Wednesday, January 31, 2007
America’s Team Held Hostage: DAY 1
Before cutting off communication, in a moment of rare lucidity, Jones discussed his future with top negotiator, Mike Singletary, “The Minister of Defense”. The Minster, insisted it would be all right, if he would just listen to reason. It seemed for a moment Jones understood and began to nod in agreement. However, abruptly and without provocation, he yelled, “That’s my potato, you can’t have it.” The Nation remains captivated by this stalemate. At this point we must put our faith in the Minister’s ability to deal with a madman. Many fear bloodshed is inevitable. We remain hopeful that this will not end in tragedy.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Bring Me The Head of Ricardo Patton
Last season, the Gentlemen Bears thrashed Mizzou on our home court (of course) 90-64. Following the game, Mizzou's head coach Quin Snyder (Christopher Walken doppleganger and Duke JD/MBA overachiever) resigned from his position. A blowout loss to Baylor was the perfect symbol of a season gone awry - it merited a mid-season coaching change. As a result, Scott Drew & His International 3-Point Carnival were awarded the severed head of Quin Snyder, which is currently displayed in a trophy case in the Will Ferrell Center next to the Second Place Trophy from the 1948 NCAA Tourney (damn you, Adolph Rupp!). The head arrived via pony express. The rider dismounted and hurled the head into the lap of the Judge Baylor statue on campus, where one of our interns retrieved and sold it to BU Athletics for a reasonable sum.
After tonight's yawn-fest against a Colorado team which played like a Middle School JV squad, President Lilley has dispatched a team of Baylor lawyers to demand the head of Ricardo Patton, CU Hoops Coach, and latest victim of a Bears blowout. To endure such a humiliation and to continue would be unthinkable. We hope that Colorado University's administration, with its fine record of dealing with athletic scandals, will have the wisdom to remove Ricardo's head from his body and have it entrusted to our legal eagles for safekeeping as they journey back to Waco.
Note to Jerrells: you don't need to handle the ball for 22 seconds of every possession before you attempt an athletic and ill-advised shot. Distribute the ball some, and for God's sake, please don't strut the ball up court at 2 mph. Act like you want to win - hustle!
[Update: Thanks to an anonymous tip in our comments sections, we seemed to have overlooked the first head that Scott Drew lopped off of a fellow Big12 Coach: That of Melvin Watkins, A&M's hapless head coach, who later went on to assist in Quin Snyder's Downfall. Shame on BearMeat for forgetting the greatest head in our collection!]
A Season On the Brink: Six Games To Prove We Don't Suck
We have the Buffs at home tonight. This is a must win game. We are tied with them in the cellar of the Big 12 at 1-6. Admittedly, our conference schedule has been difficult so far, but we are entering a soft patch. Over, the next six games, other than a young Texas team at home, we play the five worst records, excluding us, in the Big 12. Four of the six games are at home. Nothing less than 3-3 is abject failure. And this season, absent a miraculous conference tournament run, will have to be labeled a failure. Oh yeah, and keep starting Tweety.
Top Ten Reasons to Hire "Samurai Mike"
1. Singletary is from Texas. Born in H-Town, raised in the Lone Star State, nothing says Local Boy Done Good and the Cowboys are loyal to Texas (unlike those Vince-spurning Houston Texans) like making The Minister of Defense the next head Coach of the 'Boys. Diehard Cowboys fans were some pissed when you signed Terrell Owens, who "dissed the star." Passing up Singletary may just demonstrate your contempt for the home state of America's Team.
2. Hall of Famer. Inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 1995 for his stellar career with Baylor and inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1998 for his magnificent career with the Chicago Bears. You can't argue with his playing field bonafides. Plus, with such honor comes the graciousness and humility of a champion. Expect no tirades or off-the-cuff remarks from this Gentleman. He's already in the Hall, so you know he only wants to win.
3. Coaching Experience. As the linebackers coach of the Ravens who worked with Ray Lewis, you know that Singletary can bring out the best in a team. As the assistant head coach with the 49ers, this guy has got the experience and know-how to wear the Big Headset. I know you may, Jerry, have reservations about "the color issue," but let me assure you that our man Mike is much more in the mold of a Tony Dungy than a Dennis Green. He led Baylor to a SWC championship and he can lead the Cowboys to the SuperBowl.
