are an abomination in her eyes. I can't walk away from divine instruction. You all understand duty right?

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AgricMeat: Wallpapers, Texas Ass & Mule Edition

More wallpapers for you to choose from. If you want to see all 5, click on the Wallpapers tag, which will display the entire collection. We hope you enjoy our latest submissions.

Wanted: Interns

Crazy Aggies

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AgricMeat: BCG Addresses Texas Ass & Mule

[BearMeat Exclusive: What follows is a transcript of a speech made by Billy Gillispie at a Baylor Weekend Pep Rally at College Station last night. Attendees included the team, fans, Corps, senior administration, and Chet Edwards. The crowd was clad in all maroon and carried torches and baseball bats. A BearMeat intern was able to blend in with the crowd wearing nothing but a pair of old boots, overallls, and a flask of whiskey. Said intern was able to transcribe the speech using a quill pen and some parchment, since there were no laptops available within a 50 mile radius. The transcript was delivered to us early this morning while the BearMeat Editorial Board was just finishing up our evening festivities. - Eds.]




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2004: Aggies Cry "Anomaly"

How To Defeat Baylor
by Billy Gillispie

Gig 'em, Ags! Saw 'em off! I greet you as we near the end of conference play, in this, the greatest season of A&M hoops in our illustrious history. Aggie fans have great hopes for the post-season this year, and I assure you that my aspirations for this year are no less than yours. However, before we enter the Big12 and NCAA tourneys, we must dispense with the Baylor Bears. [Crowd laughter] I know, I know. Sounds pretty easy. However, there are a few things you might want to consider about this team. Not many of you may know this, but years ago I assisted Baylor coach Harry Miller on the bench up in Waco. What I learned about Baylor I will never forget; the Bears care only for defeating Texas A&M. While they haven't been able to compete with our football team in 20 years (save the 2004 meltdown) and have been owned by our hoops squad the last three seasons, these Bears live for our demise. [Crowd chuckles] While it shouldn't be too difficult to take down Scott Drew's International Three-Point Carnival [crowd yells], my staff has been doing in-depth research on the weaknesses of the so-called Gentlemen Bears. One of my graduate assistants has located a website that has been chronicling the weaknesses of this team. When we located the contributors to this site, we found them drunk and surrounded by obese women; after a few more drinks they confessed in great detail exactly how to beat the Bears. What follows is what the BearMeat Editorial Board told me about the weaknesses of the Scott Drew Three-Point System. If we follow these simple steps, we can avoid the Melvin Watkins debacle. His head rests in the Will Ferrell Center in their trophy case to this day.


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The Head of Melvin Watkins



1. Guard the Three-Pointer. This team is obsessed with shots from beyond the arc. Their 3.5 Guard Offense loves to heave up the three-ball. No Big12 team shoots as many threes in conference; thankfully, they shoot only 33% against conference opponents. If we want to stop this team, then we must stop the three-ball. Or not. Chances are, they will make about 8 3s and still lose. Gig 'em! [crowd responds by screaming "Gig 'em" and trying to "thumb" each other]

2. Play them at Reed Arena. Since February 2004, Scott Drew hasn't been able to win a single game on the road. By double-checking and confirming with Reed Arena, we can guarantee a win even before the tip-off. The Bears are famous for playing the 30 Minutes of Hell, so even if they are up going into the final 10 minutes, we know they will fold for lack of veteran leadership and linguistic barriers, which leads to my next point.

3. Give Them Ample Opportunities to Communicate. With 2 players from Africa, one from Scandanavia, and an Aussie, the Bears suffer from "Tower of Babel Syndrome" in which they are unable to function due to language difficulties. To their credit, they only run one play (low screen for 3-ball on the wing), so they don't have to talk too much. If we call enough strategic timeouts they will begin to talk and, thus, confuse themselves. Can I get a "Howdy"? [Crowd responds with a vigorous "Howdy"]


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A Recipe for Miscommunication


4. Pound the Ball Inside. With two 7-footers who are committed to playing Hack-a-Shaq defense regardless of opponent, they will pick up fouls faster than a pig in a field of truffles [much cheering and whooping in acknowledgment of this metaphor]. If rail-thin Mamadou is on the floor, we'll have Joe Jones go at him, Barkley-style. If Lomers is on the floor, we'll run the ball, because he runs the 40 in about 3 minutes. They will both foul out after playing 15 minutes at most. All our statistics prove this. When we force Baylor to go into their 4-Guard Offense at the end of the game, we'll kill them inside.



