The Lady Bears put a scare into me tonight. This is the first time I've seen Pat cry since the conclusion of the football season. After leading for the entire game Baylor fell behind midway through the second half. It looked like the B was in trouble, but then Jhasmin Player took over the game. She was big-time tonight. I've never heard of someone getting three straight three point plays. Allison and Mosby also got it done down the stretch. I'm sure Mulk will work on the interior defense. I don't think we can win against the best teams if they continue to run lay-up drills on us. I knew I wouldn't regret getting the #15 tattooed on my face.
A great Texan passed away today. I believe that whether you agreed with Molly Ivins or not, you had to appreciate the vigor with which she challenged our elected leaders and the humor she displayed while doing it. Molly thanks for your good work, you'll be missed.
Jerry Jones has descended into the Valley Ranch compound and refuses to negotiate further, despite the gathering crowd pleading with him to discuss his precarious situation. He has not expressly shown his arsenal, but our intelligence reports suggests that he is armed with an outdated, but still potentially lethal weapon, a certain Norv Turner. Yes, the same Norv Turner who devastated indigenous people across the Eastern seaboard for seven long seasons. Details remain sketchy, but it is clear we are dealing with a megalomaniac who is incapable of relinquishing any power.
Before cutting off communication, in a moment of rare lucidity, Jones discussed his future with top negotiator, Mike Singletary, “The Minister of Defense”. The Minster, insisted it would be all right, if he would just listen to reason. It seemed for a moment Jones understood and began to nod in agreement. However, abruptly and without provocation, he yelled, “That’s my potato, you can’t have it.” The Nation remains captivated by this stalemate. At this point we must put our faith in the Minister’s ability to deal with a madman. Many fear bloodshed is inevitable. We remain hopeful that this will not end in tragedy.
Last season, the Gentlemen Bears thrashed Mizzou on our home court (of course) 90-64. Following the game, Mizzou's head coach Quin Snyder (Christopher Walken doppleganger and Duke JD/MBA overachiever) resigned from his position. A blowout loss to Baylor was the perfect symbol of a season gone awry - it merited a mid-season coaching change. As a result, Scott Drew & His International 3-Point Carnival were awarded the severed head of Quin Snyder, which is currently displayed in a trophy case in the Will Ferrell Center next to the Second Place Trophy from the 1948 NCAA Tourney (damn you, Adolph Rupp!). The head arrived via pony express. The rider dismounted and hurled the head into the lap of the Judge Baylor statue on campus, where one of our interns retrieved and sold it to BU Athletics for a reasonable sum.
The Head of Quin Snyder, vanquished foe of Scott Drew.
After tonight's yawn-fest against a Colorado team which played like a Middle School JV squad, President Lilley has dispatched a team of Baylor lawyers to demand the head of Ricardo Patton, CU Hoops Coach, and latest victim of a Bears blowout. To endure such a humiliation and to continue would be unthinkable. We hope that Colorado University's administration, with its fine record of dealing with athletic scandals, will have the wisdom to remove Ricardo's head from his body and have it entrusted to our legal eagles for safekeeping as they journey back to Waco.
Patton's Head, To Be Featured in DiaDelOso Festivities.
How many more heads will Drew collect before he is done? Who knows. Lets hope coaching legend Bobby Knight's cranium will rest on our mantle one day as well. As for tonight's game, it was an even attack and we shot unbelievably from beyond the arc. We seem to have our best shooting games against our worst opponents, even though we get the same looks from 3 Point Land against KU, UT, OU, OSU, etc. Tweety, Dugat, Rogers, Bruce & Jerrells all contributed well out there. There were plenty of points and missed dunks to go around for all! I see Tweety as the future of this team, but Bruce is by far our most talented. Bruce, aka Baby Nash, is a pleasure to watch and he was clicking on all cylinders tonight. Some of his passes were unreal.
Note to Jerrells: you don't need to handle the ball for 22 seconds of every possession before you attempt an athletic and ill-advised shot. Distribute the ball some, and for God's sake, please don't strut the ball up court at 2 mph. Act like you want to win - hustle!
Sic 'Em.
[Update: Thanks to an anonymous tip in our comments sections, we seemed to have overlooked the first head that Scott Drew lopped off of a fellow Big12 Coach: That of Melvin Watkins, A&M's hapless head coach, who later went on to assist in Quin Snyder's Downfall. Shame on BearMeat for forgetting the greatest head in our collection!]
Melvin Watkins, Whose Head Still Rests On A Spire on Garage Mahal
A Season On the Brink: Six Games To Prove We Don't Suck
I thought this season would turn out differently. Why, you ask? I thought we would finally see the fruits of our consecutive top twenty recruiting classes. But no. If you look at our schedule we have exactly two legit wins, Tech and Col. St. That's it. Everything else is fluff to fill out our schedule and get some practice. We have lost games down the stretch on several occasions. I don't like the pattern I've seen developing. It reminds me of the football team.