4. Celebrated Author. Time for a head coach to bring some intellectual firepower to the table. Singletary is your man. Having written many books, Singletary may just be the first Cowboy head coach nominated for a Pulitzer, chronicling his birth in segregated Houston all the way to coaching the SuperBowl Champion Dallas Cowboys. How bout it, Jerry?
5. Man of God. Ordained Minister. If that doesn't play with the Cowboy faithful, than I don't know what will. Who better to rally the spiritually devoid 'Boys back to the Christian Era of Tom Landry (himself a True Believer) than a Man of God, intent on bringing righteousness to the Gridiron? Give Rev. Mike a chance, for God's sake.
6. Knows How to "Play the Game." Singletary knows how to deal with the self-obsessed, crusty, white male establishment, embodied in Jerry Jones. Hell, he excelled at Baylor, which prides itself on preserving the racial purity of its white women above all. Knowing when to "shuck and jive" and when to stay silent is one of the great keys to succeeding in a white power structure. Singletary will never be as flamboyant as Jimmy Johnson or as loud-mouthed as Parcells. He knows how to win approval to the point where Jones will most likely exclaim to his wife over dinner, "Deb, not only is he hard-working, but he's so articulate."
7. Will break Tony Romo of his crippling addiction to white women with mediocre voice talent , like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood. This will help steady his hand when crucial game-winning field goals are at stake, instead of snapping his fingers to Carrie's "Jesus Take the Wheel" (a BearMeat favorite, but still - focus on the game). Mike's combination of teacher, preacher, coach and warrior will help mentor Romo to the point where he will use the anointing oils when they are needed: the Playoffs. Likewise, Singletary is much more effective than the Tuna at reigning in the ego of a young QB; his methods include stripping him naked in the locker room while his lineman make jokes about his virility. Works every time.
8. Have nickname, will travel. How much will the Dallas media love toying with the two nicknames "The Minister of Defense" and "Samurai Mike"? I know we will. Whether you like the idea of a defensive-minded bureaucrat or deadly Japanese feudal knight, Singletary has two broadly conceived nicknames to endear him to all sorts of target demographics. Whether the 'Boys are trying to lure Japanese-Americans or staunch pro-military types, Mike can accommodate both.
9. 2007: The Year of the NFL Black Coach. Do not buck the zeitgeist, Jones, ride it out. This is the year our Lord decreed that the black man will finally get a fair shake in the NFL. This is not just a matter of wins and losses but of fundamental civil rights. Just as Lovie and Tony are finally getting theirs in the SuperBowl, so too should Samurai Mike be given a chance to lead the Cowboys back to the promised land. I'm pretty sure that's what MLK, Jr. was talking about.
10. Dallas Owes Waco. Karma. Having taken our Presidential Library from us, Dallas owes Waco this one favor: make a Baylor Alumni the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys and we will consider the SMU matter water under the bridge. Dallas knew that Waco needed that library more than they did, but its greed was too much for it. However, one single employment offer will clear up all that bad blood faster than you can say "historic low approval ratings."
Please, Oh Please Pick Mike Singletary
Monday, January 29, 2007
BearMeat's World Headquarters Presidential Library or What To Do With the Rumpus Room
* Super Bowl for the '92 season was played ten days after inauguration.
Winter Recruiting News
Stephen Colbert Backs the Bears
Meaty Tidbits: Rumors, News and Proposals
2. Mamadou Wants to Play Point Guard, Bruce Wants to Play Post. In two revealing profiles on the BU Athletics site, Mamadou expressed his desire to run the point for the Gentlemen Bears and revealed his likes and dislikes, in a similar profile Aaron Bruce reveals his wish to play center. Since Mamadou has proven ineffective down-low and Bruce accounts for most of our points in the paint, we endorse this plan wholeheartedly. It's not like it will jeopardize any win streak of ours, and will most likely cut down on turnovers. We've always seen Mamadou more as a Senegalese Magic Johnson and Aaron Bruce more of a Charles Barkley type. The profiles are rather amusing and serve as windows into the soul of both of our immigrant Bears.
3. A New Guest Contributor. In BearMeat's attempt to obey the injunction mandating our Title IX compliance, we want to welcome the first non-permanent member of the BearMeat Editorial Board, Mrs. Kokernot. Mrs. Kokernot, the namesake of the popular dorm, will bring a much-needed Victorian perspective to a semi-regular column, Lady Business, which will comment on etiquette, feminine virtue, and the Lady Bears. We hope that this will attract more female readers and will keep Judge Ralph Strother from shutting us down.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
The Emu Strikes
So, we hope you enjoy this treat. Sic 'Em, Aussies!
