Saturday, September 30, 2006

CareBear, Part 5: K-State Online Streaming BearCast Part 4



Baylor University defeated Kansas State University tonight for the first time in school history. KSU is the A&M of Kansas. The party district of Manhattan, KS, is known as "Aggieville." They are not worthy of our respect. They are justly defeated by the noble Bears. 17-3.

We at BearMeat applaud the Bears for a scrappy, sloppy, but ultimately successful conference opener. We shall break open our last 24-pack of Bosque Porter, that we have been saving for this occasion. Kill the fattened calf. Bring me the finest meats and cheeses. Tonight, we feast. Call up Uncle Dan, Big Daddy, and Mama Ninfa, we will need them all for the party we have planned at Miss Nellie's Pretty Place.




We haven't been blown out yet this year. We have won two games by two scores and lost two games by one score. Our defense has held all of our opponents, save Army, to under 20 points. While the non-conference schedule was an expectation-crushing disaster, hopefully we can set a new Big12 conference win record this year.

Sic 'em.

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Not Without Feathers

Woody Allen has a short story collection entitled, "Without Feathers", which is a reference to a line from an Emily Dickinson poem referring to hope as a thing with feathers. Although we were all low after the big loss to Army last week and may have said things we did or didn't mean, we must always remember that the B's football team must always be about hope, constant, unrelenting hope. We have no other choice. Reality is often harsh and unforgiving, but we can always look forward to the future. Ocassionaly, it is nice to be rewarded with some actaul results on the field. Today was one of those days. More frustrating days are in our future, but today has given us the stength to carry on for another season.


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CareBear, Part 4: K-State Online Streaming BearCast Part 3

Seven (7) minutes left, in this our historic first ever BearMeat Online Streaming BearCast, but our Bears refuse to put KSU away, insisting on fumbling and dropping passes. Why must all our hope be constantly tempered with mediocre reality?

Will the B be able to hold on? Yes! Crawford just made his second INT tonight, keeping BU in the tops in the nation in takeaways. Can we convert this sloppy game into a win? Who knows. Bell answers that question by delivering an INT of his own. If only GWB would make up his mind and give us our library. That's all this team needs to live up to its potential. Stop flirting with K-State, Mr. President. Who gave you the SLC to meet with Putin? Who let you chill out at the Armstrong-Browning Library to meet with Vicente Fox? Who let you host your "Economic Summit" on their leafy grounds? Baylor, that's who. Time to pay us our due.



Don't listen to Laura; SMU and Univ of Dallas both suck. They are not on the Brazos. We are. They are not in the Big12. We are. They don't share a county with your ranch. We do. Also, we have a 50% chance of beating the 'Cats. Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

Sic 'Em.

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CareBear, Part 3: K-State Online Streaming BearCast Part 2



As we write the second installment of the K-State Radio Streaming Blog, we cannot contain our enthusiasm that we actually have scored two passing TDs this game! Can you believe CareBear is actually working? Not to jinx our conference opener, but things are looking good. The offense is performing well, but the big unsung story of the game, and the season so far, has been the BearPit Defense. Damn, they're good. They're about to grub on some CatCuisine.



. . . wait, interception! Hah! Our third take-away this game (thanks, John Morris) . . . wait, Zeigler to Bell??? First and Goal! Wow! Funny how many QBs we have that play receiver . . . hand-off to Whitiker . . . looks like we're throwing a bone to the running backs again . . . 2nd & Goal . . . Bell to Parks for a pick up of 5 . . . almost there, Bears, don't choke, come on, don't choke . . . 3rd and Goal . . tipped up, no catch . . . 4th & Goal . . . FG unit. Up and Good! 17-3 Bears!


Let's beat those immodest heathens. This is a clash of civilizations. Would a Betty Baylor ever adorn her mammaries with the Sailor Bear? Perish the thought.


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CareBear, Part 2: K-State Online Streaming BearCast Part 1

Well, it seems that our Bears are leading again in the first half on a Heisman-esque strike from Bell to Shelton. Yet, our troubles continue with penalties, lack of rushing game, and special-olympics-quality special teams. While we at the BearMeat editorial board are biting our nails for this conference opener against a terrible K-State team, perhaps a few trips down memory lane, compliments of Youtube, are in order.