We have the Buffs at home tonight. This is a must win game. We are tied with them in the cellar of the Big 12 at 1-6. Admittedly, our conference schedule has been difficult so far, but we are entering a soft patch. Over, the next six games, other than a young Texas team at home, we play the five worst records, excluding us, in the Big 12. Four of the six games are at home. Nothing less than 3-3 is abject failure. And this season, absent a miraculous conference tournament run, will have to be labeled a failure. Oh yeah, and keep starting Tweety.
As the Good Judge has alerted us to, the Cowboys are interviewing Mike Singletary today for the position of head coach of the franchise. This was met with great jubilation in the BearMeat Editorial offices of the ALICO Building, and the pouring out of celebratory libations ensued. However, unlike the Bush Library, we don't want to get our hopes up and proclaim victory prematurely. Instead, we offer ten reasons why Jerry Jones, esteemed owner of the Dallas Cowboys, should hire Mike Singletary, Baylor legend and assistant coach of the San Francisco 49ers.
"To Light The Ways of Time"
1. Singletary is from Texas. Born in H-Town, raised in the Lone Star State, nothing says Local Boy Done Good and the Cowboys are loyal to Texas (unlike those Vince-spurning Houston Texans) like making The Minister of Defense the next head Coach of the 'Boys. Diehard Cowboys fans were some pissed when you signed Terrell Owens, who "dissed the star." Passing up Singletary may just demonstrate your contempt for the home state of America's Team.
2. Hall of Famer. Inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame in 1995 for his stellar career with Baylor and inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1998 for his magnificent career with the Chicago Bears. You can't argue with his playing field bonafides. Plus, with such honor comes the graciousness and humility of a champion. Expect no tirades or off-the-cuff remarks from this Gentleman. He's already in the Hall, so you know he only wants to win.
Singletary: A Father To All, But Not in the Shawn Kemp fashion.
3. Coaching Experience. As the linebackers coach of the Ravens who worked with Ray Lewis, you know that Singletary can bring out the best in a team. As the assistant head coach with the 49ers, this guy has got the experience and know-how to wear the Big Headset. I know you may, Jerry, have reservations about "the color issue," but let me assure you that our man Mike is much more in the mold of a Tony Dungy than a Dennis Green. He led Baylor to a SWC championship and he can lead the Cowboys to the SuperBowl.
Don't Disrespect the Coach.
4. Celebrated Author. Time for a head coach to bring some intellectual firepower to the table. Singletary is your man. Having written many books, Singletary may just be the first Cowboy head coach nominated for a Pulitzer, chronicling his birth in segregated Houston all the way to coaching the SuperBowl Champion Dallas Cowboys. How bout it, Jerry?
Move over, Billy Shakespeare.
5. Man of God. Ordained Minister. If that doesn't play with the Cowboy faithful, than I don't know what will. Who better to rally the spiritually devoid 'Boys back to the Christian Era of Tom Landry (himself a True Believer) than a Man of God, intent on bringing righteousness to the Gridiron? Give Rev. Mike a chance, for God's sake.
It took hours of searching to find this image. We hope you enjoy it.
6. Knows How to "Play the Game." Singletary knows how to deal with the self-obsessed, crusty, white male establishment, embodied in Jerry Jones. Hell, he excelled at Baylor, which prides itself on preserving the racial purity of its white women above all. Knowing when to "shuck and jive" and when to stay silent is one of the great keys to succeeding in a white power structure. Singletary will never be as flamboyant as Jimmy Johnson or as loud-mouthed as Parcells. He knows how to win approval to the point where Jones will most likely exclaim to his wife over dinner, "Deb, not only is he hard-working, but he's so articulate."
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.
7. Will break Tony Romo of his crippling addiction to white women with mediocre voice talent , like Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood. This will help steady his hand when crucial game-winning field goals are at stake, instead of snapping his fingers to Carrie's "Jesus Take the Wheel" (a BearMeat favorite, but still - focus on the game). Mike's combination of teacher, preacher, coach and warrior will help mentor Romo to the point where he will use the anointing oils when they are needed: the Playoffs. Likewise, Singletary is much more effective than the Tuna at reigning in the ego of a young QB; his methods include stripping him naked in the locker room while his lineman make jokes about his virility. Works every time.
Tony Romo Theme Song
8. Have nickname, will travel. How much will the Dallas media love toying with the two nicknames "The Minister of Defense" and "Samurai Mike"? I know we will. Whether you like the idea of a defensive-minded bureaucrat or deadly Japanese feudal knight, Singletary has two broadly conceived nicknames to endear him to all sorts of target demographics. Whether the 'Boys are trying to lure Japanese-Americans or staunch pro-military types, Mike can accommodate both.