P.S. If you are a BearMeat reader and stumble across some YouTube footage related to Baylor or Waco that you couldn't otherwise find by searching those words and think it would be of interest to other readers, please let us know. Thanks.
[Oso Amigo Update: We welcome Sunday Morning Quarterback, aka SMQ, aboard on the Oso Amigo roster. These guys cover college football like CJ Wilson covering a receiver during the non-conference games - they're all over it.]
CrossCyed Interview of BearMeat Editors
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Bear vs Cow: The Last King of Austin
Well, the first-half fairytale was bound to end at some point. Apparently the Shorthorns have a player named Durant who happens to be the best to ever don the orange and white. Had the Bears known this fact, we might have had time to prepare a strategy to guard him ("Hack-a-Durant"?). As it stood, he dropped over 30 on us and then took a dump on Mamadou Diene, which thankfully is a sign of respect in Senegal. The backcourt played well tonight, but alas, we must bow to our I-35 masters.
my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. And I
give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish,
neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand."
Postgame Comments from Coach Drew: "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
Also, was anyone else aware that the Gentlemen Bears are the worst 3-point shooting team in the Big12? Now it makes sense that our offense relies on that shot, because we are part of a global gambling conspiracy.
BearMeat Readers: Despair Not! Join the BearMeat Editorial Board in guzzling ritual libations after a Baylor defeat. We recommend all wine under $5 a bottle and all beer sold in 24oz cans.
Hook 'em? Nah, screw 'em. Sic 'em? Hell yes.
Bear vs Cow: Baylor Leads at Half!
Bruce has been showing the leadership that we have demanded of him and, surprise, the Bears are rebounding, scoring in the paint, and scoring in transition. And you thought we just liked to play the "slow-down and wait for the open 25-footer" game? Well, not always. Our suggestion for the second half: have Rogers take the ball inside more, have Bruce continue his driving to the hoop, and don't let Jerrells go crazy. Also, if Mamadou can't come back, Lomers is already in foul trouble, so we'll have to dig deep in the bench to find the appropriate white center (from Finland?) to play some "hack-a-Durant" defense.
Saturday Hoops: Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead
Labels: LadyBears Hoops
An Open Letter to Baylor Sports Fans
As the first Baylor Sports Blog, BearMeat has found that we occupy a large void on the internet. This is due to the fact that Baylor's presence in the world of sports blogs is terribly lacking. The largest gathering of Baylor supporters on the net is Baylorfans.com, which is predominantly a discussion board where fans share their hopes and air their grievances. However, the discussion board is the first stage in a school's internet presence, the next stage must be the sports blog, which plays an amateur journalistic role, but one that is highly interactive with its readership and can establish a regional, or even national following. In terms of Baylor athletics there is a dearth of such sites.
We have noticed that the Lariat's sports coverage has bemoaned the fact that Baylor fans are so quick to turn on the teams and coaches and exhibit little patience with tough losses. For this the Lariat is to be applauded. We think that the presence of serious, committed Baylor bloggers will help to revive the hopes of our fans, the pride in our programs, the confidence in our coaches, and the image of Baylor athletics. As students and alumni, it is our duty to support our school. For the tens of thousands of Baylor sports fans out there, one way to do that is to begin a blog dedicated to one or more sports. Judging by the discussion boards, we know that there are many intelligent, witty, and knowledgable Baylor fans out there who would enhance the conversation of BU Athletics. While BearMeat skews ironic and satirical, we want nothing more than to see an army of Baylor blogs defending our school from those who would malign our reputation.
We of the BearMeat Editorial Board write this letter as a call to Baylor sports fans to establish a much stronger presence on the internet. Most other Big12 Schools have serious sports blogs which attract national attention and do their schools a great service by promoting athletic programs. In this department Baylor is behind the curve.
So we offer this Call to Arms: Let's get to blogging!
The BearMeat Editorial Board
Welcome, New Oso Amigos!
The 12th Manchild. This Agriculturalist offers a fresh perspective on A&M sports, free from the jingoism, machismo, and parochialism of much of the Aggie Internet experiment. We enjoy his blog format and his sense of humor. Check him out, if only for his coverage of The Great "Saw 'Em Off" War between TU and A&M.
