Wednesday, September 07, 2011

AgricMeat: The North Korea of College Football

NOTE: The below post was originally published on 10/25/06.

The Agriculturalists culture, despite being located in the second most populous state, surrounded by cities, universities, and cable, developed (I use the term loosely) seemingly in isolation deprived of the basic expectations of our modern world. This anomaly really has no parallel in American universities and can only be analogized to another aberration of the Post-Enlightenment Age, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

If an average citizen were stopped on the street and asked what comes to mind when I make this statement, "Militaristic, quick to anger, inferiority complex, incomprehensible to most of Western culture, self-aggrandizing and constantly threatening to develop offensive capabilities", there is a good chance, particularly if that person were a college football fan, they would answer the Agrics.

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Is this one parade or two?

The similarities are boundless and I will attempt to summarize the most obvious ones.

DPRK- Not a day goes by that the state-sponsored media isn't attempting to get the attention of the world by announcing they are developing, testing, or firing missiles or nuclear weapons. They believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that they are a significant participant in the world community.
Agrics-Not a day goes by that Agric alumni, periodicals, and fans, aren't calling for the firing of their head coach. They do this to remind everyone that they expect to be a championship-caliber team, despite not winning it all since FDR's administration, and the current season is an exception to the rule. This is a 67 years and counting tradition.

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Agric's Hummel figurines.

DPRK-They claimed that they tested a nuclear weapon underground and although no one saw it, atmospheric tests seem to indicate a test happened.
Agrics-They are currently 7-1 against mostly mediocre teams that no one saw, but the omnipresent smell of College Station indicates someone did something.

DPRK-Their highest official is there because of his dad and is known for his hair.
Agrics-Their highest official is there because of the former governor and is known for his hair.

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One of these was played by a puppet, the other is a puppet.

DPRK-They are considered the backward, country bumpkins of the Korean Peninsula. South Korea has developed into a vibrant liberal democracy and economic power. Addtionally, South Korea recently hosted the Olympics and World Cup, while North Korea annually throws FamineFest.
Agrics-They are the slow-witted country cousins of the University of Texas. Texas dominates them academically and athletically, despite Agrics accusations of UT being liberal, effete, and French-speaking. Also, Austin plays host to such celebrated events as ACL and SXSW.

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Korean peasants and the Agric's Phi Beta Kappa Society meeting.

DPRK-Has historically eaten certain breeds of dogs.
Agrics-Has historically attempted to breed with dogs, chickens, etc.

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I spared you the collie vibrator.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is often seen in military garb despite never serving in the military.
Agrics-Many students join the Corps to play and dress like soldiers, despite its membership carrying no military obligation.

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By coincidence both of them were Napoleon Dynamite last year.

DPRK-Political dissidents face a constant threat of torture.
Agrics-Students expressing unpopular views are summarily executed.

DPRK-Believes might makes right and does not believe in the rule of law.
Agrics-Believes might makes right and does not have a law school.

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Incentives for potty training Korean children and Agric freshmen.


DPRK-Willing to go to war over the 38th parallel.
Agrics-Willing to go to war over someone walking on field.

DPRK-Kim Jong-il is said to have collection of over 20,000 movies.
Agrics-Library contains over 20,000 installments of Beetle Bailey.

DPRK-Much to their chagrin fellow communist state Vietnam has joining the World Trade Organization and is beginning to develop economically.
Agrics-Texas Tech has supplanted the Agrics as the large, public (wishing they had a religious affiliation), university with a good football program.

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Success for some is failure for others.

The only question that remains is where does the B fit in? The B has accepted the basic tenets of Western Civilization. They can tend to provincialism and can, in their periodic embraces of fundamentalism, be too eager to adopt extremes like snake handling, prohibition, and virginity. They have a rich history, recently fell on hard times, but have begun to revive their once great civiliztion. Perhaps Japan, who has recently awoken from the economic doldrums of the past decade, would be apt. If I could pick anywhere in the world today,for some reason Nicaragua comes to mind. What's your choice? Remember there are no wrong anwsers.

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Poolside at the SLC.

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55 Comments:

  • This is a masterpiece post. Truly genius. Well-played.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 7:34 AM  

  • I would say the B is like Denmark and Tech is like Kazakhstan.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 8:28 AM  

  • UT = China, big, regional superpower.

    Tech = Australia. The Texas of the South Pacific.

    The B = Russia. One day she will regain her former imperial glory.

    TCU = Lichtenstein. Inconsequential. Peripheral.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 9:17 AM  

  • I truly wish I could be there this weekend.
    I guess I'll have to settle for watching the Miracle on the Brazos (2004 Edition) on DVD for the 35th time.

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 9:44 AM  

  • I'd at least give TCU Andorra status.