No more embarrassing losses with the Samurai at the helm.
9. 2007: The Year of the NFL Black Coach. Do not buck the zeitgeist, Jones, ride it out. This is the year our Lord decreed that the black man will finally get a fair shake in the NFL. This is not just a matter of wins and losses but of fundamental civil rights. Just as Lovie and Tony are finally getting theirs in the SuperBowl, so too should Samurai Mike be given a chance to lead the Cowboys back to the promised land. I'm pretty sure that's what MLK, Jr. was talking about.
Singletary: The Dream Fulfilled
10. Dallas Owes Waco. Karma. Having taken our Presidential Library from us, Dallas owes Waco this one favor: make a Baylor Alumni the head coach of the Dallas Cowboys and we will consider the SMU matter water under the bridge. Dallas knew that Waco needed that library more than they did, but its greed was too much for it. However, one single employment offer will clear up all that bad blood faster than you can say "historic low approval ratings."
Bush on Waco: "Good Enough For a Ranch, Piss Poor for a Library"
It appears the Cowboys will be interviewing the great former BU/Chicago Bear Mike Singletary for their head coaching position. This is music to my ears. Not only would this be a great day in Baylor history, it would be a great day for the Cowboys. The current top candidate is Norv Turner. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all he did for the 'Boys back in the '90s, but I think it is time to look towards the future. Even before Singletary entered the picture I was concerned Jones was making a mistake picking Turner. Now that Singletary is getting an interviewed, I simply will not be satisfied with anyone else. I have always appreciated Singletary, but after listening to a radio interview with Coach Grant Teaff earlier today, I became convinced he is the right person for the job. Now if only the owner will make the right choice.
BearMeat's World Headquarters Presidential Library or What To Do With the Rumpus Room
Well now that my youngest has reached the age of maturity, otherwise known as the post-toddler off-to-the-boarding-school years, I no longer have a need for a rumpus room at work. Although I will miss the delightful squeals of my herd running about throwing billiard balls at each other through the paper-thin walls, I think I can put the room to better use. I propose in lieu of the W library moving to the Highlands of Dallas and in order to combat Red's depression, we dedicate our rumpus room to the rump-shakiest of them all, Billy C. Yes, I am aware he already has a library in Arkansas. That's why ours will be miniature and focus exclusively on all those championship jerseys he received from Texas teams in the nineties (Cowboys '92,* '93, '95, Rockets '94 and '95, etc.). He actually has more connections to Waco than W and before W built his McLennan County mansion they had probably spent the same amount of time in town. Most importantly, he is actually Baptist and you've gotta love his post-presidency 'stache.
* Super Bowl for the '92 season was played ten days after inauguration.
According to rivals.com's rankings our class is currently ranked 55th in the nation. That doesn't seem too bad. That puts us ahead of several BCS schools like Purdue, Washington St., and Louisville. However, we are 11 out of 12 in the Big 12. Only Iowa State manages to come in behind us at 65. That's not so good. I was surprised to see Colorado with a top twenty-five class. I hope we have some diamonds in the rough because if not we will continue to struggle to get 3-5 wins.
Fifth-year intern, Gunder Thorson, crunching the recruiting numbers.
Fresh off the YouTube presses is Stephen Colbert's blistering critique of SMU's reluctant acceptance of the Bush Library. Since the University of Dallas has dropped their bid, that leaves one last contender, the home of Faith and Learning: Baylor University. Colbert's de facto endorsement of Baylor's bid came as a bit of a surprise to us today, especially since we just woke up. Last night's MLK Day Party was sadly Mulk-less, but she assured us that she would attend our Juneteenth Jamboree in East Waco. Back to Colbert, we need to get this guy to speak at our commencement. Perhaps alumna Priscilla Owen could lean on him?
1. Freshman Gender Disparity. "Mrs." Degree in decline.This WacoTrib article discusses the increasing gender imbalance of Baylor incoming freshman, citing that in Fall 2006 the incoming class was 62% Female! That is nearly 2/3 of the class, which means that in a perfect world, almost 1/3 of Baylor women have no chance at attaining the coveted Mrs. degree. While this does mean that the BearMeat Editorial Board will have our "pick of the litter" when it comes time for selecting interns from the pool of applicants (we have wisely required a full-body, swimsuit photo for all applications), it also means that the B is one step closer to turning into Mary Hardin-Baylor, historically a women's college - now with similar gender numbers.