CrossCyed. This Iowa State blogger can relate to BearMeat's obsession with respect and status, sharing our unease with cellar dwelling and perpetual Pollyanaism. Look for his upcoming interview with the BearMeat Editorial Board that is sure to garner a Pulitzer nomination for excellence in journalism.
Hawk Digest. The newest member of the BearMeat Alliance, a Jayhawk fan, offers this stirring defense of Baylor's inclusion in the Big12, which left nary a dry eye in the BearMeat Editorial Offices in the ALICO building. Welcome aboard!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Bears in the NFL?: Updates
Where The Bosque Meets the Brazos
Prof. Osler over at Osler's Razor (witty, eh? That's what a Yale degree will get ya!) explores the little known Vision 1930 of President Samuel Palmer Brooks. It took 77 years, but all the imperatives of that historic plan have now successfully been implemented.
The Baylor Lariat. This is not the Editorial Board that we remember from the Hi-Lariat Days of our undergrad. Today there is an editorial which basically says "Good Riddance to the Bush Library." Damn. Since Sloan's departure, you'd think someone would be able to reign these guys in. Nothing like NYTimes-esque editorials deep in the Heart of Texas. [Also, great opinion piece article on what we call the Baylorfans.com Syndrome - turning on the coach after every loss. Look for a BearMeat "Open Letter to Baylor Sports Fans" which we will send to the Lariat and post on our blog highlighting the need for more constructive internet engagement with Baylor Sports, including the dearth of blogs, negativity of Baylorfans.com, etc.]
12th Manchild (an Aggie blog - we know) has given us the official T-shirt of Baylor Athletics. Since we think A&M is our rival (and they think UT is theirs, and UT thinks OU is theirs, and OU thinks the Cherokee Nation is theirs), we thought it appropriate.
Also, who killed Baylor Sports Unlimited? Where are those guys? Is BearMeat now the only Baylor Blog besides the Bear Blog?
Will These Hands Ne'er Be Clean? Part Two
For the second part of the BearMeat Basketball Report Card we focus on the Gentlemen Bears, a truly cosmopolitan, international bunch.
PART TWO: RED AND YELLOW, BLACK AND WHITE
Scott Drew has assembled perhaps the most international sports squad (save tennis, of course, what with its oversexed Czechs and Aussies) in the B's illustrious history. Always considered a regional school, Drew's emphasis on internationalism and the global recruiting has brought some unique faces to Baylor. While his recruiting strategy's repudiation of unilateralism may have cost us a presidential library, we here at BearMeat enjoy the fact that we represent four continents of hoop potential. Just as the old Sunday School song goes: "they are precious in his sight" Drew is wise to the fact that most D1 head coaches ignore Finland, Australia, and Senegal when shopping for Frosh Phenoms.
However, after the OU and KU blowouts, we are now beginning to understand why. The cultural-linguistic barriers are the reason the Nash-Nowitski-Najera Mavs couldn't reach the Finals, similarly this Babel-esque confusion is behind the Spurs lackluster year - too many players from too many countries can turn any team in to a bewildering post-modern cacophony of mediocrity. We truly hope that our Gentlemen Bears do not become the exemplars of why such a squad is doomed to failure.
of the Tidwell Babel Building
Africa: The Dark Continent
Senegal is a scarred land, which knows much pain, suffering and tragedy. However, the former French colony is resilient and has given Baylor two of our brightest on-campus personalities: Mamadou "The Mayor" Diene and Penny "The CEO" Thiam. The Mayor's injuries have limited his shot-blocking power, but haven't hampered his intimidating physical presence or on-court demeanor. We here at BearMeat would like to see The Mayor work on some low-post moves and become more of a rebounding force down-low.
Shot blocking does not a competent post player make. Since we haven't got to see The CEO play this year, we assume he needs to continue to develop as a player. We suggest that both men hit the weight room and bulk up. The Bears are in desperate need of strength down low.
Grade: U (for Unrealized Post-Colonial Potential)
Europe: Our Nordic Army of One
We here at BearMeat are nothing if we aren't Scandanaviaphiles, so it was with great rejoicing that we received the news of "Finnegan's Wake's" (Jari Vanttaja) signing with the B. However, having seen this player in action, we are a bit disappointed in his performance. The A&M game where he airballed a 3-pointer, committed an unnecessary frustration foul after said miss, and then turned the ball over all in 2 minutes time was enough for us to begin the deportation paperwork.