Let's hope we see much more of this after routine conference games. A nostalgic, Clinton-era tear drops my eye.




How about a nice Aryan Sic 'Em routine? Why not?



And who can resist another George Shelton clip? This one has a grainy quality as if Shelton were a mythical creature like BigFoot.




[Live Internet Streaming Update: A 69-yard punt by DannyBoy?!?! Wow. I can hear the Ray Guy announcement already. Also, K-State is definitely leading in penalties. We could learn something from that type of carelessness.]

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Monday, September 25, 2006

CareBear, Part 1: A Who's Who of Baylor's Offense

(n.b. Each description of the actual Kenner Care Bears is from wikipedia. My notes follow.)


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Guy Morriss is Tenderheart Bear – The leader of the Care Bears, Tenderheart is a loving and lovable brown (later orange) bear who knows a lot about helping others share their feelings, Tenderheart helps spread love and make it grow by helping people show they care. He wears the perfect symbol for his job on his tummy--a big red heart. Pat Sez: Be it money, drugs or women, I don't really give two shits what GuyMo does to get the players motivated. If your offensive line needs more ass in the britches, then get them the goods. Get a real conditioning coach. Grab the heart off your tummy and shove it up your's and the special teams coach’s ass.


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Lee Hays is Love-A-Lot Bear - With two intertwined hearts as her tummy symbol, Love-a-Lot Bear spreads the message of her namesake and makes it grow wherever she goes. Though a true believer in the power of love, she is not afraid to help it along. She can be seen dancing with her crush, Tenderheart Bear, at the beginning of the first movie. Pat Sez: Take it outside Hays. Way outside...at least more than 5 yards past the line of scrimmage. Your schemes couldn't even confuse the Teletubbies!


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Shawn Bell is Wish Bear - Wish Bear's job is to help, simply enough, everyone's wishes come true, and even when they don't, making wishes is still a lot of fun. Her symbol--a shooting star with a rainbow tail--reminds us to believe in our dreams. Pat Sez: China Springs? China F'ing Springs? I thought he was from China Grove! No wonder he doesn't own a samurai sword. No wonder he sucks.


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The Offensive Line is Good Luck Bear - Often helps spread his namesake to those he encounters. What can say better about his mission than (of course) a four-leaf clover on his tummy? Pat Sez: I think Good Luck Bear is also known as Crack Cocaine Bear. These guys twitch and tweak like they are never going to get another fix. C'mon Tenderheart Bear! Give 'em the rock!


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Whitaker and Mosley are Bedtime Bear - The sleepiest Bear of them all, Bedtime Bear makes sure that people get a good night's sleep all over the world. His tummy symbol, a sleepy crescent-shaped moon, says everything best about his job. Pat Sez: Wake up, boys! You are last in the Division 1-A. I know the Good Luck Bears probably think you are hiding some crack in the pigskin and don't want you to run too far from them, but this is ridiculous. You average together, more or less, 12 yards less than Temple. Temple, for God's sake!!!


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The Receivers are Friend Bear - She is the ideal friend for everyone she meets. Two smiling intertwined flowers show up on her tummy symbol. Pat Sez: Hey friend. How's it going? Let me drop the ball so you don't have to waste any energy tackling me. If I hear footsteps, I get scared. Love-A-Lot Bear doesn't want me to stray to far from home. I heart you, friend!


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I am Grumpy Bear - Whose symbol is a grey rain cloud with falling hearts, tells us that it is okay to be grumpy sometimes, but that we should always remember to be caring, even when we are upset and that it is silly when we take our grumpiness too far. Grumpy is a fan favorite. Pat Sez: I threw up my own feces after reading that.

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

Thanks for the Memories: A Season to Remember

Wow, what a season we had. I can't believe it’s already over. It feels like just yesterday we were battling TCU in our season opener. Finally, after all these years, back in a bowl game. Awesome. Who would have known that our AirBear offense would manage to turn our once red zone allergic offense into a high-powered scoring machine? Unlike last season we were finally able to finish off those close games. The team is mentally tough now and seems to execute best when the pressure is on.