Better pray those cowpokes aren't of the Brokeback variety, girls
2. Mamadou Wants to Play Point Guard, Bruce Wants to Play Post. In two revealing profiles on the BU Athletics site, Mamadou expressed his desire to run the point for the Gentlemen Bears and revealed his likes and dislikes, in a similar profile Aaron Bruce reveals his wish to play center. Since Mamadou has proven ineffective down-low and Bruce accounts for most of our points in the paint, we endorse this plan wholeheartedly. It's not like it will jeopardize any win streak of ours, and will most likely cut down on turnovers. We've always seen Mamadou more as a Senegalese Magic Johnson and Aaron Bruce more of a Charles Barkley type. The profiles are rather amusing and serve as windows into the soul of both of our immigrant Bears.
I smell a role-reversal movie in the works!
3. A New Guest Contributor. In BearMeat's attempt to obey the injunction mandating our Title IX compliance, we want to welcome the first non-permanent member of the BearMeat Editorial Board, Mrs. Kokernot. Mrs. Kokernot, the namesake of the popular dorm, will bring a much-needed Victorian perspective to a semi-regular column, Lady Business, which will comment on etiquette, feminine virtue, and the Lady Bears. We hope that this will attract more female readers and will keep Judge Ralph Strother from shutting us down.
We want to thank the person who assembled this YouTube highlight montage of Aaron "The Emu" Bruce. What makes this video worthwhile apart from the excellent musical selection (I come from a land down under) is the extremely rare footage of Mamadou "The Mayor" Diene actually dunking the ball in a game. We had to take this footage to our film editing department to certify its authenticity. The BearMeat Film Editor refused to do so, saying the dunk was most likely a CGI.
So, we hope you enjoy this treat. Sic 'Em, Aussies!
P.S. If you are a BearMeat reader and stumble across some YouTube footage related to Baylor or Waco that you couldn't otherwise find by searching those words and think it would be of interest to other readers, please let us know. Thanks.
[Oso Amigo Update: We welcome Sunday Morning Quarterback, aka SMQ, aboard on the Oso Amigo roster. These guys cover college football like CJ Wilson covering a receiver during the non-conference games - they're all over it.]
The Iowa State blog CrossCyed was kind enough to interview the BearMeat Editorial Board as part of their "Better Know a Big12 School" Series. We thought our answers were rather profound if we do so say so ourselves.
BearMeat Rumor Mill: Kevin Durant was born of a virgin on Christmas Day. We got this from a reputable source - a "senior White House official" if you will.
Well, the first-half fairytale was bound to end at some point. Apparently the Shorthorns have a player named Durant who happens to be the best to ever don the orange and white. Had the Bears known this fact, we might have had time to prepare a strategy to guard him ("Hack-a-Durant"?). As it stood, he dropped over 30 on us and then took a dump on Mamadou Diene, which thankfully is a sign of respect in Senegal. The backcourt played well tonight, but alas, we must bow to our I-35 masters.
From Durant's Postgame Interview: "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand."
The Big12 road losing streak continues (since February 2004!) and our current skid also marches on. It sucks to enter a game thinking that you can win, only to discover that you were merely another stop on the Kevin Durant NBA Lottery Barnstorming Tour. While the international 3-point carnival that we lovingly call the Bears played well, they were no match for a team that actually has a frontcourt, as opposed to our 3.5 guard offense we're so fond of running.
Postgame Comments from Coach Drew: "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
Also, was anyone else aware that the Gentlemen Bears are the worst 3-point shooting team in the Big12? Now it makes sense that our offense relies on that shot, because we are part of a global gambling conspiracy.
BearMeat Readers: Despair Not! Join the BearMeat Editorial Board in guzzling ritual libations after a Baylor defeat. We recommend all wine under $5 a bottle and all beer sold in 24oz cans.
Well, perhaps the 3-ball addicted, worst 3-ball shooting team in the Big12 (the B) will be pulling this one out, no? No. If the Bears can maintain this lead, then the BearMeat Editorial Board will buy a round of drinks for our readers at Scruffy Murphy's tonight. However, the Bears might just have a chance at toppling the most hyped frosh phenom this side of Greg Oden.
Our Commander-in-Chief Supports the Horns
Bruce has been showing the leadership that we have demanded of him and, surprise, the Bears are rebounding, scoring in the paint, and scoring in transition. And you thought we just liked to play the "slow-down and wait for the open 25-footer" game? Well, not always. Our suggestion for the second half: have Rogers take the ball inside more, have Bruce continue his driving to the hoop, and don't let Jerrells go crazy. Also, if Mamadou can't come back, Lomers is already in foul trouble, so we'll have to dig deep in the bench to find the appropriate white center (from Finland?) to play some "hack-a-Durant" defense.
So far, so good. Not only did the Lady Bears vanquish Okie Jr., Okie Sr.'s 24 game Big 12 win streak came to an end. Up next, a national television game on ESPN 2 against Texas and the future of the NBA. I hope they have learned something against the Okies and J-Hays. If not, we are going to lose badly.