    And Baylor is more inline with Denmark. Place I like to go to get trashed and chase women. Of course, in Denmark this pursuit is a bit more fruitful.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:53 AM  

  • Well you might reconsider your attempt at humor when it is the Aggies (among others) who are defending your country from the North Korean attacks in the near future in service to our country. Not so funny now.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:57 PM  

  • This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. The inferiority complex from baylor is amazing. Oh well, do what you can to take the spotlight off the fact the school and the town are afterthoughts in this state. No aggie or longhorn with any sense at all would waste their time with something like this on baylor.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:59 PM  

  • You Aggies tickle me pink.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 2:08 PM  

  • annoymous 12:17
    It's aggy that commits the friendly fire casualties when real soldiers are attempting to defend the country. The absurd myth that aggy has contributed militarily to any American triumph is right up there with nut squeezing. Fake army, fake football, fake education. There is a good reason for the existance of aggy jokes.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:14 PM  

  • We take our selves very seriously, as you have noticed. These comments deeply disturb us. Based on the tone of this website, you Aggies must have realized that we are terribly serious men. Your insults and criticism have deeply wounded us.

    Tonight's assignment: Look up satire, sarcasm, irony, and jest in the dictionary. The re-read our body of work. Report back on your findings.

    Also, A&M can be swept up and carried to the Gulf in a Brazos flood for all we care. Gig 'em? Nah, Sic 'em.

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 2:17 PM  

  • You last two anons need to back it off. As a Former Student, I think this is pretty funny stuff; it's college for Pete's sake, not war.

    Times change; back in my days in B/CS, we loved it when Peter Gardere was QBing the 'Horns because he'd always beat OU (always root for a Texas team over OU, folks) and always lose to A&M. The fact is that in Coach Fran's tenure, Baylor has become a rival for A&M.

    Say what you will about Coach Fran, but Baylor's doing something right up in Waco.

    As for that last anon, you seriously want to tell me that B/CS has a leg up on Waco? That's like trying to tell me one unflushed urinal smells worse than another.

    Gig 'Em! Looking forward to a good game this weekend!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:18 PM  

  • You had me right up until the discussion of Baylor. Still, fondly reminds me of my hellish gradschool experience in Aggieland.

    Nothing like strolling hungover and bleary eyed on to the campus and finding yourself surrounded by earnestly yelling, marching jackbooted automatons. With weapons.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:22 PM  

  • It's aggy that commits the friendly fire casualties when real soldiers are attempting to defend the country. The absurd myth that aggy has contributed militarily to any American triumph is right up there with nut squeezing.

    C'mon don't take it there

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:32 PM  

  • You are a bunch of idiots. At no time did this gibberish come close to being understandable. We are all more stupid for reading this. May God have mercy on your soul.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:44 PM  

  • It's amazing how much people are willing to run their mouths on the internet. Try that "It's aggy that commits the friendly fire casualties when real soldiers are attempting to defend the country" crap in real life, in front of real Ag servicemen, and you will promptly find the better part of your teeth scattered on the sidewalk. Friendly college ribbing is one thing, but there are some lines you don't cross.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:46 PM  

  • UT Alumni here: As much as I would like to and no matter how hard I try, I can not see the humor.. The attempt was grand. That I will not deny. But the results are not funny. And this is coming from some one that does enjoy dry and dirty humor. Especially directed at faggies. Everything you mentioned is a complete stretch. For example, the comment about the leader never serving would be a good parrallel with humor, however when you click on the link provided you can see that "Over 225 Aggies have become Generals and Admirals". I commend you on your effort, but this is too much fluff without enough stuff. Aggy wins this one. Try again.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:51 PM  

  • You went to UT. It's not hard to imagine you don't understand this.

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 2:58 PM  

  • If A&M is North Korea, then baylor is the bowel movement of some North Korean peasant suffering from dysentery.

    sic 'em, bloody diarrhea.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:58 PM  

  • Man what a brilliant post.

    Did you get a degree in Geography in between all those hummers you gave to guys in various campus restrooms while at baylor?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:06 PM  

  • Very good. baylor couldn't even be compared to an existing country because if it were a country that country would be conquered so much that it would cease to exist as a functioning and an independent nation.