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Oh yeah, wait. None of that is true. Our season is over in September because we are not very good. There is no learning or developing occurring on this team. The only thing most of these players know how to do is lose in a variety of ways and nothing will change that for 2006. It is over, finished, kaput. Sure we have some talented individuals (C.J. can't wait until you're a Cowboy) but as an entity this football team is bad. Not bad like Northwestern State bad, but bad in a can't-beat-most-Division-I-teams bad way. We are looking at the very real possibility that this team will be no better than 3-9. That's being optimistic. As we enter our 8 game conference schedules, keep in mind that last year was the first season the B won 2 Big 12 conference games in a season. This team could easily end up with one or two victories.

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And please spare me the "Look how competitive the games are and if we just tweak it we will win" line. It’s time to look towards the future. We are supposed to have a great recruiting class coming in, although I will admit my confidence in the type of players we recruit is shaken right now. But we need to prepare for next year now. That means, as promised, I will start in earnest my "Bench Bell" campaign. Also, we need to dramatically reduce all the seniors' playing time. I realize the team will play worse than they do now, but really, is the one potential additional win this season worth not letting our underclassmen develop during real games? C.J., despite his brilliant play, should also be played selectively in order to guard against injury. He needs to keep those legs fresh for Monday Night and not waste them on running down a UT receiver on another blown coverage. However, Guy-Mo I'm still with you. I still believe you can turn it around.



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Is this post negative and pessimistic? I tried to be. Is it realistic? I think so. Who are we going to beat? Honestly? UT and OK(last season aside) are going to beat us senseless. Tech and A&M should also beat us. That leaves a terrible Colorado (Georgia aside) team and OK State away, and a mediocre KU and KState at home. How can we win more than two, or in a miracle scenario, three games? The wins just aren't out there. But that's ok, there is always next season. The key to next year is we have to go into TCU and get a victory to set up the entire season. That sounds really familiar like I was just...


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We Support Our Troops: Baylor Takes One for America


While the Battle for Baghdad rages on, the Fightin' Bears thought it would be best to show their support of our troops by giving them inspiration to keep their resolve. Last week, the Agriculturalists gave the Black Knights false hope that they could beat the boys from College Station. This week, WacoU let the Armed Forces know that while the Tigres and Euphrates remain hostile ground, the Brazos is as good as home field advantage. Indeed, the Fertile Crescent, Cradle of Civilization that it is, has turned in to a post-apocalyptic nightmare. It is only fitting that the future officer corps can build their confidence and strength in this time of geopolitical despair by pounding a few meek Baptists on their home turf. "Welcome to Floyd Casey! What's that you say? No, I wasn't using my dignity, please take it back to West Point with you."



While BearMeat's patriotism is off the charts and we would never think to question a war that linked a secular, totalitarian Arab regime with an Islamist terrorist network, we will take liberty to question the pre-season intelligence on our offensive system. While the search for WMDs in Iraq moves valiantly onward, the search for second-half passing TDs has grinded to a depressing halt. Imposing a timetable on our troops in the Middle East might go against the better wisdom of the commanders on the ground, however imposing a timetable on Lee "Desperado" Hays and the whole AirBear project is of the utmost necessity. From this day forth, let our 1-TD/game "high-powered, run and shoot, Warren Moon-style offense" be forever known as CareBear. We will dispense of the AirBear moniker until we can manage two+ passing TDs a game versus Division 1-A opponents. Our defense cannot continue to win games for our high-scoring, yet red-zone allergic offense. Lord knows our special teams won't help. They couldn't even stop Waco High's punt return unit. I, Red Andrews, former president of Baylor University, call on all fans of the B to hereby refer to our impotent offensive system as CareBear until two passing touchdowns shall prove us wrong. Good day.


Sic 'Em.

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Montage: The Black Knights of the Hudson vs. The Black Bears of the Brazos

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Free BearMeat t-shirt to the first person who explains each relationship correctly!

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Remembering the Positive: Forgetting Football Briefly

Sometimes when a fan of the B's football team thinks too much about the season it can cause the same effects as some migraine medications: nausea, depression, and bleeding from various orifices. I needed a break from the B's most frustrating sport and decided it was time to think about women's basketball. I happened upon this article, already a few weeks old, but nevertheless refreshing during these bleak days before the Army game. I didn't realize that Chameka was on the Monarchs, playing for a championship, although I don't believe she plays much yet. Remembering Chameka reminds me of Mulkey and the team's magical tournament run two years ago. And of course, then I think of Sophia in her 1st professional season, who made the WNBA All-Rookie Team and is already an All-Star. It's enough to make you misty-eyed. But I won't dwell in the past for too long. There is no need to. Mulkey has already forgotten about her past success and the Seniors she lost. She is consumed with winning tomorrow. And you know she will.