As the first Baylor Sports Blog, BearMeat has found that we occupy a large void on the internet. This is due to the fact that Baylor's presence in the world of sports blogs is terribly lacking. The largest gathering of Baylor supporters on the net is Baylorfans.com, which is predominantly a discussion board where fans share their hopes and air their grievances. However, the discussion board is the first stage in a school's internet presence, the next stage must be the sports blog, which plays an amateur journalistic role, but one that is highly interactive with its readership and can establish a regional, or even national following. In terms of Baylor athletics there is a dearth of such sites.
The BearMeat Editorial Board Hard at Work
We have noticed that the Lariat's sports coverage has bemoaned the fact that Baylor fans are so quick to turn on the teams and coaches and exhibit little patience with tough losses. For this the Lariat is to be applauded. We think that the presence of serious, committed Baylor bloggers will help to revive the hopes of our fans, the pride in our programs, the confidence in our coaches, and the image of Baylor athletics. As students and alumni, it is our duty to support our school. For the tens of thousands of Baylor sports fans out there, one way to do that is to begin a blog dedicated to one or more sports. Judging by the discussion boards, we know that there are many intelligent, witty, and knowledgable Baylor fans out there who would enhance the conversation of BU Athletics. While BearMeat skews ironic and satirical, we want nothing more than to see an army of Baylor blogs defending our school from those who would malign our reputation.
The BearMeat Board of Trustees
We of the BearMeat Editorial Board write this letter as a call to Baylor sports fans to establish a much stronger presence on the internet. Most other Big12 Schools have serious sports blogs which attract national attention and do their schools a great service by promoting athletic programs. In this department Baylor is behind the curve.
So we offer this Call to Arms: Let's get to blogging!
Sic 'Em,
The BearMeat Editorial Board www.bearmeat.blogspot.com
We would like to extend a hearty BearMeat welcome to three new Big12 blogs who have agreed to enter into the BearMeat Alliance as "Oso Amigos." [Spanish for Bear Friends, more or less] We really don't spread enough love to all our fellow bloggers out there, so we thought that we'd recognize a few of our new Big12 homies.
The 12th Manchild. This Agriculturalist offers a fresh perspective on A&M sports, free from the jingoism, machismo, and parochialism of much of the Aggie Internet experiment. We enjoy his blog format and his sense of humor. Check him out, if only for his coverage of The Great "Saw 'Em Off" War between TU and A&M.
A&M Pranks of Yore included branding the TU mascot with the score of the football game.
CrossCyed. This Iowa State blogger can relate to BearMeat's obsession with respect and status, sharing our unease with cellar dwelling and perpetual Pollyanaism. Look for his upcoming interview with the BearMeat Editorial Board that is sure to garner a Pulitzer nomination for excellence in journalism.
Nothing quite as authentic as Iowa State salsa - made by real Midwesterners!
The other day I was wondering if punters get drafted. It looks like not only do they get drafted but Daniel "Thunder Thighs" Sepulveda looks to get picked up fairly early on. This bodes well for the future of the Republic.
Thought we'd provide a few bits of Baylor Blogosphere information for those of you out there who are interested. It's been a slow news day here at the ALICO, so why not give a few others some shoutouts.
Prof. Osler over at Osler's Razor (witty, eh? That's what a Yale degree will get ya!) explores the little known Vision 1930 of President Samuel Palmer Brooks. It took 77 years, but all the imperatives of that historic plan have now successfully been implemented.
The Baylor Lariat. This is not the Editorial Board that we remember from the Hi-Lariat Days of our undergrad. Today there is an editorial which basically says "Good Riddance to the Bush Library." Damn. Since Sloan's departure, you'd think someone would be able to reign these guys in. Nothing like NYTimes-esque editorials deep in the Heart of Texas. [Also, great opinion piece article on what we call the Baylorfans.com Syndrome - turning on the coach after every loss. Look for a BearMeat "Open Letter to Baylor Sports Fans" which we will send to the Lariat and post on our blog highlighting the need for more constructive internet engagement with Baylor Sports, including the dearth of blogs, negativity of Baylorfans.com, etc.]
12th Manchild (an Aggie blog - we know) has given us the official T-shirt of Baylor Athletics. Since we think A&M is our rival (and they think UT is theirs, and UT thinks OU is theirs, and OU thinks the Cherokee Nation is theirs), we thought it appropriate.
For the second part of the BearMeat Basketball Report Card we focus on the Gentlemen Bears, a truly cosmopolitan, international bunch.