By Bear Meat Editor-at-Large Scamp After E-Bay Purchase
Our love of the frozen northern European countries is tempered with our deep concern for securing our borders. He needs to be threatened with deportation in order to be a force on the hardwood. Sorry, Jari, but this is for your own good.
Grade: V (for Viking Ancestors)
Australia: Put Another Emu on the Barbie!
We feel that our resident Aussie, Aaron Bruce, is emblematic of our team's strengths and weaknesses: he is from another country and brings international competition experience to the team. He is an excellent outside shooter and at times shows All-Big12 potential. Sadly, his consistency is non-existent and he seems to choke when we need him most. His stellar freshman campaign drew him national honors, but since sharing the backcourt with Tweety, Sub-Zero and Dugat, it's been a bit disappointing. The fact that he is a guard also shows that the team is guard-heavy. While we love "The Emu" we feel that he needs to take it inside the arc more often, look for his own shot more often, and demonstrate some leadership on the floor.
Grade: B (for Bruce: Australian for 3-Point Schizophrenia)
Texas: All Hail the Mighty State
Since the majority of our team hails from the Lone Star State, we will treat it as "A Whole Other Country," just as the tourist ads (and separatist groups) would have you believe. So we will go one by one through our Texas Boyz:
Sub-Zero (Jerrells): Brings athleticism and marksman shooting to every game. He might even have NBA-talent, but his control and maturity issues are paramount. Could be the leader of this squad and the standout, but his decision-making needs work. We love Sub-Zero and think this Son of ATX deserves high marks, but much work is needed.
Dugat: Henry "Aphrodisiac" Dugat is the spark of the bench. Basically the 4th guard in a 3-guard offense, Dugat could be a starter and big-time player anywhere else, but shares the backcourt with three high-caliber guards.
Lomers: The SlumLord has been one of the biggest disappointments this year; while bulky, he has no strength down low. Worse, however, is his lack of confidence to even make simple layups. We need to put this guy through boot camp. By his senior year, he might just become the second coming of Ostertag.
Rogers: Mr. Rogers, aka K-Roge, has demonstrated that his game is at the next level. He is by far our most dominant frontcourt player and is basically our only inside scorer. His moves around the basket are phenomenal and his quickness and athleticism make him a joy to watch. Keep up the good work, Mr. Rogers.
Fields: Needs to develop an inside game to assist Mr. Rogers, but sadly, is more of a true 2 Guard. He can be deadly from beyond the arc, but Lord knows we don't need another 3-baller.
Grade: D (Deep in the Heart of Texas)
We're not sure how to feel about Scott Drew. He is an amazing recruiter, but the chemistry of this team is poor - notoriously guard-heavy and overrelies on the 3-ball. While his teams show flashes of brilliance, they always buckle in close games. We hope he develops more of a killer instinct this season. The win over Bobby Knight and Tech was great, but the 40 point loss to OU and Jayhawk blowout were inexcusable.
Grade: Y (for Youth and Inexperience)
Overall Grade: R (rather disappointing after a decent pre-season).
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Bobby Knight: Changing With The Times
That doesn't make me feel any better about 3-point shots. I don't like it, didn't like it, not going to like it. It was good tonight, though.Knight really knows how to keep up with the times. It is eerily similar to his good friend Bill Parcell's statements earlier this season regarding his skepticism of the forward pass and how he wasn't going to run a flash in the pan offensive scheme. Knight continued his riff of things that have destroyed basketball by decrying the replacement of the peach basket with new-fangled rims, high top basketball shoes, the jump shot and integration. After finishing his lengthy basketball list he proceeded to list other things from the modern world that terrify him like e-mail, horseless carriages, and self-control. He ended the news conference in typical Knightian fashion by urinating on the press corps and telling them he would rather be in Lubbock than still at Indiana. He refused to answer any more questions once he inserted is thumb in his mouth and walked out. That sir, is a leader of men.
Labels: Gentlemen Bears Hoops
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Football Tidbits: Bears in the NFL?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
A Grief Observed and The Problem of Pain: Thoughts On The Original Baylor Sports Blog by C.S. Lewis
I didn't give up on the B that day. I can't quit you and you know it; besides, despite the recent setbacks the women's team is headed for greatness. But for the men's team, I'd watch the games and cheer them on, but I would cease to believe. So I did what I've done a million times before and what anyone else would have done in my position . I started huffing gas and reading the works of the literary discussion group The Inklings. I happened upon a lesser known member of the group, C.S. Lewis, better known as Clive Staples Lewis.