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

BlackKnightMeat: Smart Agriculturalists

I'm sure you can't wait to get my insights on the upcoming game against Army. I may have some before Saturday. But what I'd rather talk about is the fact that Army has two football teams. No, not JV and Varsity. They have the team the B plays on Saturday and they also have a sprint football team. No, it isn't like the Arena League. The CSFL (Collegiate Sprint Football League) consist of five teams: Army, Navy, Princeton, Cornell, and UPenn. It seems that everything is exactly the same as the version we are all familiar with, except for there being a weight limit of 172.0(they include the zero). That is in their rule book. Not only that, but they must have a minimum body fat content of 5.0% by weight and a urine specific gravity of 1.020 or less. I guess this is to combat the ever present football anorexia.

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It's like we are back in the '40s when Army dominated college football and an offensive lineman weighed as much as the Heisman trophy. These once proud programs decided that modern football had passed them by, so it was time to invent a new version of football. The B should take this example to heart and alter the game for our benefit. Perhaps, a game where your punter must kick a pass to the WRs and also play middle linebacker, and your CB must out trashtalk the other team. We could join Vandy, Northwestern, Stanford, and Duke and form a superleague. The only thing keeping us from this dream is gumption.

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Offensive Offense: What's Not Wrong?

First, can we please get the game on tv? Is that too much to ask for? When the B messes up I want to be able to see and hear the critical error. I want to scream at the tv, before it is picked off. Can we at least stream them online? I'll drop the $5.

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Back to the field. The B has the worst running game in the nation, 19 ypg. We also have 22 points in our two games not against Division I-AA schools. That's a total, twenty-two. Arline's fumble return for a TD means that our offense has scored only 15 points in those two games. At 7.5/game we have the equivalent of a very powerful baseball offense. It also means we are going to lose a lot of games. Yes, the B has been losing a lot of games for years, but this season seemed different. Our team is better, I think. Our defense is solid. C.J. Wilson looks like a 1st round draft pick. But our new system is either not working, still developing or we don't have the parts to make it work. I'm sure most of the guys on offense are nice enough, but they have a tendency on an individual and collective level to make mistakes when they are presented with the best chances to score. The B should have beaten TCU, but the offense continued to make critical mistakes in scoring territory. Flash forward to WSU and we are moving the ball with a chance to really put the Cougars in a hole and Bell throws a interception. Ok, another lost opportunity. But we still are dominating defensively and then the critical fumble to let them score their 1st TD.


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Its almost as if the B's football team is afraid of success. They seem to sabotage themselves at every turn. Just when you think they are going to win a game, they blow it. It is hard to assign blame since they won't show the game locally. I realize passes were dropped and maybe our play calling is not great. But I think that our Senior, experienced QB is not quite up to the challenge. He seems to make the right decisions and complete lots of passes until it matters. I for one am hoping that we have someone coming down the pipe that can take this offense to the next level. I think Guy-Mo is a good coach and is changing the program, but I'm not sure that the key players can take him where he wants to go. I hope I'm wrong about Air Bear under Bell, but until he proves otherwise I see little reason to be optimistic about this season. Is it possible to go forward and backward at the same time? If we lose to Army I plan on starting a campaign to bench Bell in preparation for the future, Blake Szymanski. I know it may be a bit premature, but if we are 1-3 going into conference play, our season for all practical purposes is over, so we might as well work on next year now. I'm real glad Colorado is on our schedule this year.