PART TWO: RED AND YELLOW, BLACK AND WHITE Scott Drew has assembled perhaps the most international sports squad (save tennis, of course, what with its oversexed Czechs and Aussies) in the B's illustrious history. Always considered a regional school, Drew's emphasis on internationalism and the global recruiting has brought some unique faces to Baylor. While his recruiting strategy's repudiation of unilateralism may have cost us a presidential library, we here at BearMeat enjoy the fact that we represent four continents of hoop potential. Just as the old Sunday School song goes: "they are precious in his sight" Drew is wise to the fact that most D1 head coaches ignore Finland, Australia, and Senegal when shopping for Frosh Phenoms.
"I gotz love for all my shorties."
However, after the OU and KU blowouts, we are now beginning to understand why. The cultural-linguistic barriers are the reason the Nash-Nowitski-Najera Mavs couldn't reach the Finals, similarly this Babel-esque confusion is behind the Spurs lackluster year - too many players from too many countries can turn any team in to a bewildering post-modern cacophony of mediocrity. We truly hope that our Gentlemen Bears do not become the exemplars of why such a squad is doomed to failure.
Senegal is a scarred land, which knows much pain, suffering and tragedy. However, the former French colony is resilient and has given Baylor two of our brightest on-campus personalities: Mamadou "The Mayor" Diene and Penny "The CEO" Thiam. The Mayor's injuries have limited his shot-blocking power, but haven't hampered his intimidating physical presence or on-court demeanor. We here at BearMeat would like to see The Mayor work on some low-post moves and become more of a rebounding force down-low.
In case you didn't already know.
Shot blocking does not a competent post player make. Since we haven't got to see The CEO play this year, we assume he needs to continue to develop as a player. We suggest that both men hit the weight room and bulk up. The Bears are in desperate need of strength down low. Grade: U (for Unrealized Post-Colonial Potential)
Europe: Our Nordic Army of One
We here at BearMeat are nothing if we aren't Scandanaviaphiles, so it was with great rejoicing that we received the news of "Finnegan's Wake's" (Jari Vanttaja) signing with the B. However, having seen this player in action, we are a bit disappointed in his performance. The A&M game where he airballed a 3-pointer, committed an unnecessary frustration foul after said miss, and then turned the ball over all in 2 minutes time was enough for us to begin the deportation paperwork.
Finnegan's Wake's Native Headwear Displayed Here By Bear Meat Editor-at-Large Scamp After E-Bay Purchase
Our love of the frozen northern European countries is tempered with our deep concern for securing our borders. He needs to be threatened with deportation in order to be a force on the hardwood. Sorry, Jari, but this is for your own good. Grade: V (for Viking Ancestors)
Australia: Put Another Emu on the Barbie!
We feel that our resident Aussie, Aaron Bruce, is emblematic of our team's strengths and weaknesses: he is from another country and brings international competition experience to the team. He is an excellent outside shooter and at times shows All-Big12 potential. Sadly, his consistency is non-existent and he seems to choke when we need him most. His stellar freshman campaign drew him national honors, but since sharing the backcourt with Tweety, Sub-Zero and Dugat, it's been a bit disappointing. The fact that he is a guard also shows that the team is guard-heavy. While we love "The Emu" we feel that he needs to take it inside the arc more often, look for his own shot more often, and demonstrate some leadership on the floor. Grade: B (for Bruce: Australian for 3-Point Schizophrenia)
Childhood Photo of Aaron Bruce, Age 3.
Texas: All Hail the Mighty State Since the majority of our team hails from the Lone Star State, we will treat it as "A Whole Other Country," just as the tourist ads (and separatist groups) would have you believe. So we will go one by one through our Texas Boyz:
Sub-Zero (Jerrells): Brings athleticism and marksman shooting to every game. He might even have NBA-talent, but his control and maturity issues are paramount. Could be the leader of this squad and the standout, but his decision-making needs work. We love Sub-Zero and think this Son of ATX deserves high marks, but much work is needed.
Dugat:Henry "Aphrodisiac" Dugat is the spark of the bench. Basically the 4th guard in a 3-guard offense, Dugat could be a starter and big-time player anywhere else, but shares the backcourt with three high-caliber guards.
Flag Displayed Over Lomer's Bed in Martin Hall
Lomers: The SlumLord has been one of the biggest disappointments this year; while bulky, he has no strength down low. Worse, however, is his lack of confidence to even make simple layups. We need to put this guy through boot camp. By his senior year, he might just become the second coming of Ostertag.
Rogers: Mr. Rogers, aka K-Roge, has demonstrated that his game is at the next level. He is by far our most dominant frontcourt player and is basically our only inside scorer. His moves around the basket are phenomenal and his quickness and athleticism make him a joy to watch. Keep up the good work, Mr. Rogers.
Fields: Needs to develop an inside game to assist Mr. Rogers, but sadly, is more of a true 2 Guard. He can be deadly from beyond the arc, but Lord knows we don't need another 3-baller.