    Also, the country would need some old, drunken hag to get it into the UN.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:08 PM  

  • UT Alumni again:
    Top 2007 Universities UT47 AM60 BU81

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:13 PM  

  • You're a douche. I have never degraded any university to this extent. You are a very ignorant and classless person. I don't know where baylor fans decided it would be "totally awesome" to attack the Aggies like this. This isn't simple ribbing, which I have no problem with, but these insults are downright evil. Especially the ones directed at the bonfire tragedy, I know you made no mention of it, but many of your fellow bears have. Laughing at people dying is about as low as one can go. Not even our rivals at texas would dare poke fun at it. If anyone thinks it is funny, I dare you to come to an Aggie Muster and see what being an Aggie is all about. Again, you are a worthless tool. I used to be very apathetic to baylor but after this week or so of trash talk, I have lost all respect for the university. I will never have any of my children or anyone I hold dear go to baylor for I fear they would be a lesser human being for doing so. Decency has left waco. Until some type of sanity comes back to the town, I will never regard your school as worthy of anything.
    Thanks and go Gig yourself,
    The Proudest Member of The Fightin' Texas Aggie Class of 2008

    By Anonymous Jacob C, at 3:41 PM  

  • The mere fact that so many have expressed as much acrid word-spew at this post attests to its greatness.

    If a fellow can not have a laugh at his own expense, then I pity him. Maybe if these protesters had leafed through the archive they could see that BearMeat gleefully pokes fun at everyone, Baylor included.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:53 PM  

  • I'm an aggie, I can laugh at aggie jokes, or at least appreciate them. This was pathetic. This from a guy who likes laughing at himself. Try again please.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:14 PM  

  • this inferiority complex rivals that of a&m's for ut.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:21 PM  

  • JacobC, you can't be a real aggie. You are someone trying to make aggie's look worse.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:29 PM  

  • jacobc, you can't be a real aggie. you have to be someone trying to make aggies look more pathetic.

    By Blogger aggysuks, at 4:30 PM  

  • Sorry for my absence. I've had a full day of Agric-proofing my land. First, I sent all my goats to visit relatives in Lufkin and then I covered all my valuables with books.
    I like the B as Denmark, but does their climate and dreary worldview really correspond with the sunny climate and carefree attitude of Wacoans?
    Perhaps the B is a little like Turkey, a misunderstood secular, democratic, constitutional republic attempting to gain admittance to the European Union while maintaining its religious roots.

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 4:32 PM  

  • You do realize that A&M is ranked higher than baylor in virtually every academic category, right?
    Get over yourselves and get some real traditions. No one cares about gaylor right now.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:39 PM  

  • Since Jacob C is part of the class of 2008, when does that mean he enrolled? 1984? 1978? Somewhere in the middle?

    By Anonymous Brandon Dean Price, at 5:08 PM  

  • Pure greatness!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:25 PM  

  • better luck next year!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:30 PM  

  • dear leader honors us with the numbers 31, 21 and 19, 1, and 1.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:33 PM  

  • I feel like i have wasted 4 minutes of my life reading this crap.

    Texas Alum.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:23 PM  

  • not only did A&M beat baylor in football last night (31-21), they out-rank baylor in every academic and athletic aspect. i know its tough to face the truth, but this is a new low for the bears. it makes you wonder where all that money y'all pay to go to baylor goes, because it sure aint going to the athletics, academics, or the campus.

    p.s. i thought that baylor was a Christian university. i guess thats a lie too.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:40 AM  

  • Great post. Had to post a link on my site.

    By Blogger MariusJanulisForThree, at 11:38 AM  

  • this is freaking retarded. baylor has really turned into the white trash butt-hole of texas colleges.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:01 AM  

  • Baylor has really lowered themselves to a second class u.I put N.Texas above Baylor.Come on down to College Station and we'll play ya'll again and we'll Beat The Hell Out Of Ya.Gig-Em Agg class '90.

    By Anonymous michael, at 12:37 AM  

  • Its not that I can't take a joke, It just wasen't funny. What is worse is that you use Texas as your weapon notyour own university.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:27 AM  

  • Should i put it in her brownie?

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 9:36 AM  

  • "The B = Russia. One day she will regain her former imperial glory."


    the problem with this statement is that "The B", or whatever you communists call yourselves, has to have a "former imperial glory" before you can "regain" it. Try again!

    Moreover, I have served in the military. Afghanistan, and Iraq. I have also been apart of a humanitarian mission to recover bodies on 9/11. So before you go on and tell me that aggies dont serve and are just PLAYING SOLDIER, I ask that you actually do some REAL homework and study how many former Corps members serve now, have served, and have died defending your right to post this filth. They among many other great soldiers, marine, shipmates and airman allow you to go to bed at night knowing that you have wait another year for your team to have shot at Aggie Football.

    Look I dont hate baylor, but you are quickly becoming more classes then the tortilla throwing tech fans!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:50 AM  

  • Your caustic wit is sublime!

    By Blogger Pat Neffistopheles, at 4:30 PM  

  • Yes, I heard the tsar was quite the fan of communism.

    MariusJanulisForThree,

    Thanks. Most of our office policies were inspired by "Stop Snitching".