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Saturday, September 16, 2006

Le Mort d'Heisman: The Descent of Shawn Bell



Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. His wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2:8-10 (NIV)



Let it be known that Red Andrews is officially abandoning his Shawn Bell for Heisman campaign. Due to the poor TD:INT ratio in the two big games so far, I feel that AirBear is turning Shawn in to a different passer altogether. Where is the Shawn Bell of yesteryear? While Shawn played nobly, especially in the first half, the real national award candidacies are Sepulveda's bid for a second Ray Guy Award and C.J. Wilson's effort in receiving the Jim Thorpe Award. I suppose my eyes are opened to the gritty realities of an offensive system tailor made for a certain type of team, but not ours. We need to incorporate a solid run game (I realize Mosley is hurt) with a steady passing attack. Our habit of turning the ball over in the red zone continued tonight, much to the chagrin of the Bear Faithful. We are starting to see where our true strengths lie. In our BearPit defense.


Man, our D is good. Arline and Wilson (each with one INT) are like Beelzebub and Mephistopheles out there. Their playmaking has created more points for the B this season than AirBear has. We need to to take stock of our strengths and weaknesses. We've lost two close games when leading at halftime. We have the talent and potential to finish with a winning season, but the play calls and execution have been short of BearMeat's expectations. Too many turnovers. Too many penalties. Too many dropped passes. This is a serious mental issue. We need to be a lot tougher from a cerebral standpoint. Look to BearMeat for your strength, Bears; we do not waver in adversity. Either should you.

In conclusion:

Bell for Heisman? Not so much. [I still love Shawn Bell. Don't get me wrong. Just not puttin' up the Heisman stats like I hoped for.]

AirBear = HotAir? We'll see for sure come our conference opener against KSU.

Sepulveda for Ray Guy? A must.

C.J. for Jim Thorpe? Most def.

WSU = Aggies? Yes, but unlike their southern cousins, the Cougars believe in science, progress, and the rule of law.

[Oh yeah, in case you haven't heard, the B lost by 2 to WSU, 17-15, on a field goal with 9 seconds left. Hence, the self-doubt-ridden lamentation post.]

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

CougarMeat: The Aggies of the Pacific Northwest?

This Saturday, the B takes the field against the mighty Cougars of Washington State. Though this untelevised bout, billed the "Battle for Seattle" above a Scruffy Murphy's urinal, has not generated the requisite media attention to get the Bell for Heisman campaign rolling, it has brought to our attention the similarities between Wazzu and the Agriculturalists. Both schools were founded to further the objectives of agrarian living. Both schools include a high number of "first to go to college in my family" types, which is commendable. However, the "fresh off the farm" similarities end there. While the BearMeat editorial board has been trying to muster up the school spirit to match the untiring enthusiasm of Baylor Sports Unlimited, it has been hard trying to cast WSU in the mold of the animal husbandry-lovin' Ags. And, quite frankly, it is just not working for us.

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Instead, I propose a wishlist for the game.

1. Zeigler. He must deliver. A pre-season All-American, Zeigler must regain his title as the most exciting receiver in our offense.
2. CJ. I want nothing short of 3 INT. And I think I speak for all of Waco when I say, "It's time to turn up the smack talking. Let opponents know that you are a big deal. It's time to act the part of your talent."
3. Bell. This is the game that will make or break his Heisman bid. To arms!
4. Lee Hays. Time to prove to McLennan County that AirBear is not just WiFi on campus, but a viable offensive system meant to be emulated for decades hence.
5. GuyMo. Not only do we want him in all black for the game, but preferably with a long black trenchcoat and Crocodile Dundee hat. Anything else would be a major disappointment.
6. Grant Teaff. He looked pretty healthy to us at the season opener. Methinks a spot on the coaching staff as a "senior adviser" is in order.
7. Sepulveda. His leg is a cannon, in whom we trust. We need at least three 60+ yarders.
8. Mosley & Whitiker. We need to give them the ball. I think they may have forgotten the rules of the game. Run some plays for those guys before they die of neglect.
9. Shelton & Son. They both must be on their "A" game, or all is lost. Trent needs at least 50yds receiving and a TD. George needs to cheer himself hoarse by the end of the game.
10. Baylor Line. We need the Line to resort to the worst type of English soccer hooliganism. Time to cultivate the bad-boy rep among non-conference opponents.

This is my only prayer. That and BU by 6 (2OT).

Sic 'em.

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In Memoriam: Our Governor


BearMeat wishes to extend our sympathies to the family and friends of Baylor alumna, Waco native, and former Texas Governor Ann Richards, who passed away yesterday from cancer. Governor Richards's progressive policies, folksy manner, and endearing charm, will forever be in our memories. She brought honor and the spirit of public service to our school.