Grade: D (Deep in the Heart of Texas)
Coaching We're not sure how to feel about Scott Drew. He is an amazing recruiter, but the chemistry of this team is poor - notoriously guard-heavy and overrelies on the 3-ball. While his teams show flashes of brilliance, they always buckle in close games. We hope he develops more of a killer instinct this season. The win over Bobby Knight and Tech was great, but the 40 point loss to OU and Jayhawk blowout were inexcusable. Grade: Y (for Youth and Inexperience)
Overall Grade: R (rather disappointing after a decent pre-season).
Tech beat the Agrics last night with the help of several 3-pointers. After the game, Knight repeated what I am sure he has said a million times before but was new to me:
That doesn't make me feel any better about 3-point shots. I don't like it, didn't like it, not going to like it. It was good tonight, though.
Knight really knows how to keep up with the times. It is eerily similar to his good friend Bill Parcell's statements earlier this season regarding his skepticism of the forward pass and how he wasn't going to run a flash in the pan offensive scheme. Knight continued his riff of things that have destroyed basketball by decrying the replacement of the peach basket with new-fangled rims, high top basketball shoes, the jump shot and integration. After finishing his lengthy basketball list he proceeded to list other things from the modern world that terrify him like e-mail, horseless carriages, and self-control. He ended the news conference in typical Knightian fashion by urinating on the press corps and telling them he would rather be in Lubbock than still at Indiana. He refused to answer any more questions once he inserted is thumb in his mouth and walked out. That sir, is a leader of men.
I thought I'd pass along some news on the Mouth of the Bosque. It appears C.J. impressed a lot of folks during the practices for the East-West Shrine game. I guess we have at least one player NFL bound. His blurb is towards the bottom. I assume Sepulveda will make it also, he's on the Senior Bowl roster, but I'm not sure if teams draft punters? I'm sure he'll sign on somewhere. I wonder if we will gain a reputation as a great place for punters to develop. Kind of like linebackers at PSU or QBs at the U, only unfortunately for us, punters represent futility.
A Grief Observed and The Problem of Pain: Thoughts On The Original Baylor Sports Blog by C.S. Lewis
Other than the team lead by Mulk, hallowed be her name, I've said many times Baylor sports are about hope, not actualization, always about the promise of tomorrow, never today. Much like Charlie Brown I come into every season believing that this is the year, and every year the harsh reality in the form of a she-devil named Lucy pulls the ball out from under me resulting in immediate physical discomfort and the more lasting sting of emotional pain for being duped by the same old trick. I had my Lucy moment this season against mediocre South Carolina. The B played well, had a lead late, and then the next thing I know I'm flat on my back, cursing myself for being a sucker.
I didn't give up on the B that day. I can't quit you and you know it; besides, despite the recent setbacks the women's team is headed for greatness. But for the men's team, I'd watch the games and cheer them on, but I would cease to believe. So I did what I've done a million times before and what anyone else would have done in my position . I started huffing gas and reading the works of the literary discussion group The Inklings. I happened upon a lesser known member of the group, C.S. Lewis, better known as Clive Staples Lewis.
Apparently, Clive, early in his Oxford career, initiated a "Oxford in Baylor" program. Clive, like all intelligent people, instantly fell in love with the the B and the thriving metropolis of Waco. However, Clive realized not all was well. Students, faculty, staff, and locals were often happy, but on occasion, usually when discussing the B's athletic endeavors, a grim expression would descend upon their faces. They implored this medieval scholar and avid cricket fan to please explain to them why Baylor sports fans must suffer. Clive took it upon himself to study this problem and held a series of symposiums on the subject. Over the course of several summers and numerous B v. Agrics football games, Clive gathered his thoughts into several books. As an aside, Clive often would say the Agrics reminded him of Cambridge, the only difference being the beautiful campus, intellectual environment, sense of humor, and running water. Clive attempts to make all long-suffering B fans feel better in The Problem of Pain:
Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself.
So in other words, to live life as a Baylor fan is to suffer. There is no other way. Clive also speaks about my Lucy moment directly in A Grief Observed:
Oh, God, God, why did you take such trouble to force this creature out of its shell, if it's now doomed to crawl back — to be sucked back — into it?
Exactly, why Baylor, why do you do to this to me every time? Why do you toy with me? But gradually, after reading over his body of work on Baylor I felt comforted. I realized I'm not alone, that my condition is no different than dozens of my fellow B sport's fans. I realized that suffering is not the point of being a B fan, but merely a side effect of my free will choosing to root for them. For some reason, my understanding of choosing pain made it more acceptable. I'm done with the Inklings for now and as soon as I finish off this last gallon of unleaded I'll stop huffing, but I'm back believing that one day I'll kick the football or at least land a nasty stiff arm to Lucy's skull.
It is time for the BearMeat Basketball Report Card. For the reader's convenience, we will split the report into the Gentlemen and Lady Bears and then do specific evaluations of individuals whom we feel are noteworthy.