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In Senegal, They Let Me Play Point Guard


5. Neutralize Darth Baylor. In case you didn't know who he is, Darth Baylor is the Sith Lord that presides over every home game, bringing lightsabers and his mastery of The Force to bear on our Aggie teams. We need the power of the 12th Man to defeat this Dark Lord of Waco. I call on all A&M loving students to take this chump out.


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You must confront Darth Baylor


6. Prepare for the Next Game. The best way to deal with Baylor is to prepare for the next game on the schedule. The easiest way to lose to the Bears is to overprepare. Since their game plan is the least organized in the Big12, you can easily psyche yourself out by trying to overanalyze why they shoot 3s on every fast break. So in our case, we will vigorously study game film for how to stop Kevin Durant and those pesky Shorthorns [crowd goes into convulsions, screaming about teasippers and sawing off horns - ambulances arrive to treat the scores of seizures among the crowd].


That having been said, I look forward to trouncing BU and moving on to bigger and better games. Now, let the festivities commence. [A grizzly spectacle follows of sawing off the horns of a live steer and then slaughtering the beast and dancing in its blood. Then a re-enactment of Acie Law's "The Shot" follows with Yell Leaders in loin cloths pantomiming Law IV's last second heroics against TU.]



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Yet another Aggie S&M Ritual

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

AgricMeat: The College Station Chawbacon Challenge

In the spirit of the two big games coming up this weekend, we here at BearMeat have decided to look into a phenomenon that happens once a year in Agric land: Thinking! I know that comes off as a little startling to imagine an Agric putting on the ol' thinking cap, but it happens. And apparently only in April.


Each spring, the Ideas Challenge asks students from across campus, "What is your big idea?" We challenge everyone from freshmen to doctoral students to dream up the next great product or service and enter their big idea in this campus-wide competition.


In honor of this shocking news, BearMeat will be unveiling random golden nuggets from past winners of the Agric Ideas Challenge. Or as we call it...The College Station Chawbacon Challenge!

Let us delve into the 1997 winner of the Chawbacon Challenge. Cadet Biff McMasters was just a sophomore back then. His aspirations were simple and, quite honestly, meager. As a young teen Biff lost his left testicle in a tractor racing accident while imitating a scene from his favorite movie starring his childhood hero: Footloose; Kevin Bacon. His tools in life would be his strong over--sized hands...and his soul. His work on the farm matched his work in the classroom, earning Biff a coveted Sul Ross Scholarship. By the way, obtaining the Sul Ross Scholarship is no small feat according to aggiecorps.org:


In the past three years, every Corps freshman who applied has received one of these prestigious Corps scholarships.


Well done, Biff. Well done. By his sophomore year, he had heard about this "thinking" challenge once or twice. And on March 30, 1997 Biff set forth to claim the title of 1997's Chawbacon Champion. And so he did. His thought? The Tilty Camera. His life? Changed.


The following images are artifacts and evidence of Cadet McMasters glorious victory. Thanks to the George Bush Presidential Library for letting BearMeat display these sacred images.


The following is Cadet McMasters' Entry Form. Note the tender ruggedness of his prose.



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Biff McMasters' revolutionary "tilty camera."


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This is the "shot" heard (or rather...seen!) 'round College Station.

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A rare photograph of Cadet McMasters and Cadet "Billy." Note the lack of tilty-ness!

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McMasters claims his inspiration comes from his mentor/girlfriend, Ann. She's pictured here with her band, Something Fierce, at College Station's own Hurricane Harry's.


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"One night in Paris?" The tilty craze has caught on with everyone in the Corp!