Ann Richards (1933 - 2006).

Requiescat in Pace.

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Monday, September 11, 2006

Shawn Bell Heisman Watch: Washington State

BearMeat Subscribers:

I would personally like this post to commence a more interactive era of BearMeat. Feel free to comment on, disparage, curse, or praise the notion that Shawn Bell may emerge as a dark horse Heisman candidate. Feel free to expound on your views in our "Comments" section. Why does BearMeat keep insisting that Bell is in the running for this prestigious award, which no B player has ever been seriously considered for?

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To answer that question, we direct you to Shawn Bell's career numbers at the B, the potential of the AirBear (or the BearRaid/AirRaid/WarrenMoon) offensive system to vault Bell into the statistical stratosphere, and the general enthusiasm for a Texas QB to fill the cleats of a recently-departed UT field general who taught us all how to dream. Those factors alone should be enough to have Bell mentioned with other potential Heisman candidates like Adrian Peterson, Brady Quinn, and Colt McCoy.

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So, are we prophetic or misguided when we propose that Shawn Bell is the greatest QB in the history of the B and may just nab the most coveted award in collegiate athletics? Decide for yourself. We're busy making flight plans and hotel reservations for the Heisman ceremony in NYC.

Prediction against Washington State: 23 - 34, 340 yds, 3 TD, 0 INT. Bell will make the Cougars look like pussycats with his field vision, accuracy, and Christian leadership qualities. Also, BU by 6 in 2OT.

[Thanks to Baylorfans.com member 91Bear for this awesome poem:

Do they still play the blues down in Waco
When football season rolls around
When the sun fades away,
Do the Cubbies still play
In their turf-covered burial ground
When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
But now they only bring malaise
To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the NCAAs]

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Fùtbol!?! The Intro, the Movie, the Lecture

With HelmetBall dominating most of the editorial staff's discussion these days, we decided to have a good old fashioned wet towel whippin' and crackin' chicken contest to see who gets the BearMeat soccer beat. With the determined efforts of a Portuguese flop, I crashed to the floor with Red Andrew's first crack of the towel secretly hoping to secure the chance to report on the Bears' success in a Title IX sport. So let me introduce to you the first installation of...Carne de Fùtbol! GOLLLLLLLLLLL!!! Parlesimmo! Viva Osos de la Señoooooor-ra!!!!!

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A brief history of the program would probably be the ideal beginning for my first Carne de Fùtbol post; however, in true BearMeat fashion I will begin my offering with a blazing critique against Baylor.


(Scene: Waco City Council Meeting. Tuesday Night. Mayor Mike Morrison proclaims that the week of February 8-13, 1999 will be celebrated as Baylor Women's Soccer week. A rapturous roar abounds City Hall's corridors in honor of Baylor's first Big 12 Championship. Suddenly, a paperboy bursts through the doors piercing the jubilation with his boyish cry.)

PAPER BOY
Extra, Extra - First Head Coach to Lead Baylor to Big 12 Championship Quits!

Cut to Molly Cameron, Baylor's Thierry Henry.

MOLLY:
What? Nooooo! How could you do that to us, Randy?

Cut to Randy Waldrum, Baylor's Guus Hiddink (trust me...a really good fùtbol manager)

COACH WALDRUM
The scrilla, the scrilla! It's all about the scrilla, baby! Notre Dame is giving me six figures. Tom Stanton told me that no women’s coach, especially a soccer coach, will have that salary under his tenure.

MOLLY
But we're the champs. Baylor's first champs since joining the coffer-filled Big 12! Shouldn't we keep such a monumental and historic figure early in Baylor's Big 12 athletics history at all costs? To the mayor's office, team!


(Scene: Mayor's Office of Waco. Molly, an unidentified offensive midfielder and Coach Waldrum enter furiously into the Mayor's Office. Trailing seconds behind is Baylor Athletic Director, Tom Stanton. Secretaries and aides scurry about as chaos ensues.)


MAYOR MIKE
Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Who's Stanton?