Bjorn Svenson, pictured here, is president of the East Waco Youth Chapter of the Sons of Norway and is sketched receiving exemplary marks on his Report Card He is an avid Lady Bears fan - which justifies the image
PART ONE: THE LEGION OF MULK
Team Assessment: The season started off very well and we have been particularly impressed with the incoming recruiting class (1st in the nation - which is what a national championship brings: are you listening Drew and GuyMo?) - especially Wilson, who is our very own Dikembe Mutombo with as many shots as she blocks, and Mosby, who plays the part of a skinnier, more intense Sophia Young. However, losing two straight conference games, especially to A&M (salt in the wound after the OU loss), dashed our confidence that this year's squad is stronger than last year's team. Our inside game is much improved over last year, and our 3 point shooting is up as well, but we cannot afford to let OU continue their Fat Twin Domination of the Lady Bears. Mulk, who has been distracted by highly-educated suitors, has displayed her signature intensity, but her wardrobe has not quite been up to par. We need to be mentioned in the same breath as the Top 5 teams and must beat OU in order to prove we can contend for the title this year. Grade: D (for Deflated Hopes)
Mosby Assessment: This ex-Gatoress jumped ship right before their athletic program was in full nose-dive, so their loss is our gain. Our team is now Mosby's team - she is our leader and her strength is our faith. Her performance this season has revived hopes of another Final Four run. Yet another star shines brightly in the LadyBears frontcourt! Grade: U (for Unstoppable)
Gator No More: Baylor Claims a Victory over Florida
Rachel Allison Assessment: Rachel, why don't you return our calls anymore. We miss hanging out, ragging on people from Dallas, hammering Jello Shots and playing spin the bottle with you and the team. What happened? You need to be much more aggressive on the court and mix it up with those fat-ass Paris twins or we'll be going home early from the tourney again this year. Grade: H (for Hottie Sophmore with lots of room for growth)
Danielle Wilson Assessment: The LadyBears first McDonald's All-American (Tweety's counterpart) with a single specialty of shot-blocking, Wilson will develop into a monster by season's end. We predict most public buildings in Texas will be named after her upon her graduation from the B. Grade: P (for Potential Governor of Texas)
Mulk Assessment: We love Kim Mulkey. Now that she's on the market, our former forbidden desires can now see the light of day. She is the belle of Waco, she has brought us good fortune, and she must be cherished and never whisked away by a larger school. However, she must confront Darth Coale, aka "Trailer Mulk," if she wants to save the Republic (Baylor) from the Empire (SoonerNation). Grade: C (for Captivating)
We are two ghosts from the past summoned by the Bear faithful to dwell among the living in Waco, Texas. Our charge: to defend the B until the many curses on our school have been lifted or until the Agriculturalists are defeated. We have devised BearMeat, a Baylor sports blog, to further the interests of The B and the Fightin' Baylor Bears. The two members of the BearMeat Editorial Board are:
The BearMeat Editorial Offices are located on the 13th Floor of the ALICO Building in downtown Waco, Texas. Our luxurious office accommodations are underwritten by a generous grant from the Bernard and Audre Rapoport Foundation.
Roxy Meat
"Roxy Meat," The Official BearMeat Music Video by chum, the KSUFans video artist.
How Long Has It Been Since The B's . . .
Last Bowl Appearance? 1994: Coach Chuck Reedy, Alamo Bowl
Burnt Orange Nation: "The zany BearMeat blog is always full of good stuff. Tasked with covering a team that's not exactly dominating the major Big 12 sports any time soon, these fellas do it with class, style, and most importantly, lots of humor."
MGoBlog: "BearMeat is a deeply hilarious Baylor blog"
Mark Osler (Law Prof): "[I]f what I am really interested in is a bizarre melange of sports news, internship horror stories, and psychotic ramblings, nothing beats Baylor's #1 Sports blog: Beer Mat!"
Meat Classics
The Best of BearMeat: Grade A quality meat, USDA approved, with the distinctive flavor, aroma, and juices that can be found only in BearMeat.
This photo, found in a Texas Tech yearbook by Disco Tech!, is the first known image of the popular usage of the term "BearMeat" in the Baylor sports context. It is a student sign made for the Tech vs. Baylor game in Lubbock in 1975. Tech did in fact eat BearMeat, as they won 33-10.
DISCLAIMER
BearMeat is a satirical blog written for the purposes of humor and entertainment. The views and opinions expressed herein do not represent those of Baylor University and/or its employees and/or its students and/or alumni, or any individual or institution mentioned herein. Links to external sites do not necessarily constitute an endorsement of the views contained on those sites. This blog is not a for-profit enterprise. It is written and maintained by three amateur satirists seeking to lampoon subjects in the public square.