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Be sure to check in soon. BearMeat will be looking at more past champions of the College Station Chawbacon Challenge.

Sic 'em!

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AgricMeat: Weekend Sweep Predicted

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From a less homoerotic era at A&M


The BearMeat Editorial Board has thought long and hard about how we are going to cover this weekend's games against A&M. On Saturday, the Gentlemen Bears journey to College Station to again face the Aggies and rekindle the 100 Years War between our schools. On Sunday, the LadyAgs travel to Waco to attempt to defeat our LadyBears for the second time this year. We thought we would remind our readers that we have dealt with the Agriculturalists in some detail this past school year, proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are the Big12 equivalent of North Korea, showing how A&M football would be depicted as Garbage Pail Kids, and chronicling an illicit affair between the Good Judge and an Amazon Lady Aggie.



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Aggie Homecoming Queen: The Good Judge's Only Aggie Conquest.


However, we are not quite done with the Ags and their ilk. No, we of the BearMeat Editorial Board formally Declare War on Texas Ass & Mule, challenging their bloggers to come with their heavy guns against the B. Do they have anything to fire at us? We doubt it, since most accrediting institutions regard an A&M bachelor degree as the equivalent of a middle-school education. We therefore predict a weekend sweep of the Aggies, both the men's and women's teams, with the greatest Baylor triumph in recent memory (Nebraska victory notwithstanding). How are we going to achieve this goal. Let us list the reasons why this upset of two top-ranked teams is an inevitability.


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The Corps: Let's Play Army - "We Surrender"

1. Aggie Arrogance. Never before have the LadyAgs and ManAgs enjoyed such dominance in the realm of roundball. This is new and unfamiliar territory for the Ags and while before they regarded Baylor as a worthy opponent (LadyBear 2005 National Champions; Two close victories over the International Three-Point Carnival last year), the Ags are now thinking Final Four. Don't count out your Brazos rival, because the LadyBears are clicking on all cylinders and the Gentlemen Bears are spoiling for an upset. Don't sleep on the B. Just because your school produced a competent Secretary of Defense and a corrupt governor who used to be a cheerleader doesn't mean a thing when it comes time to hardwood showdowns. Just because you have a Bush Library and we don't doesn't mean you can hold your heads higher. Pride cometh before the downfall and hubris has brought down many a warrior. Tread lightly, Ags, for the Bears lurk in the woods and are ready to dine on a collie.


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Saw 'Em Off, Indeed


2. Mulk > Gillispie. We have a national championship-caliber coach who will destroy all Aggie hopes and dreams. While the two coaches won't personally square off, they embody the winningest traditions of each respective school. We love Gillispie's CenTex roots, but when it comes to winning, the proof is in the pudding. Both Billy and Mulk have turned loser programs around, but the jury is still out on Billy Boy. Rankings are one thing, but Tourney success is quite another. Mulk will do anything to win, including sacrificing her first-born; can the same be said of Gillispie? This weekend Mulk plans to relieve Scott Drew of head coaching duties so that she can collect two wins pulling double duty, while keeping the Scott Drew Road Losing Streak in tact.

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Will Gillispie Ever Cut Down Nets? Doubtful.



3. The Court at Reed Arena. Is there any doubt that this court is the ugliest in America. In fact ESPN.com deemed it so in their review of college basketball courts. The combination of the ugly parquet floor, the arc-to-arc giant Texas outline, and the T with the star (discontent with the old "aTm" logo, are we?), makes this court a visual abortion. No national champion can emerge from a home court that violates this many aesthetic principles. This court is an enemy of all that is good and will begin to warp the minds of those who play on it day in and day out. We suspect that eventually this court will develop a reputation for eating souls and being an affront to the Living God. There is no excuse for this monstrosity, except that it was hatched in a school known for the barnyard arts, not the architectural arts. This court alone will give our Bears an enormous psychological advantage as we are accustomed to playing in the soothingly green Will Ferrell Center. Our mental tranquility will surely triumph over the chaotic, sociopathic logic that stems from Reed Arena's tragic court.


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Reed Arena: What Hath College Station Wrought?

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