    By Blogger Judge Baylor, at 11:23 PM  

  • w/o A&M the world would be abt 5 yrs behind in most technologies than it is
    and abt football tu has had the last few yrs but A&M did the same to tu in the 80s and 90s it is a cycle that is currently in the shifting phase with A&M almost pulling it off last yr
    go to tu if you want money go to A&M if you want to change the world

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:40 AM  

  • 31-21 says it all, A-holes!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:49 PM  

  • Big game with Tceh this weekend. How is Bell looking in practice??

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:11 PM  

  • What, in the world, is an Agric?

    This is quite the unoriginal post in the sense that Ags have been compared to pretty much every enemy power at the time based on the fact that we have a fairly large standing Corps of Cadets. Go do the same thing for West Point or Annapolis and we'll call it even.

    Just don't whine to any of us when someone sees the post and takes real offense.

    By Anonymous Lauren, at 7:02 AM  

  • my favorite quote:
    "If they can't take a joke, fuck them."

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:56 AM  

  • Honestly -- do they surgically remove your sense of humor when you enroll at A&M and replace it with a overdeveloped sense of indignation?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:38 PM  

  • Not only your sense of humor...but your sense of independent thought as well.

    This post is so true and so funny it hurts...especially when you're talking about A&M egos...why they have such egos is beyond the scope of human understanding. This is up there with some of the greatest things I have ever read.

    By Blogger Jordan_Ryan_Stewart, at 3:18 PM  

  • "This is quite the unoriginal post in the sense that Ags have been compared to pretty much every enemy power at the time based on the fact that we have a fairly large standing Corps of Cadets. Go do the same thing for West Point or Annapolis and we'll call it even."

    But doing so would mean that A&M is an equally legitimate military academy...which it is not. Unlike the Corps...graduates of real military schools are actually committing themselves to the armed forces.

    "Just don't whine to any of us when someone sees the post and takes real offense."

    What's wrong with fighting whining with whining?

    By Blogger Jordan_Ryan_Stewart, at 3:20 PM  

  • Thanks, Jordan Ryan Stewart - you are truly a connesiuer (sp?) of fine blogging. Thanks for stopping by,

    Red

    By Blogger Red Andrews, at 4:57 PM  

  • A&M's Corps of Cadets, which is lead by a three star general, provides more commissioned officers to the United States Armed Forces than any other school outside of the service academies. In fact, A&M was established as a senior military college and is still considered to be so under federal law. During World War II, A&M produced more officers than West Point and Annapolis combined. There were 22,229 Aggies who served including 14,123 who served as officers in WWII. A&M's Corps of Cadets has also produced more Medal of Honor Winners (7) and generals (well over 225 generals and admirals) than any other school in the nation. Aggies have served in the armed forces in every war and conflict since the Spanish American War including the present day Iraqi War. There have have been thousands of cadets from the Corps at A&M who have died including many who have died recently in Iraq. It is sad to see that their ultimate sacrifice is being slammed. As someone who is in the process of contracting with the US Army and on behalf of the thousands of cadets from A&M who have died serving America, I would appreciate it if you would delete this erroneous and false portrayal of Texas A&M and understand how it hurts the families of those who serve.

    If you are hesitant to remove this post, watch this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9n_kMSVRTU

    Oh, and if you are a bit more curious, ask George Bush why he built his Presidential Library at Texas A&M. Or ask the current Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, who was the recent president of A&M, about the crucial importance that A&M serves in this great country's military.

    "The men of Texas A&M can stand up to any men in the world and compare favorably their education and training for leadership -- leadership in the pursuits of peace, and if it comes to war, leadership in battle."

    --Gen. Omar Bradley, 1950

    "No more convincing testimony could be given to the manner in which the men of Texas A&M lived up to the ideals and principles inculcated in their days on the campus than the simple statement that the Congressional Medal of Honor has been awarded to six former students, that 46 took part in the heroic defense of Bataan and Corregidor, and that nearly 700 are on the list of our battle dead."

    --Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1946

    "Give me an army of West Point graduates and I'll win a battle...
    Give me a handful of Texas Aggies and I'll win the war."

    --Gen. George S. Patton

    By Anonymous Brent, at 4:29 PM  

  • Brent,

    We are grateful for their service to our nation. However, you must have mistaken our blog for a journal of opinion or a news source. We are neither. We are a satirical blog devoted to poking fun at Baylor's athletics rivals.

    Surely, you have come across works of this kind before. Lighten up, dude.

    Red Andrews

    By Blogger Senior Editor Red Andrews, at 4:34 PM  

  • I like how A&M according to one post will be defending us from the N. Koreans...yet our AFROTC just gained the #1 rank in the country. If our guys bomb em first....the aggs on the ground can't do much!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:08 PM  

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