TOM STANTON
I am Stanton, Mr. Mayor! I am prepared to prove to you that these women and their coach have deceived the City of Waco and Baylor University. They play a sport that does not deserve more money and recognition. And being a Title IX sport, Baylor has already sacrificed too many men's scholarships and gate proceeds from such sports as Men's swimming and wrestling. I will not give more money and incentives to a sport that’s not even real football.

COACH WALDRUM
I would have brought more Big 12 Championships and an NCAA Championship to Baylor if dickless here wasn't Athletic Director.

TOM STANTON
But he wants six figures!

MAYOR MIKE
Is this true, Molly?

MOLLY
Yes it's true...This man has no dick.

THE END

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Coach Waldrum had a 46-14-3 record in his three seasons at Baylor. Since his departure in February of 1999, Baylor Women's Soccer has fallen back into the stratosphere of helmetball and men’s basketball and has compiled a 58-62-12 record. The 2005 season saw the Lady Bears fall to a dismal 4-12-2 record. Meanwhile, Coach Waldrum has guided Notre Dame to a 165-34-8 record in his last eight seasons and a national title in 2004.

What bothers me the most is that when Baylor accepted the invitation to join the Big 12, students and alumni were led to believe that all sports would be given the opportunity to compete at the highest level. We all know that sports outside of the top three, football, basketball and baseball, don't make nearly as much money. But, when you have a great coach, let alone a nationally recognized coach, then you, Mr. Stanton, have to go out of your way to make sure that the great leaders and teachers will stay and will want to come to Baylor University. I know Stanton is not there anymore, but I believe this will be true for Baylor Athletics in the future. If a Baylor coach can earn more money to teach and motivate student athletes at another institution, then Baylor must seriously look at improving the contract and meeting demands in order to keep great leaders and gain the respect in the world of collegiate athletics.

Unfortunately, the Bears Soccer team has started out 1-4-1 this season with some big road losses at the always tough Portland Nike Invitational. It saddens me to read Coach Waldrum's bio on Notre Dame's website after thinking about what could have been, but BearMeat will stay upbeat and will most definitely root for the Bears throughout the 2006 soccer season. And with that, I will end with the BearMeat staff's closing statement: "It's not our fault...It's Tom's." Sic 'em.


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Tom "Shocker" Stanton

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Saturday, September 09, 2006

Demon Days: The Apotheosis of Shawn Bell

If anyone had misgivings about the AirBear offense, let him now be silenced. Five passing touchdowns and 300+ yards of air attack, and we have a new era at the B: the spread offense. The Demons fought nobly against the Fightin' Bears, but were no match for the sheer determination of our boys. In order to recap the night's highlights, I thought BearMeat should give out a few awards.

The Tele Savalas Players Club Card Award
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For his two first quarter interceptions, including one run back for a Savalas-esque TD strut, we present C.J. Wilson with this most prestigious award. They might as well rename the First Quarter at the Floyd, the CJ Quarter, because he owns it now.

The Deep-Down, I'm Really a Linebacker Award
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To Daniel "Danny Boy" Sepulveda, for his spectacular hit on the Demon who tried to run the blocked extra point back the length of the field for a 2pt conversion. The crowd ate it up. Though he is an All-American punter bound for the NFL, you could feel that he really wishes he was Singletary 2.0.

The Gold Rush Award
To those yellow-flag obsessed officials. I've never seen so much yellow in the Floyd before. Thanks to the 30+ penalties, the refs insured that, despite the lack of TV coverage, the game would last 4 hours.

The George Shelton Is Proud of Me Award
Goes to Trent Shelton, for his 1Q TD and 158 receiving yards. His father, George Shelton, is quite possibly the #1 Baylor fan of all time as evidenced in this classic from the BearMeat vault.

The Johnny Cash Award
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GuyMo's attire as of late has conjured up images of the Man in Black. GuyMo doesn't mess around. Up front, we need a man in black. That man is Guy Asskickin' Morriss.

The Hello, My Name Is . . . Award
Goes to backup QB Szymanski, who threw for one last TD just to make a philosophical point that AirBear works no matter who is running it. And to prove to the world that we actually have another QB on scholarship.

[Shawn Bell Heisman Update: 25-41, 288 yds, 4 TD, 1 INT. Status: Strong and getting stronger. Once our media blitz begins, no commentator in the nation will be able to say Heisman without mentioning Shawn "Taco" Bell.]

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