Apparently, Clive, early in his Oxford career, initiated a "Oxford in Baylor" program. Clive, like all intelligent people, instantly fell in love with the the B and the thriving metropolis of Waco. However, Clive realized not all was well. Students, faculty, staff, and locals were often happy, but on occasion, usually when discussing the B's athletic endeavors, a grim expression would descend upon their faces. They implored this medieval scholar and avid cricket fan to please explain to them why Baylor sports fans must suffer. Clive took it upon himself to study this problem and held a series of symposiums on the subject. Over the course of several summers and numerous B v. Agrics football games, Clive gathered his thoughts into several books. As an aside, Clive often would say the Agrics reminded him of Cambridge, the only difference being the beautiful campus, intellectual environment, sense of humor, and running water. Clive attempts to make all long-suffering B fans feel better in The Problem of Pain:
Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.So in other words, to live life as a Baylor fan is to suffer. There is no other way.
Clive also speaks about my Lucy moment directly in A Grief Observed:
Oh, God, God, why did you take such trouble to force this creature out of its shell, if it's now doomed to crawl back — to be sucked back — into it?Exactly, why Baylor, why do you do to this to me every time? Why do you toy with me? But gradually, after reading over his body of work on Baylor I felt comforted. I realized I'm not alone, that my condition is no different than dozens of my fellow B sport's fans. I realized that suffering is not the point of being a B fan, but merely a side effect of my free will choosing to root for them. For some reason, my understanding of choosing pain made it more acceptable. I'm done with the Inklings for now and as soon as I finish off this last gallon of unleaded I'll stop huffing, but I'm back believing that one day I'll kick the football or at least land a nasty stiff arm to Lucy's skull.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Will These Hands Ne'er Be Clean? Part One
of the Sons of Norway and is sketched receiving exemplary marks on his Report Card
He is an avid Lady Bears fan - which justifies the image
PART ONE: THE LEGION OF MULK
Team Assessment: The season started off very well and we have been particularly impressed with the incoming recruiting class (1st in the nation - which is what a national championship brings: are you listening Drew and GuyMo?) - especially Wilson, who is our very own Dikembe Mutombo with as many shots as she blocks, and Mosby, who plays the part of a skinnier, more intense Sophia Young. However, losing two straight conference games, especially to A&M (salt in the wound after the OU loss), dashed our confidence that this year's squad is stronger than last year's team. Our inside game is much improved over last year, and our 3 point shooting is up as well, but we cannot afford to let OU continue their Fat Twin Domination of the Lady Bears. Mulk, who has been distracted by highly-educated suitors, has displayed her signature intensity, but her wardrobe has not quite been up to par. We need to be mentioned in the same breath as the Top 5 teams and must beat OU in order to prove we can contend for the title this year.
Grade: D (for Deflated Hopes)
Mosby Assessment: This ex-Gatoress jumped ship right before their athletic program was in full nose-dive, so their loss is our gain. Our team is now Mosby's team - she is our leader and her strength is our faith. Her performance this season has revived hopes of another Final Four run. Yet another star shines brightly in the LadyBears frontcourt!
Grade: U (for Unstoppable)
Rachel Allison Assessment: Rachel, why don't you return our calls anymore. We miss hanging out, ragging on people from Dallas, hammering Jello Shots and playing spin the bottle with you and the team. What happened? You need to be much more aggressive on the court and mix it up with those fat-ass Paris twins or we'll be going home early from the tourney again this year.
Grade: H (for Hottie Sophmore with lots of room for growth)
Danielle Wilson Assessment: The LadyBears first McDonald's All-American (Tweety's counterpart) with a single specialty of shot-blocking, Wilson will develop into a monster by season's end. We predict most public buildings in Texas will be named after her upon her graduation from the B.
Grade: P (for Potential Governor of Texas)
Mulk Assessment: We love Kim Mulkey. Now that she's on the market, our former forbidden desires can now see the light of day. She is the belle of Waco, she has brought us good fortune, and she must be cherished and never whisked away by a larger school. However, she must confront Darth Coale, aka "Trailer Mulk," if she wants to save the Republic (Baylor) from the Empire (SoonerNation).
Grade: C (for Captivating)